Many reputable anthropologists will tell you that many reputable animals were first fish. I’m not going to get into the specifics of the whole thing, frankly I don’t understand it. Suffice it to say that everyone from Rasputin to Walt Disney has evolved from an ancient tadpole in some Triassic shit-pool. Imagining this ancestral progression can lead to a truly cosmic meditation, but I’m not interested in that. What I’m worried about is when evolution goes bad. Sure, humans are on top now, but you don’t need to be a reputable anthropologist to see that our chapter is coming to a close. Which leads me to this terrible possibility: walkin’ crocs.
I realize announcing this terrible possibility no longer packs the same punch as it did before “Crocs TM” walking shoes were popularized. Of course the threat I’m referring to does not come from bodacious beach wear, it comes from the prospect of bipedal Crocodylidae. The Egyptians had a god by the name of Sobek. With the body of a man and the head of a crocodile, he could scare the pants off even the bravest papyrus-weaver. Luckily, Sobek is mythological and, thus, poses only a minimal threat to my safety. But what if a real crocodile got her hands on a copy of The Origin of Species? Do you think she’d take her sun-crisped, rigid, lizard bum back to some mangrove sewer? I should think not. She would march right back to her float of crocodile (float is the proper collective noun for a group of crocodiles, important to know when they take over the planet) and tell all her comrades, “Hey everybody! It’s about time we got us some evolution done!” The other crocs would chime in: “Hear! Hear! Har! Har!”
Now the true terribleness of this terrible possibility would become terribly possible. Right now, if you stay away from salt-water, fresh-water, golf courses and Florida, you can be pretty sure you will live a crocodile-free lifestyle. Add walkin’ crocs into the equation and you’ve got a much more deadly situation. Getting a tie from the closet? CROC ATTACK! Working on some Geometry homework in the park? Don’t look now! CROC ATTACK! Getting intimate with your significant other? Guess again! It’s a disguise! CROC ATTACK! With walkin’ crocs no one is safe. Even your own friends could be crocodiles in disguise. The only way to tell a real human from a reptilian human would be to carefully examine their snout and tail areas, but even this isn’t foolproof.
My only advice at this point would be to keep a watchful eye on any crocodiles. Maybe visit your local zoo and start developing a good rapport. I would most definitely not recommend flaunting any crocodile-purses, shoes or belts. Perhaps, you should even consider giving away your collection of Crocodile Hunter DVDs.
On the plus side, I don’t expect alligators to ever pose much of a threat. Something about walkin’ gators just seems a little absurd. For now, I’ll be keeping my full attention on the crocs.