Hello interweb community,

This is Ronnie Roundhouser and I’m now a blogger for smartassradio.com, lucky you. For those who don’t know (a-holes), I am a famous record producer. Unfortunately, my fame has not always brought in the dough, though one of my records did go aluminum….all right, enough introduction, what I want to talk about today was this: eating fucking hot dogs. Due to my stardom I scored a spot in Nathan’s HD Eating Contest. I prepped for this bad boy all week. I’m talking upwards of eight hotdogs a day, pretty fuckin’ unbelievable. Anyhow, I got this great idea the night before the big eat off. I say to myself, “Ronnie when do you eat the most shit?”. Clearly, its when I’m so high off my fuckin’ ass I think the sun is trying to put its fingers through my hair. So its like eleven in the pm, but I take the pick-up over to my buddy Ted’s. He’s got a nice tent setup on the roof of the local Home Depot. Mini-Fridge, George Foreman Grill and he’s always ready with a bag of cheetos. So after a lengthy climb to the top of the Depot, I meet up with Teddy and, like always, that son of bitch has got a bag of cheetos just waiting for me. Gotta love that son of a bitch. I start chowing down on these cheese puffs and I’m just about to ask Ted for some ganja when I come upon the hugest fuckin’ cheeto I’ve ever seen in my whole fuckin’ life. This thing was massive. Bigger than yours truly’s endowments, ie: fuckin’ astronomical. So I’m holding up this cheeto with two hands like it’s a set of bull testicles and I’m shouting to Ted, “you gotta come see this you son of a bitch!”. So Ted runs over and he’s thinking the same shit I am: the cheeto is a sign from Zeus that I’m going to school Johnny Rub-nuts and that chink in the HD eatin’ contest. Ted runs off to get me some twine so I can wear this thing round my neck while I sleep and I yell for him to bring out the ganja too. I figured I would just smoke for the twelve hours before the contest that way I could definitely eat a ton. Long story short: Ted doesn’t have any ganja, I get as pissed as a beehive in a toolbox, I take all Ted’s cheetos, repel down the Home Depot and take a taxi to the train station.

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We’re back! This is the first Smartass Radio podcast since September 1, 2009 and the first one to feature Roy since June 19, 2009. Some history for you – you’re welcome!

This week Roy poses a very interesting question: What would you do if you had 75 hours to live? Then DJ asks how Roy would like his dream woman presented to him. We bring some very interesting punctuation to the table and debate which of us gave more effort in school and whether or not it paid off. Also Roy apparently has some problem with sperm and discussing it.

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Keep on rockin' in the free world.

This past weekend I thought I would have the pleasure of watching one of my favorite actors, Jim Carrey, tell great jokes in a really funny way. If you saw the show then you might realize that at least one part of that expectation is incorrect. Comedy experts, Daniel Joe and I, are going to breakdown the episode and try to determine where SNL went wrong with their first show of 2010 2011.

Bit One: Jim Carrey’s Monologue

DJ: The monologue was ok, I guess. I remember thinking something about it was lame or unfunny, but honestly the whole thing was pretty forgettable.
Roy: Jim Carrey had a lot of positive attitude. It was like four days ago, so it’s fuzzy. Carrey made fun of someone’s boobs? Oh, then he proposed to an actress in the audience. I think she was an actress. The thing was that he is really rich, so why would she ever say no? Because she was already married. So Carrey decided to go with the guy with boobs.

Bit Two: Black Swan

DJ: I remember the ballerina who wasn’t Jim Carrey was extremely attractive. Is she a cast member? Jim Carrey brought the HaHas on this one. He was absolutely crazy, had buffalo wings tattooed on his back.  Bill Hader was kind of a retard though.  B-

Roy: Oh, are we rating them now? Yeah, this bit was funny. Jim Carrey reminded me of Ace Ventura, so Cha-Ching. I mean, come on, a grown man in a ballerina costume? That is funny. Did anything else happen? Oh! Jim Carrey licked Bill Hader’s ear. And that’s gay, and gay is funny.  B-

Bit Three:  Grady Wilson’s Tantric n’ Tasty

DJ: Glad to see Keenan settling into his spot on the cast. Sometimes these things just take the better part of a decade. No need to rush. The Grady Wilson tapes are always pretty funny. This one is no exception. It’s exactly pretty funny. I wish Jim Carrey would have gone with a different character – I want hyper weirdo Jim, not pretend-stoned Jim. 3/5

Roy: Yeah, I like my Jim Carrey physical comedy to be Extreme!! This was a perfect set up for Carrey to get freaky. The best one was the ‘sneaky baboon’ when Carrey kept jumping off and on a ladder set up in Wilson’s basement recording studio. Really silly. Really funny. 4/5.

