As a humorist I take almost nothing that seriously. It’s not only part of my job, it’s part of my personality and lifestyle. For example, I don’t take the word “tendercrisp” very seriously. I’m sorry, but I can’t. This leads to more problems. For example, I can’t take the Wikipedia page for the Tendercrisp seriously. What’s worse, I can no longer take the words “Tender” or “Crisp” seriously. It’s an awful downward spiral of lacking seriousness, all because I can’t take the word “tendercrisp” seriously. Some other words I no longer take seriously are: change, penis, vagina, awesome, tubular, black ops and any adverb.

But those are just words. This blog post is about things I don’t take seriously. I want to be as clear as can be with this. Maybe the word Tendercrisp or the word Tubular or the word Penis lend themselves to comedy. They don’t really have a serious connotation to begin with. The things on this list are things that (I’m pretty sure) are meant to be taken seriously. Still, from first glance I could not take them seriously. Let me tell you what the four things are and why I, ultimately,  find them so funny.

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It’s the last day of the year! It’s the last day of the year! Everyone is getting drunk tonight! Everyone is getting drunk tonight! Party time! Party time!

But first, let’s look at some statistics. Once again the state of the art research team here at SmartassRadio.com has compiled the top 50 Google searches of the year. This is a yearly tradition. We’ve been compiling this info for decades, but we only post the list when we’ve made it. Otherwise it’s pretty irrelevant, you know? Well, the first time we made it was back in 2008. I admit we didn’t cut it in 2009, sadly- it takes a strong man to admit when he’s been beat. The good news is that the SAR research report shows that we have once again made the top 50! We’re sitting pretty at #39! Excellent. Here are the top 10 Google searches of 2010, the rest of the list is after the break.

1. Chat Roolet

2. katy perry boobs elmo

3. Avatar: Last Air Bender

4. alison brie boobs

5. Circuit City

6. val kilmer boobs

7. # 食べログ

8. sofia vergara boobs

9. Who is BP?

10. Michael Jackson tour 2011

Congratulations to Katy Perry and Elmo for making it to the top of the list!

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Poor Newsday. Everyone who’s anyone in the New York metropolitan area thinks of the Long Island newspaper as unnecessary and irrelevant. Until very recently I would have argued the point that, although it’s a cultural wasteland largely made up of privileged assholes who can’t speak even remotely proper English, drive in a responsible manner, or drink a nice relaxing beverage, there’s enough going on on Long Island to justify it’s own reasonably well written newspaper. I would even go so far as to say the sports writing is pretty serviceable and even funny in an “I can’t believe these guys get paid to write blogs” kind of way.

“That guy’s a turd.” – My dad in reference to Neil Best. Well said, pops.

I would have said all that until about three days ago. That’s when Neil Best decided to sit down and write “The Top 10 Best New York Sports Moments of 2010.” They changed the name online to omit the “New York” part, but you’ll notice every moment includes a New York team. Again, this would have amused me any other day. I love lists. I watched a ton of sports in 2010. I definitely would have liked to combine the two. But Neil Fucking Best had to go and take a big dump on what would be great dump-taking reading material.

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I’m writing this on Monday night about an hour before the New York Giants play the Minnesota Vikings in Detroit. This wacky set of circumstances comes as a direct result of this:

Woah.

Anyway, even more significant than an entire sports stadium collapsing under the weight of what appears to be either cocaine or sudsy bubbles is the fact that Brett Favre won’t be starting. For those of you who a) don’t like to spend 10 hours every Sunday screaming at their TV, b) don’t know the names of the sports they watch, or c) sat out every 2nd week of high school gym because of “menstrual cramps,” Brett Favre has started every single regular season game since 1992. Follow me after the jump for a list of significant events that have happened since Brett started tossing an asymmetrical leather ball to really fast black guys on a professional level.

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It’s been just about a year since the site was last updated, so I decided to dig down deep and really get back to my roots with my first one back. In classic SmartassRadio.com form, I’m going to waste a few minutes of your day by picking on some people who I will never meet in real life and who will never ever read this. Really daring shit.

The original title was “Eight Douchebags Who Will Never Have TV Careers” but I just don’t have enough time for that, so I cut it down to three and decided not to rule out the possibility that one of these idiots will be the breakout TV star of 2013. Then I also realized Joe Theismann and Matt Millen are here to stay for at least the rest of the football season, so I think that qualifies as a career.

As long as this piece of shit is still on TV, I don’t know why I would assume the next three won’t be.

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4 Things I Want To Do By 2011

Apparently New Year’s Eve has come and gone. From all accounts I was in New Paltz for two nights celebrating, but there is absolutely no way I could confirm or deny those statements. My calendar, on the other hand, is about as reliable as any other calendar and it tells me we’re now in the year 2010, which is pretty sweet. Only a few more years till hoverboards, Mastodon is probably gearing up to write another album which will leave my brains all over Roy’s walls, and from what I can gather, we still have two whole years before the planet implodes.

So, I felt it was appropriate to wait until about a week in to make my resolutions. I decided to whittle down the thousands and thousands of character flaws and gimmicks which have been holding me back from achieving massive amounts of success, fame and fortune and focus on five key things I want to be able to accomplish by the end of this year. Let’s get started!

1. I want to be able to play the ukulele better then this kid:

I’ve been putting some serious hours in on the ole’ six string recently, but if I’m going to complete resolution 2, I need to sharpen my uke skillz. This kid has the right idea – just sittin’ around laughin’ and bustin’ out some chords and singing whatever he’s singing. If you double click and read the info, apparently he slipped a “Surfin’ USA” in there somewhere. That’s what ukulele is all about.

