A Conversation Between Charles Barkley and Jaleel White (Best Known as Urkel from “Family Matters”) Before Charles Barkley Left and Subsequently Got Pulled Over For Drunk Driving on His Way to Getting Blown by What One Can Only Imagine was Like a 6 or a 7
As everyone should know, Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI on New Year’s Eve while on his way to an “amorous encounter” (woah! that sounds hot and heavy!). What information what not made readily available (at least not to this member of the celeb-driven blogosphere) was the fact that Sir Charles was leaving a party where he was joined by Michael Strahan and Jaleel White. It should come as no surprise that Jaleel finds himself in the spotlight after years of dormancy, I had, in fact, made a passing reference to Steve Urkel in my last scientific report. With all due respect, Mr. Colbert, you haven’t the slightest clue as to what it means to give people a cultural “bump”. But I digress, what follows is a word for word account of the conversation Jaleel White had with Charles “Not Gnarls” Barkley.
Clearly, this guy knows a thing or two about being responsible while you party.
Charles Barkley: Yo ‘leel I’m out of here. I’ve got a sweet piece of ass waitin for my in the back of my Saturn.
Jaleel White: You cool to drive, Chuck?
Charles Barkley: Yeah, knucklehead, I’m cool.
Jaleel White: I don’t know about that. (Jaleel looks over to the woman Charles Barkley is referring to) Dude, I really don’t think you’ve got your head on straight. Come on, just blow into this overly complicated Breathalyzer I made in my basement.
Charles Barkley: That’s just ridiculous. I ain’t got time for any of that. This sweet piece needs to do some blowin’ of her own am I right?
Jaleel White: (Wincing) C’mon Charles, it can detect within one millionth of a made up unit of measure how much “Cool Juice” you’ve had tonight.
Charles Barkley: How you gonna come up here and start makin’ references to Family Matters. I’m surrrsly considering taking you out my Top 5.
Jaleel White: You know, Chuck, the more you mention that stupid Top 5, the more Frank Caliendo’s going to impersonate you on his mildly amusing show on TBS, you know, Frank TV.
Charles Barkley: I know, I know. It’s just rully important to me s’all.
Jaleel White: Listen, just come downstairs and we’ll test out my machine.
Jaleel turns around to lead Charles downstairs and bumps into a tray carrying 1,000 cocktail glasses arranged into an unbelievably impressive pyramid.
Jaleel White: (Annoyingly nasal nerdy voice) Did I do th- (clears his throat) Sorry, I’ll pay for that when my next residual check comes in.
Charles Barkley: I’m not with this knucklehead, I’m out ‘leel.
Jaleel White: Alright.
What happened next is all history. I think we can all learn a lesson from Jaleel “You know, I was in Dreamgirls, too” White. Don’t drink and drive, and if you do it’s in your best interest to enunciate clearly, so the officer doesn’t immediately think you’re drunk as fuck.
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