Sigh…hello everyone. This is Leo, one of SmartassRadio’s many music reviewers. I got recruited here as part of the site’s endangered species awareness and protection program. It’s been fine, I mean good, good. I’m glad to be here. Well, I’m homesick, sure, everyone gets homesick…being so far from home. Hmm…anyway. What was I talking about? I don’t even know…sigh…oh, right….the music review. I’m sorry. You know they asked me to write a review of Dave Matthews Band’s new album “Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King” weeks ago, they figured, being from Africa and all, I would be the right correspondent for this album, but I haven’t been able to muster up the effort. I’m so out of sorts recently. I don’t have any appetite. My mane is disheveled and, and…I just don’t know what to do…but I promised I would get this done by tomorrow so…here goes nothing, I suppose…
All right, well, I haven’t heard the album yet, so I’m going to have to just listen through it as I type here…let me just get my Ipod ready…hm…come on…come on…seems to have gotten frozen here. What do you do when your Ipod freezes? I remember hearing this…you push the middle and play, I think, let me try that and- oh fuck! Ah, dammit, excuse the language, I just snapped this thing in two. Dammit I just got this! They have to make these more sturdy, they don’t lend themselves to lions at all. Well this is just great. Typical situation for Leo. I think Murphy’s Law was written with me in mind…Jeez. I honestly have the worst luck, uggh, I hate it! Anyway, sorry for the guff. They gave me a CD copy too, so let me just play that….Man, I can’t believe I broke my Ipod, that sucks…
All right, this first song is upbeat, doesn’t really fit my mood, but I guess I could see the appeal. Maybe if someone ever wanted to actually hang out with me instead of ignoring my calls all the time I might actually have someone to listen to it with, but whatever that will never happen because everyone seems to think I am just the worst thing on the planet. The trumpet’s really leading the way here. Let me get the song title for you readers….ok…um…oh..oh terrific…this first one is called “Shake Me Like A Monkey.” I once ate a monkey. I remember it was back on the Savannah. My friend Jared brought home the dead monkey in his mouth. It’s guts were spilled all over the den floor like sauerkraut and ketchup. I remember he just smiled at me and let me have the first bite. I bit that monkey’s head, felt his tiny skull crush under my jaws and his eyeball juice squirt down my throat. Such a good memory. I don’t even know where Jared is anymore. We haven’t talked in ages. Kind of had a falling out after he stole my girlfriend, Nala. Well, he didn’t steal her. I wasn’t treating her right, I know that now. God, I wish I could get her back. Why did I have to be such a fuck-up? I didn’t deserve her, I don’t deserve anything. I need to get myself together, uggh…but why? For what? I’ve got nothing look at me. I haven’t eaten good monkey in weeks. What do I have? Tonight will be another Lean Cuisine and a Tivo-ed episode of Jon and Kate Plus Eight that I’ve already watched three times through. Hooray for Leo…I mean it’s not like anyone is ever going to give ME a call…God forbid someone pick up a telephone and call ME for a change. Uggh, just one of those days. Another in a long, long line of THOSE days. Oh, the song’s done…all right.
Well this next one is called, “Funny The Way It Is,” oh, I remember, this is the single. Let me listen. Maybe I should include some lyrics. They do that in this music reviews right? Ok…
Lying in the park on a beautiful day
Sunshine in the grass, and the children play
Siren’s passing, fire engine red
Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this
Wow, those are awesome lyrics, I’m kind of liking this song. I’ve thought about that all the time. Like everyone is out there having fun and here I am, all alone and it’s kind of like no one even cares. No one even notices that, hey, maybe there is someone else out there who isn’t having fun all the time, you know? The only problem is how come that person, or in this case lion, always has to be me? Example: I go down to the watering hole today, which, for me, is a big step because I always get so anxious when I go out places, especially a place like the watering hole which is such a social area, but, I don’t know, I woke up feeling pretty good for once and I figured I’d make the most of it. I mean, my mother always says if I want to change things I have to get out there and make the change myself, people aren’t going to just hand things to me, but, I mean, it’s not that I’m looking for hand outs. I just want someone to talk to and everything, because, I don’t know, I feel like I have a lot to give, but whatever, I mean I guess I’m the stereotypical “Cowardly Lion,” but that’s just who I am. I’m a homebody, I’m a shy guy, I don’t really see why that gets looked down upon because I’m a lion. I just don’t relate to that “Alpha Male” role and, of course, anytime I try to tell my Dad about my feelings he flips out and can’t even understand me and barely lets me talk at all and then just rambles on and starts roaring about how I don’t have a job and I’m embarrassing the family and when he was my age he was already leading the pack and now I’m just a big pussy. Well, whatever Dad, maybe I’m not like you!
Well, right, at the watering hole, I get there and already I start feeling anxious and I’m trying to find a spot to just slip in, drink some water, and get out. That’s all I want, nothing major, but there are all these cliques, and I know I don’t want to go by the Zebras because then everyone will be all like, “Oh shit, Leo’s hanging with the Zebras now, what a douche” and then Jared is there with Nala and, of course, that’s awkward. So I tried just a casual wave of the paw at Nala, and she ignores me, so already I feel like shit and I was just about to turn back home when that loony, homeless warthog comes running over, with bug drool coming down his mouth, covered in mud and I’m thinking “great, can this get anymore embarrassing?” and he just yells out (in front of the entire watering hole mind you) “Don’t worry Leo, just remember Hakuna Matata!” Immediately the entire place erupts in laughter and I hear Jared yell out “Yeah fag, I Hakuna Matata-ed your mom last night!” and in my head I was just thinking… “Uggh, you know what, some people don’t live by a problem-free philosophy, some people slit their tails at night.”
Wow, I missed a few songs there, sorry. I’m up to track eight, it’s called “Alligator Pie.” I once knew an alligator. His name was Richie Coles. I brought a ton of Zoloft and Prozac from him in eleventh and twelfth grade. My dad insisted that depression isn’t a real problem and wouldn’t take me in to get a prescription, but I knew I needed it, so I had to buy it from Richie Coles, the alligator. Of course, Richie didn’t just deal prescription stuff, he had heavier shit too. I started with opium, then got into H and eventually was doing good stuff, china white, rolled with pot and smoking that before going out with the pack to hunt. Of course, everyone caught on pretty quick that I wasn’t doing well. I was such a slacker, a waste of fur really. The people at PETA would have a hard time justifying my life. I went out joy-prowling with a buddy of mine, Joey Fattinuchi, we were both doing lines off a dead giraffe’s neck and I was high off my ass. Joey asked me to just keep a lookout while he went over to the tree line to take a dump. I said sure, but then dozed off for a bit. I woke to the sound of gun shots. Poachers had come out of the forest, shot Joey right in the neck. I was flipping out. I ran back to the pack and everyone was so upset, because Joey had been such a good kid. They were looking at me like I was the scum of the earth, and honestly I felt like it. I still have dreams about Joey, at least once a month, I wake up in a cold sweat and I can never fall back asleep. I hate myself for it. I would do anything to go back and change what I did. I regret it more than anything else and I don’t think I’ll ever live it down.
Anyway, I’ll give Dave Matthews Band’s new album “Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King” a 6 out of 10.
