A Letter to Universal Studios Concerning a Possible Jurassic Park Saga
Dear Universal Studios,
Hello. First of all, I’m a huge fan. I just had a quick suggestion, concerning your Jurassic Park franchise. It seems like you guys were fine with just wrapping that up as a trilogy. I mean you could do that, but why not just pull a “Star Wars” and go for the saga? I know it’s hard to think of movie ideas. I know. But, TA-DA, I solved that problem for you! Here are three guaranteed oscar-worthy Jurassic Park ideas. Feel free to use them, no charge. Seeing these cinematic masterpieces come to fruition would be enough of a reward.
Jurassic Park IV: The Diadac Strand
Guess what part of the Brontosaurus that is!
Starring: Sam Neill as Alan Grant, Jeff Goldblum as Dr. Ian Malcolm, Carmen Electra as Dr. Ellie Sattler (replacing Laura Dern) and Sylvester Stallone as Condor Diesel
Premise: A Swedish researcher charters a boat to the Jurassic Park isles, supposedly to take photographs. In reality he is a huge advocate for vegetarian causes and wants to exterminate the world’s first meat-eater: T-Rex. He is too much of a pacifist to kill the king of lizards himself, so instead he introduces a volatile strain of DNA called “the diadac strand” to a nest of young brontosauruses. Years later, the brontosauruses have becomes full grown, nearly double the size of average long-necks and extremely violent. A low flying plane is attacked by one of them and crashes. Alan Grant and Ian Malcolm are called in once again to solve the problem. And introducing Carmen Electra as Ellie Sattler and Silvester Stallone as dino-hunter Condor Diesel. The brontosauruses are eventually killed by drilling holes into their backs and dropping nuclear bombs inside.
Highlights:
-A 300-foot brontosaurus battles a pack of tyrannosauruses on the edge of a volcano.
-Condor Diesel kills a alpha-male velociraptor with his bare hands.
-Ellie Sattler gets captured by a brontosaurus and is held captive in a leopard print bikini.
Rating: PG
Runtime: 35 minutes.
Jurassic Park V: Isle Noche
If anyone knows what comic this is originally from I will be impressed.
Starring: Jeff Goldblum as Dr. Ian Malcolm, Samuel L. Jackson as Ray Arnold, Owen Wilson as the voice of “Mr. DNA” and Anthony Hopkins as Bartholomew Kennings
Premise: A new island in the Jurassic Park archipelago is discovered. The island is surrounded by very steep mountain ridges, so the sun barely shines on the island’s interior, giving it the name “Isle Noche.” Ray Arnold (turns out he didn’t actually die in the first movie) is now working for the CIA. He notices that the…let’s say Argentinian government is planning to start a nuclear war with America. Meanwhile, Bartholomew Kennings, a rich thrill-seeker plans to scale the cliffs of Isle Noche. When he gets to the top of the cliff he looks down into the dark valley where a primitive airstrip as been constructed. He encounters a large tyrannosaurus, who is friendly and eats only smaller mammals and nuts. They learn to communicate through sign language. The tyrannosaurus has taught himself how to fly a fighter jet, left over by InGen in the first movie. Jeff Goldblum shows up and alerts Bartholomew and the T-Rex that America is about to be attacked. The T-Rex flies his jet to help (because he’s already so much closer to Argentina) and destroys the entire Argentinian air force with homing missiles and clusterbombs.
Highlights:
-Ray Arnold’s sassy talk.
-Bartholomew Kenning’s reads the T-Rex excerpts of “Journey to the Center of the Earth” as the sun sets on Isle Noche. Touching moment.
-The 45 minutes high-octane jet dogfight at the end of the movie.
Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 189 minutes.
Jurassic Park VI: Humanity’s Dusk
Easiest nine dollars I’d ever spend.
Starring: Christian Bale as T-1000, Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones, the Miami Dolphin’s cheerleaders as themselves,
Premise: Set in the year 2066, terminator robots are beginning to take over the world. Indiana Jones unearths an ancient tablet that teaches human-beings how to tame and communicate with dinosaurs. Most of the world’s resources are being used to built floating cloud-fortresses to protect against the terminator robots. The Miami Dolphin’s cheerleader squad is recruited to go to the Jurassic Park islands and befriend the dinosaurs. Their boat capsizes thanks to a giant squid, but the squad is able to swim ashore, their clothes in tatters. Communication is difficult at first, but the cheerleaders realize that if they are naked (like the dinosaurs) bonds are easily formed. Months go by and the dinosaurs are trained to speak English, prepare simple meals and operate motor vehicles. All the dinosaurs are shipped back to America on a giant aircraft carrier. They are then loaded up with weapons and used to battle the juggernaut army.
Highlights:
-the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders have a whipped-cream pie fight with a group of teenage gallimimus.
-You get to see Christian Bale’s butt.
-A bunch of dinosaurs with laser cannons on their backs fight giant robots, come on.
Rating: R
Runtime: N/A
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01/21/2009
totally Calvin and Hobbes!
06/26/2011
Your blog rocks and made me laugh. The background…hahahahahahahahaha!
Great stuff!