Roy and I moved into a new apartment on New Year’s Eve and the previous tenants left an entire month’s worth of coupons, bills and magazines in our mailbox. Among the magazines were two copies of Vibe, two copies of Entrepreneur and four copies OK! Weekly, the lesser and perhaps even more obnoxious version of Us Weekly. As I made my way through these three magazines, I caught myself thoroughly enjoying Entrepreneur, feigning interest in Vibe, and throwing a bigger and bigger fit with each new page of OK! So, I decided to write a letter to the editor pointing out just a few of the most glaring flaws in the publication they so brazenly put their name on. What follows is actually what I emailed susan@okmagazine.com (the editor in chief).
Dearest Susan,
I happened upon the four most recent issues of OK! Weekly while moving into a new apartment this past week. As a 21 year old heterosexual male, I’m sure I’m far beyond your target audience. But, I’ve invested about 30 minutes (total) reading these four issues on the toilet. So, naturally, I feel the overwhelming urge to throw my two cents in about how you can improve your publication.
First of all, no one does or has ever cared about Ashton Kutcher. Once he married Demi Moore, he officially threw in the towel. Punk’d was funny for about half an episode and Kelso was far and away the least enjoyable part of That 70s Show. I’d much rather see Wilmer Valderama, and I could have sworn magazines like yours used to love that weirdo.
Next, stop listing peoples’ ages after their names. It completely ruins any shred of integrity anything you write may have. “Ashton Kutcher, 30, said he likes it when Demi Moore puts his Ritalin in peanut butter so it tastes better” is much more obnoxious than “Ashton Kutcher even acknowledges that news about Ashton Kutcher wearing trucker hats is the last thing anyone wants to read about.” Don’t you think? If you’re going to keep doing this at least limit yourself to when it’s actually warranted. Like when someone’s age and their actions are completely outrageous. “Ashton Kutcher, 30, has the reading level of a fourth grader, 10.”
Putting “OK!” in the beginning of every recurring article is useless and stupid looking. I don’t put “SmartassRadio.com” in front of “A Letter to the Editor of OK! Weekly” because no one would read that. Everyone can tell by the URL that they’re reading SmartassRadio.com and if you’re worried about your readers forgetting the name of your magazine (which, come to think of it, is probably a legitimate concern), maybe you should rethink this entire business of printing magazines. I present you a list of articles that could lose the “OK!” in the front:
OK! Buzz
OK! Buzz: Red Carpet
OK! Buzz: Polls
OK! Buzz: A-List Ballot
OK! Snaps
OK! Exclusive
OK! Close Up
OK! Chat
OK! Style Watch
OK! Interview
OK! Trend
OK! Out & About
OK! Getaways
OK! Body & Soul
OK! Picks
OK! TV Reviews
OK! Galaxy
OK! Hot Guy
OK! Parties
OK! Puzzles
When you list them all together, it looks kinda stupid (it also looks like you table of contents).
I guess my next suggestion might be out of your control, but if you publish this email and your readers make it past the first, second, third and fourth paragraphs (a stretch for sure), this can be a big help. In the “OK! Poll” section of the “OK! Buzz” section of the OK! Magazine from December 15 (are you starting to see my earlier point?) you decided that Tom Cruise looks better than Rhianna in an eye patch. Tom Cruise has never looked better than Rhianna in anything. Not in a pair of tightey-whiteys sliding around on his parents’ hardwood floor, not in spacesuit on the Freewinds. You also decided the tattoo Stephen Baldwin, 42, has of Hannah Montana, 16, (her initials anyway) is not as creepy as Dean McDermott’s tattoo of his wife, Tori Spelling (Editor – see what I did there?). Stop taking polls on OKMagazine.com. It’s just frightening to know what you dopes think.
If you’ve made it this far, I truly applaud you. If you actually even pretend to implement any of these obviously genius ideas, you will give me a male enhancement Viagra wishes it could induce. If you follow my next suggestion, I will bring my raging telephone poll-like appendage and offer consensual sex with you in front of a running video camera so you can re-experience the life altering event over and over again.
It would be really easy to suggest you stop publishing. I refuse to do that. Instead, I want you to hire a photographer and writer to follow Gary Busey. I realize the short-lived Comedy Central show Life With Busey attempted this, but I really don’t think their heart was in it. You could even call it “OK, Busey” and that would make a lot of sense. Or, if you don’t want to hire two new people, give the guy an advice column. Gary Busey answering the questions of depressed and/or confused housewives and teens? Pure literary gold.
Thanks for reading,
D.J. “Way Too Opinionated and Outspoken” Scully
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