An Open Letter to Chris Brown
Mr. Brown,
Listen here, douche bag – Rihanna is an American treasure. You are an absolute scumbag and I’m personally disgusted with your conduct. I’ll begin this letter with some questions regarding the incident. First, who the hell are you receiving booty call texts from? You’re sitting in a fucking car with RIHANNA. Second, how come she’s the one that ended up getting her ass beaten? You jackass, you have to take a dive for that one – no excuses. Third, what were you thinking? You can’t just go around leaving beautiful girls knocked out in parking lots. You have to be responsible for your actions/messes. What you have done can never be forgiven and I personally hope you spend time getting systematically raped by hundreds of gargantuan lunatics in jail. I also hope for her sake, your mother never crosses my path. The mother of the guy who beat up Rihanna will certainly get her comeuppance from me (probably in the form of unrelenting tickles and the occasional ass-slap – tame, but comeuppance, nevertheless).
The ultimate puss-cake.
That being said, I have a few tips so this will never happen again. You need to take a few lessons from the Ike Turner handbook of “beating my famous girlfriend/wife within inches of her life and not letting anyone find out.” Now, I hate Ike Turner almost as much as I hate Tina, but he really had his shit together when it came to laying down the law.
The first lesson he has to teach us is the age old “deny till you die.” This is very critical for you, especially now. Even Ike slipped on this issue, so you know it’s way hard. Check out this quote from his autobiography, which was released in 2001 (27 YEARS after they got divorced): “there have been times I have punched her for no reason.” Why on earth, after all the years of denying it, would he do this? He totally destroyed any and all credibility he ever had. You must not fall into this trap. If you’re going to admit anything, blame it on alcohol. Oh wait, you’re only 19 and you were driving while it happened. Deny, deny, deny.
You already fucked up lesson number two, so let’s make sure you don’t do it again. Clean up your fucking messes. You can’t have a disoriented Rihanna stumbling into a hospital muttering your name. You have got to keep that shit at home and keep it on the DL. It’s rumored that Ike beat Tina with his car’s radio antenna to leave less visible marks. He didn’t choke her out leaving her bruised and fucked up for the whole world to see. I’m sure your Masarati doesn’t have an antenna, so be creative – maybe some fiber optic cable from your unlimited Vios subscription could work. Or maybe, the owner’s manual from your gold iPhone. Use your imagination.
There’s really only one other word of advice I can give. Quit being such a pussy. She had fucking bite marks on her? You fight like a kindergarten bitch. In all my life, I have never had the urge to bite someone as a means of self defense or punishment. How do you even go about biting someone during an altercation in a car? “Wait, wait, wait, timeout, timeout, I gotta catch my breath. ::exhales:: Just kidding TIME IN. HAHAHA I bit you!!” Man up; if you’re gonna smack a bitch, smack a bitch and call it a night.
I actually have one more piece of advice. This one may seem silly, but it might save you life. Stay the hell away from Roy. He and Rihanna had a thing last year and he’s angry as shit. I know he doesn’t look like much, but when he gets some legally purchased silly juice in his system, oh boy are you in for a beating. Which you deserve 100%.