2. I want to record an album at least as labor intensive as The Wolf by Andrew W.K.

I was just alerted this morning that every track on Andrew W.K.’s incredibly underrated second album, The Wolf, has between 90 and 200 tracks all recorded by Andrew W.K. That is fucking impressive. Can I write the anthems of a generation as poignantly as Mr. W.K.? Probably not. But can I throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see what sticks? Definitely. Then can I take said sticky shit and overwork it like an even more obsessive Axl Rose? Absolutely.

3. I don’t want to look like this at any point in 2010:

Unless Ralph Macchio just thrashed me in a tournament, there is no reason I should be asleep at a party. Especially if I went so far out of my way to dress up and look presentable. If I were smoking bongs at Roy’s place all night, it’s one thing. But to show up to a kegger dressed to the nine’s just to fall asleep – that’s simply unjustifiable.

4. I want to somehow be able to make whoever accidentally lands on this site a) actually want to read some of the bullshit on it and b) get the jokes.

A lot of people visit the site via random Google Image searches. That rocks. The problem is that once they right click and save their image as (I know Mac users, a two buttoned mouse is so 1998, AMIRITE? Trendy douchebags.). Where was I? These parenthetical asides always knock me for a loop – maybe my fifth resolution should be to make them shorter and funnier. Oh right, no one visits the site or seems to get the jokes. Well I honestly don’t see how I can change either of those things, so let me link you to two comments from 2009 that really really missed the boat. Numer 1. Number 2.

I recently received a letter from DJ that urged me to go check out the video “Remember The Time” by the late-great Michael Jackson. Back in 6th grade I was really into Egypt. I’m not sure why. I guess I just like middle-eastern countries and wonders of the world. So, anyway, as I’m sure you know, when you get interested in something in 6th grade you end up getting an encyclopedic knowledge of it. Kids are just much better at devouring trivia. That’s why we all still know all the words to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” and Sugar Ray’s “Every Morning” (we do all know those words, right?). Like I was saying, I know pretty much everything there is to know about Egyptian culture….or so I thought! Here are five things I learned about Egyptian history from the “Remember The Time” music video:

5- Michael Jackson Is A Scholar On The Subject

Yes, I knew that Jackson was a fairly decent dancer, a brilliant mathematician and a crack-shot rifleman, but I did not know he was an Egyptian scholar. After watching this 9 plus minute video, I am CONVINCED that Michael knew everything I know about Egypt and much, much more. The first thing you notice in the video is how accurate the architecture is; let’s do a compare/ contrast.

Here’s a screen-shot from Michael’s video:

And (since they didn’t have cameras back then) here’s a screen-shot from the movie “Ten Commandments” (which must be accurate because it’s religious):

Obviously both films are working from the same historically accurate information (or stereotypes).

Jackson didn’t just do his homework on the architecture of the room, he also must have done massive research on his casting. When casting Ramesses The Great, Michael went with funny man Eddie Murphy. Perfect!

4- Egyptians Have Developed Lighter Colored Skin Since

I didn’t release this, but if Michael Jackson did it, it must be true. The “Remember The Time” video is littered with African American superstars. Namely, Michael Jackson, but also Eddie Murphy. And then how about David Bowie’s wife, Iman. More like Ihottie! Am I right? How about someone for those guys who don’t like music, comedy and girls? Bam, we’ve got Magic Johnson!! Then two more famous blacks guys I’ve never heard of: The Pharcyde and Tom “Tiny” Lister, Jr.

Well anyway, like I said, Michael must know Egypt a lot better than me, because I didn’t realize Egyptians were really that black. As I mentioned in the introduction to this piece, Egypt is a middle eastern country, though it is positioned on the tip of the African continent. I wonder why people can never cast Egyptians correct. In the Rugrat’s Passover special the Egyptians are white and in this video they are all black. Why aren’t they ever Arabian like they really are?

Really the only person in the video who looks even remotely Egyptian is Michael (thanks to his skin ailment). Take a look at some real Egyptians. These are the two most famous, their President and their Miss:

3- Ancient Egypt Didn’t Have A Problem With Feminism

Have you noticed how much control the queen in the video has? Now my knowledge of Egyptian culture tells me that Ramesses’s wife is named Nefertari. Or at least that was his principle wife…in other words his favorite out of the other seven wives he had. But man, Iman is empowered in this video! While being fanned by slaves she says, “Oh Eddie Murphy, entertain me!” The pharaoh immediately works to satisfied 1/8th of his wives.

Devils sticks dancer? Not entertained. Fire breather? Not entertained. Michael Jackson…

2- Brendan Fraser Had Nothing To Do With Ancient Egypt

I could have swore he did.

I’m not even going to elaborate. I think Brendan Fraser is just laughable on his own.

1- Michael Jackson Was There

Here’s the real kicker. Michael Jackson doesn’t just know a ton of shit about Egypt through years of research. He knows it from first hand experience! Believe it. Meg just wrote a post about how apparently god-like Michael is, well it looks like she was right. Michael Jackson is the reincarnate form of some Egyptian king. Take a look at this statue and tell me you don’t see the resemblance:

My only conclusion: Once Michael gets done with the complicated process of getting to the Egyptian underworld he will unleash a swarm of pestilence across the globe, eradicating anyone who does not own the “Dangerous” album.

New Jack Swing will be appreciated.