A Letter To (and From) David Bowie

Dear Mr. Bowie,

First off, we are both very big fans. Probably not your biggest fans, but we are American, both of us. Cool, right? We just read the very kind letter you wrote to your other American fan. You wrote it back in 1967, but it was really nice. Are you still a nice guy? Did you ever make it to America? It’s kind of shitty. I’ve been to England. DJ hasn’t. That’s not really relevant I guess.

Anyway, we were just writing you to say we are both very big fans, though we don’t really listen to your albums too much. I think we probably both downloaded a few for free. You know, like the popular ones: Ziggy Stardust and Space Oddity. DJ knows some trivia about your song “Let’s Dance.” I don’t remember it. This is Roy, writing the letter by the way. Well, I’m typing it. DJ is yelling out his comments to me. DJ says “Hey.”

The album we really like is Hunky Dory. It is SO good! We like a lot of the tracks. The first one, “Changes,” is really good. We like how you stutter on the word “changes.” Did you think of that yourself? DJ says you don’t really stutter in real life. That makes it even more creative. The next song, “Oh! You Pretty Things” that one is good too. We like how you say the line, “look out my window what do I see, crack in the sky…” That’s mostly because of the album “Crack the Skye.” It’s by Mastodon and it’s really good too. “Oh! You Pretty Things” has good piano. You have a good voice.

“Eight Line Poem” isn’t as good as the first two songs. Too slow. You probably get that a lot.

“Life on Mars” is another really creative song. Really good job with that, we were impressed. I’ve listen to that song over 10 times. DJ says he probably has to, but he hasn’t been keeping count. What is the song “Kooks” about? We like that one too. It’s good. The songs after that are good too. Sometimes you sing funny.

Did you ever get to meet Andy Warhol in real life? What is Andy Warhol like? The beginning to this song is weird. DJ says you were probably high when you made it. I guess that makes sense. Do you remember if you were? Do you have something against Bob Dylan? You seem to. Did you ever meet Bob Dylan? What is his voice like in real life? How old is he now?

“Queen Bitch” is pretty bad ass. It sounds really good. What was your inspiration to write that song? We like it a lot.

Well, anyway. Thanks for reading our letter. Like we said, we’re from America, so you know…hope to hear from you soon. Keep making good music, but try to make some songs like the ones on Hunky Dory because those are our favorite ones.

OK, bye,
Roy and DJ

Cheers Boys,

So glad to hear from you – it’s always good to know I have a couple more fans in AMERICA. I’m supposed to be on my way to my birthday party, but when I heard you had written me a letter I figured I owed it to you and myself to write back immediately. Besides, an intergalactic disco on Neptune can wait.

Believe it or not, I have made it to America, albeit only for a brief period (1968-2009). I’ve visited Chicago, Boise, San Fransisco, Miami, Austin, Newark (the one in New Jersey AND the one in Delaware, apparently they pronounce that one differently, though), Atlanta and of course New York City – The Big Apple. Have either of you been to New York City? I was surprised the streets weren’t paved with gold. Do you own any gold? I own tons of it. Literally, I own metric tons of actual gold. I’ve attached some in this letter. Notice anything funny about the 3 lb stamp? DJ – it’s a shame you haven’t been to the UK yet, I’m sure you’d love it here. Based on what I’ve read on SmartassRadio.com, you’d really enjoy washing down some bangers and mash with a lukewarm pint.

I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying my albums, however sporadically. It’s a little bizarre that DJ knows I played the guitar part with Stevie Ray Vaughn’s penis, but I guess that’s the life of a rocker! Hunky Dory is one of my favorite albums too! I agree “Changes” is a very good song. I’m glad you liked it. Hopefully I’ll write another song like it one day. Isn’t it fun to stutter words? Try it “p-p-p-puddle” “m-m-m-mud” “w-w-w-wet”. It’s raining again in foggy Londontown.

I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like “8 Line Poem”. I’ll see what can be done about removing it from upcoming re-releases of Hunky Dory. Although it holds a dear place in my heart, I don’t disagree with you. Sometimes when I hear it, I think it’s a little “Elton John” if you catch my drift.

To answer your question, “Kooks” is about a pet dog I once had. His name was Kooks. I called him Kookie. You know, like “Cookie.” I loved that dog. I would take him for walks all over town. His favorite thing to eat was ham. Imagine that! A dog, eating ham. What a joy! Unfortunately, that dog died. John Lennon hit that dog with his car.

Andy Warhol was a great artist, but I later found out he was a homosexual and our relationship faded after that, sorry to say. To answer the second part of your question: yes, indeed, I was very high when I wrote that song. I’ve been high since I was 17!

Don’t even get me started on that shitdick Bob Dylan. Never in my life have I ever met a more pretentious windbag like Robert Zimmerman. That Jew bastard never worked a day in his life and I think it shows in his music. What a fucking prick. Seriously. “The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind”? Bob Dylan has been peddling cat shit for 40 something years.

You know what inspired “Queen Bitch”? Bob “Cat Shit” Dylan.

It’s been a pleasure answering your questions, guys. Really, feel free to write any time. I wish I had a bit more time to write some more, but it’s time to put the ole’ spacesuit on and head out.

Happy New Year,

David Bowie

P.S. I feel like I wasn’t clear earlier. When I said “8 Line Poem” was a little “Elton John” I meant chubby and gay. But also knighted.