Chachi is sick and tired of your bullshit resolutions. Specifically, he’s sick and tired of (and shockingly angry about) these 5 which seem to top everyone’s lists.
“I’m going to quit smoking”
Your New Year’s resolution should not be an effort that you attempt and fail once an hour every day of your life. For you, the outdoors exists solely to make an excellent companion to your oral chimney. There are more ashtrays than posters in your bedroom. If I snatched the cigarette out of your drunk mouth right now, you would instantly deck me square in the teeth with the force of god. Perhaps one day you will quit smoking. But please sir, spare us on New Year’s.
“I’m going to start running”
Before you made this outrageous statement, I was focused on the good time I was having with my friends over drinks. Suddenly, the image of your fat ass in tight, mesh, 6th grade gym shorts, complete with sweat running down the prickly untrimmed hairs of your back, tempts me to smash my drink on the bar and stab myself in the chest with a large shard of glass. Listen, Forrest Gump, I’m sure Jenny would love to hear all about your NYC marathon plans. Leave me out of it.
“I’m going to wake up from my coma”
Sure. I’ll order the pizza for later. We’ll watch old movies.
“I’m going to lose weight”
A fan favorite. Remember 5th grade, couldn’t fit on the swings? Or maybe 10th grade, when you went as the planet Jupiter for Halloween. Oh what about Junior year of college, undisputed campus hot dog eating champion? Your story will seem a little more credible when Billy Blank’s “In and Out of the Shower: Ultimate Thighs ” hits stores this Spring. It also doesn’t help that you’ve been promising this impossible dream since the fall of the Berlin Wall. Fatty.
“I’m going to be a vegetarian”
Good. I actually believe this one. However. When we hang out, there is to be no discussion of the family that my Wendy’s Double Stack left behind. Also, no mention of how much you miss a certain meat is permitted. If you are an animal and carnivore enthusiast, work it like divorce court. Chew on those greens Monday through Friday and let the blood spill weekends and holidays. No one says you have to throw all your chips in on the issue. And if they do, they’re too busy being chained to a tree to have any impact on your diet.
My personal resolution: To think of a totally sweet resolution in advance for ’10. Oh and maybe to kidnap less girl scouts…
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