We just got Verizon Vios/Fios/Whatever the hell it is. And god DAMN there are a lot of channels. Of course, none of the extra channels actually provide anyone with any extra entertainment, unless you look at the channel listings. Here are a few choice selections from some of the new channels we get. We decided not to include any of the new, highly specialized porn channels because, frankly, we don’t want to sully our pristine reputation with garbage like that. So here you go, the 8 Most Boring Reality Shows Ever (on TV this week):
Shockingly, this did not make the list.
Talk The Talk: Inside The Making of Girl Talk’s Fifth Album
Episode 302: “I can’t believe he’s still working on this.”
HD Music – 609
Mondays 6:00 AM – 6:30 AM
In this episode watch Greg continues to painstakingly calculate beats per minute on Cindy Lauper’s “She Bop”, the vocal track to Eminemn’s yet unreleased “Crack A Bottle”, Herbie Hancock’s “Rokkit” and Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” for a 4 second clip that might be used on his next album. Also, Gillis talks on his cellphone, eats a bowl of macaroni and cheese, and takes a leisurely stroll through the streets of Pittsburgh. 30 mins. TV-PG
Textorcism: Text Book Editors
Episode 100: Pilot
Library Network – 1009
Thursdays 9:00 PM – 10:00 PM
Linda discovers a glaring error in “Organizational Communication 11th Edition”. Janine gets a paper cut on her right hand and her employer will not pay workman’s comp. Someone uses a semi-colon incorrectly and will not fess up. “Never before has a program truly shown the grittiness, the raw power and the genuine personality of today’s hardest working men and women in publishing – text book editors.” Gene Wikowsky, Text Editor, Baron Texts, Badger, Kansas. 60 minutes. TV-14
Life with the Maguires
Episode 208: Toby’s Home
VH1 Clebreality Net – 26?
Tuesdays 10:00 AM – Next Episode of “Hogan Knows Best” PM
In this special episode, Toby visits from the set of his next hit movie, which we’re not contractually able to print the name of. To his family’s surprise, he hasn’t watched the show, or even heard of it for that matter. When push comes to shove, Toby and his father have a completely unscripted and not tampered with heart to heart about Toby’s involvement with the family’s day-to-day affairs. ??? minutes. TV-14
Where Are You Goin? The Secret Lives of Bus Drivers’ Wives
Episode 446: “I told you… Kentucky, I’m going to Kentucky”
Channel 4 – 668
Thursdays Noon – 12:15pm
Darlene deals with constant forgetfulness and worrying, much to Pete’s dismay. Curtis embarks on a transcontinental trip with the New York Islanders, leaving his wife Lillian and their 13 children at home for at least seven days. Jiffy Bus Co. faces financial troubles which threaten to shut the entire operation down, affecting not only the drivers, but their bitchy, fat wives. 15 minutes. TV-MA
Episode 834: “I Don’t Wanna Wait in Line”
Showtime – 304
Fridays 9:00PM – 11:00PM
“Fat Fuck” chronicles the life and times of Mickey Mouse impersonator Don Glickspitt. This week, before collecting his things to work the 9-5 in Epcot Center dressed as Jamaican Mickey, Don contemplates whether or not he has time enough to jerk off. On the way to work he finds his favorite Bloodhound Gang CD has become scratched, immediately accusing his fiancee (Beth Harper a top executive at Universal Studies). Things get hot and heavy when Goofy starts monopolizing the high-traffic area around the “Test Track” attraction. The argument comes to a head when Supervisor Gina steps in to settle score. 120 minutes. NC-17.
Episode 211: “01/12/09 – 01/19/09”
All week long we provide you with a steady high-definition broadcast of Jim Carrey’s every move. This week Jim takes things easy: sleeping late, drawing soap figures in the mirror and cordially greeting his neighbors. When he’s out and about you can count on him visiting his agent, purchasing coffee and “doing it” with his girl, ex-MTV personality, Jenny McCarthy. And don’t forget to save the date for our season finale when Jim becomes aware of the camera and sails across San Francesco bay. 24/7. TV-MA
Episode 004: The Unscratchable Itch
Bravo – 046
Tune in as we follow a group of West Virginian anesthesiologists. This week newbie Chad Barrons has a severe itch while turning his valve and no one has a free hand to scratch it. Joni and Mitch continue to cope with their long distance relationship as they wait to be reassigned to the same hospital. Paul is caught spending a extra five minutes on break. “When the lights go out, the drama is brought in.” 60 minutes. TV-PG.
Episode 001: “Me time”
E! – 047
In the season premiere of “Spent” we join Hugh Hefner once again in the Playboy Mansion, this time sans hot girls. Holly, Bridget and Kendra have moved out and Hugh’s days of earth-shattering threesomes are over. Audiences will be delighted to see a much more friendly, reserved and all together decrepit Hugh. Families will laugh as Hugh tries to reach high-shelved cans of tuna fish and maneuver his way through his now pussy-free palace. His close friend Nigel Barnes stops by and the two relive the glory days for the remaining nineteen minutes. 30 minutes. TV-G.