America, Still on Top Baby
America’s finally been declared #1 at something I give a Shit about.
It’s a fact that we’re the most consistent, the youngest, and the best pot-smokers on the planet here in the US of A. Now, a Public Library of Science survey of 17 countries (Holland included) has reaffirmed that fact and also heralded America as numero uno at consuming alcohol, tobacco and cocaine better than any other country. It’s good news, but it basically only confirms something that we all knew already: when it comes to consumption of anything, America is the top dog, baby!
Obviously the US government does a stellar job of informing the population how much fun drugs and alcohol can be by restricting them as much as tolerable. We’re winning the war on drugs all right – me and you – and we’ve got to keep on raging if we want America to stay on top in this global battle for superiority.
Don’t be daunted; us Metalheads are the best at this. It isn’t the Homolympics. We use different drugs to win this contest. You don’t have to juice your nuts away and run a 5k in 15 seconds or toss a heavy ball or some shit to do your part in this competition. For example, all I gotta do is sit back, blast to some Orange Goblin and spark a doob. Maybe bump a line or two. See if anyone’s got some leaks to sell. I think I lost some crank behind my couch that could still be there. There’s been a sketchball on my street-corner pushin’ doves for a minute now. And holy shit…there’s a needle dangling off of my arm right now that I forgot about! It’s just that easy, and you should do your part, too. Grab a stem and go nuts. For America.
You can check out the survey here, but I have pretty much saved you the trouble. Trust me, it’s boring as fuck.
08/18/2008
fuck michael phelps. swimming isn’t nearly as fun as firing up a bong and falling asleep while watching harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay.