While driving to Baltimore last week, I realized it’s way fucking closer than I thought. When I got home, I took a peek at the U.S. map above my toilet. I came to a few more realizations, including “If I could pee for hours, I could learn a shitload about the United States” and “I can’t believe how boring Wyoming looks”, but the most important one is one that follows the jump.
Buffalo, NY is one of my least favorite places on earth. This is mostly a matter of principle – I have only visited there once, and it was a pretty damn good time. But, when I think about it, it is such bullshit that I have to share my home state with it. I don’t have anything in common with someone from Buffalo – different accents, different sports teams – the list could go on for days.
This town of fat hockey fans is about 426 miles from where I live on Long Island. That’s about 7 and a half hours of driving. Which is 25 minutes less than it would take me to get to Montreal, which… ya know… is in ANOTHER COUNTRY.
Anyway, I’ve never been to Montreal so it must unfortunately be left off this list of places that are closer, but are in different states than Buffalo.
5. Philadelphia – This one’s a no brainer. Cheesesteaks and rock n’ roll. That’s what Philly’s all about. Plus, Frank lives there now so that’s just the ultimate bonus. Estimated drive time: 2:51
4. Baltimore – I’ll admit I was kinda scared walking around downtown after a Thursday night stripperfest, but I bet it’s way nicer in the day. Estimated drive time: 4:18
3. Boston – I’m a Mets fan, so I have no ill will toward beantown. I’m also a drunk, so this really seems like a decent place to spend some time. Estimated drive time: 4:13
2. State College, PA – I tried to avoid another pick from Pennsylvania, but Penn State rocks. Estimated drive time: 5:03
1. Fucking anywhere – Pretty much anywhere in Vermont, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, D.C., or New Jersey is closer and probably more fun than Buffalo.
PS – I hope the Bills move to Canada.