Bit Four: Worst of Soul Train

DJ: I actually thought this was very funny. It started off a little slow, but by the time it got to Keenan and the… I’m blanking on the name, but it was funny. Jim Carrey was icing on the cake doing a really bizarre late 70s/early 80s song in some kind of wacky outfit. **** (4 out of 4 1/2 stars)

Roy: I thought this one sucked. I am not blaming Jim Carrey at all; I think he brought everything he could to his performance, but the writing sucked. I specifically blame the Lonely Island guys on the writing staff who can’t seem to go an episode without singing something stupid. If they are going to keep that up they need to start writing funnier, more original lyrics. These weren’t funny. Jim Carrey had a lot of energy though, so that’s funny. 19 out of 20 Andy Sambergs.

Bit Five:  Amusement Park Ride

DJ: Amusement Park Ride? What? When did this happen?

Roy: The Amusement Park Ride!!, that was the best one the entire night!!

DJ: I honestly don’t have any recollection of a bit based around an amusement par-oh wait. Yeah, this one was funny. Keenan, The guy who’s not Bill Hader and Jim Carrey were very funny.

Roy: Yeah, they should have just called this the “Keenan and Jim show. ” In this instance Jim Carrey was doing some really funny physical comedy.

DJ: If I HAD to rate it, I’d give it 5/5 Orange Sodas. No, wait. That’s Kel’s thing.

Roy: I would give it 10/10 “Aww, here it goes!” I’m hungry. DJ, are you hungry?

Bit Six: Fortune Teller

DJ: I’m starving. What are you in the mood for? A lot of places are probably closed. I’d do Chile’s if it’s open.

Roy: Chile’s would be pretty outrageous, but you know? What else does a snow-day call for but outrage? So, yeah, I could do Chile’s. Or we could do something simpler. Do you think we’ll be able to make our way out of this igloo? (Jim Carrey did some impressions, whatever.) I would give this 1 out of 2 lunch options.

The Black Keys:

DJ: They blew. Yeah, we’ll probably have to shovel the car out. We should have a backup if Chile’s is closed. I want to nominate Five Guys with Applebee’s as a total last resort.

Roy: Agreed. The Black Keys stunk. Let’s get a shovel.

As a humorist I take almost nothing that seriously. It’s not only part of my job, it’s part of my personality and lifestyle. For example, I don’t take the word “tendercrisp” very seriously. I’m sorry, but I can’t. This leads to more problems. For example, I can’t take the Wikipedia page for the Tendercrisp seriously. What’s worse, I can no longer take the words “Tender” or “Crisp” seriously. It’s an awful downward spiral of lacking seriousness, all because I can’t take the word “tendercrisp” seriously. Some other words I no longer take seriously are: change, penis, vagina, awesome, tubular, black ops and any adverb.

But those are just words. This blog post is about things I don’t take seriously. I want to be as clear as can be with this. Maybe the word Tendercrisp or the word Tubular or the word Penis lend themselves to comedy. They don’t really have a serious connotation to begin with. The things on this list are things that (I’m pretty sure) are meant to be taken seriously. Still, from first glance I could not take them seriously. Let me tell you what the four things are and why I, ultimately,  find them so funny.

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Roy: Hey there everybody,

Everybody: Hi Roy! You missed a post yesterday, you know?

Roy: Yeah, I know. Sorry. But I just added one about Moby Dick.

Everybody: It wasn’t good or funny.

Roy: Yeah, I know. That’s why I posted it to the past. So no one reads it. You like the new logo though, right?

Everybody: Yeah, congrats on posting Jason’s hard work.

Roy: I’ve never really cared for the Gorillaz. Actually, I take that back, I (like every other 8th grader) did like that one song, Clint Eastwood. I still think it rocks. Here’s a video. I would recommend playing it while you read the rest of this blog.

Sickkkkk.

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Earlier in the week DJ brought to my attention a startling fact: apparently you people are not very literate. Well either that or the content on this site is just too stupid- though no particular post comes to mind. Here’s the evidence:

88% Basic 11% Intermediate 1% Posts by Patty O’Leary

Not looking good. Well, luckily I work in a library and I happened to have some archive access. That’s right! I have access to archived books- really famous manuscripts that have never been released! So, in an effort to boost our reading level, I stole this exclusive chapter excerpt from Herman Melville’s classic Moby Dick. These particular chapters were censored from the original publication because they describe the whale’s penis and Ishmael’s diatribe on whale semen. It’s pretty boring stuff, but I can guarantee you that this is 100% real. I stole these documents from the library I work at and copied them here, word for word, verbatim. Enjoy:

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I’m a pretty smart guy, but even I can get stumped sometimes. The other day DJ and I were talking about the hardest classes we’ve ever taken. For me one class stands out above the rest. In my sophomore year of college I took a class called “Abstract Philosophy.” I thought it would be a breeze, an easy-A general education class. Boy was I wrong. It ended up being one of the hardest classes I ever took. In the end I came away with an A-. Totally sucked. Here’s a scan of the final exam. This shit was tough.