Every viewing of the Back to the Future trilogy provides the audience with something new. I don’t think I need to go into much depth as to why Back to the Future is one of the greatest series of films ever put to the silver screen. The creation of Back to the Future was a watermark in the history of entertainment; they are nothing less than legendary. At the end of every single Back to the Future movie I cannot help but think “this is true art.”

Absolute Perfection.

The beauty of the movies is the plethora of questions, conundrums and paradoxes that they conjure. I just breezed through the first couple Back to the Futures this weekend and I noticed a couple things. First a quick one: What is going through Jennifer Parker’s head at the end of the first film? This is what we know about Jennifer Parker: 1) She is dating Marty McFly, 2) Though they are dating it can’t be too serious yet because Marty is so pumped just to get her grandmother’s phone number, 3) Jennifer and Marty plan on going to “the lake” soon…and I think it’s safe to assume that they are so excited about this because it will be their first time sleeping together…don’t tell me that no one else thought that was implied.

So, that’s the little bit about Jennifer Parker that we hear early on in the movie, during the “exposition” if you will. Then everything else happens in the movie and we don’t see Jennifer Parker again until the end of the film, the “conclusion” if you will. Everything seems hunky dory; Jennifer and Marty are ready to “go to the lake” in Marty’s “new car.” Wait, wait, wait!!! BAM!!! The Back to the Future guys are already sure they are making a sequel!!! Doc Brown pulls up in the new DeLorean and has news to tell the young virgin Jennifer Parker.  He so discretely announces: YOU TWO GET MARRIED AND THEN SOMETHING GETS FUCKED UP!!! QUICK HOP INSIDE MY FUTURE CAR AND LET’S GO ALTER THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM.” Doc Brown then added, “So you won’t be able to go to the lake yet.”  Then, looking towards Jennifer Parker, he says, “Hello, my name is Emmet Brown. I built this future car. Nice to meet you.”

Jennifer Parker has roughly eight seconds (while Doc Brown loads old beer and a banana into the future car) to think about what she has been told. Without much delay she loads herself into the future car with her future husband and heads off into the future. What, I ask, is Jennifer Parker thinking?

Feel free to respond with your own thoughts in the comments. For now I’ll go with my first instinct: Marty McFly is just that good-looking.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, THE MAIN EVENT!!!  Here are my top three times that a member of the Tannen family got covered in shit. Let the games begin!!! The third place prize goes to:

3) When Buford Tannen Gets Covered With Shit

By the time the audience reaches the last movie in the trilogy everyone is asking the same question, “How is a truck full of shit going to crash into Biff Tannen?” As you should know, the movie is set mostly in the Wild West, a place devoid of Biff Tannen. But lo and behold! Buford Tannen is Biff’s great-grandfather and he is also a dick and he also has a grudge against the McFly family. Parallelism!!! Let me fast forward, Buford Tannen eventually gets covered in shit. It is still a gratifying scene, but I have some problems with it. First, it’s not a truckload of shit. When I see a Tannen get covered in shit I like it to be a literal truckload of shit. I understand there are no trucks in the Wild West, but I would have also accepted a train full of shit crashing into Buford Tannen. Also, the shit that he gets covered in is too green. I like the 50′s style brown shit. It has much more of a “classic shit” appeal.

My qualms aside, it is still a terrific scene. Getting completely covered in shit is such a horrible fate. No one ever wants to get covered in shit. I don’t know what you do after you get covered in shit. Well, I guess, shower. Showering is a good first step, but what then? You still always know that you have been covered in shit at some point. Shit, something that another being has deemed useless and smelly, now covers your entire body. Think about that.

2) When Biff Tannen Gets Covered With Shit Again

My second favorite time a Tannen gets covered with shit is in Back to the Future Part II. After unsuccessfully chasing down a hover-boarding Marty, Biff crashes right into a huge truck full of shit!!! Ha ha ha!!! Perfect!!! Biff really deserved it too. He had this great, powerful, villainous, Ford sports car and he had a good quarter mile to catch up with Marty, who is foot-pumping a floating skateboard. Of course, Biff fails and then comes the shit. The beauty of this scene is that Biff’s car gets covered in shit….RIGHT AFTER HE GOT IT BACK FROM THE SHOP THAT CLEANED THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!!

Shakespeare himself could not write that kind of irony.

1) When Biff Tannen First Gets Covered With Shit

Yes, of course, the big winner. My favorite time that a Tannen gets covered with shit is the first time that Biff Tannen gets covered with shit. A terrific scene. Marty stands up to the Biff crew, thereby sparing his father a lifetime of shame, and then invents skateboarding. The chase ends with Biff careening into a massive truck full of shit. Hilarious. Some of Biff’s goons could have easily died. Imagine getting covered in so much shit that you died? Not even metaphoric shit. Not an end-of-the-semester “Oh, I have so much shit to get through.” No, literally buried in shit. I wonder what Biff would say if you told him that in just a week or so he would be getting covered in shit again. I think I know what he would say. He’d say what he’ll eventually say, “I HATE MANUREEEE.”

Let me ask you this, reader: How many times per year does an American get covered with shit by surprise?
I’ll explain those stipulations. I say American because, let’s be honest, for all I know those other countries are jumping around in shit all day. Next point: they have to be completely covered. Getting a bird crap splatter does not count. If a flock of birds unleash a hailstorm of shit that leaves you immobile, that would count. You have to be completely covered, so that only your head and shoulders reach the surface. Lastly, it has to be by surprise. Maybe there is some job out there that involves shit-swimming. That wouldn’t count. It must be a surprise and/or accidental shit burial.

I’ll go through some other memorable times people have been covered with shit on film (all of these don’t fit my criteria above):
8 Crazy Nights: One of the characters gets covered in shit from a port-a-potty, thus creating a “Poopsicle”.- Disqualified because it is animated and unrealistic.
Slumdog Millionaire: The kid falls into shit in the beginning.- Disqualified because it is not in America.
Shawshank Redemption: Andy Dufresne crawls through shit to his freedom. -Disqualified because it was not an accident or surprise…Andy planned to crawl through that freedom shit.

I can’t really think of any other instances. Maybe the guys from Jackass jumped in shit once; I can see that happening. I asked DJ this question and he guessed 150 or something per year. I figured 30-40? But, I’m thinking about it now and even 30-40 times per year seems high. I can’t think of a situation aside from falling into a cesspool somehow. Also nowadays we don’t have those troublesome shit-trucks that Biff kept running into.

I’ll leave the voting up to America. We got to vote for “Dancing With the Stars” and we got to vote to decide if Jon and Kate would get divorced, so why not just vote on a statistic:

[poll id="10"]

Welcome home,

Hey you! Glad to see you made it back. Crazy weekend right? Ha, yeah, good one. Me? I actually went up to New Paltz. Yeah. Pretty cool. Well I took the bus, then DJ came up too and we drove back yesterday. Good times. How about you? Really? This entire time you’ve been waiting for my next blog post? Oh shit, I’m sorry about that, I had no idea. The banner? Well, yeah, of course, I realize. I know. Yes, I know what it means. Well, we have a different definition of “daily” here, so why don’t you chill out. Listen I’m giving you the blog right now, shut up:

As many of you know I am an excellent writer and a really terrific literary analyst. Exhibit A: this blog. What some people are failing to realize, however,  is (unlike most worker-bee drones) I know how to separate work and play. Just because I am a truly extrodinary master of letters does not mean I have imbued my daily life with literary jibber-jab.  The reason I bring this up is because many people (fans) have been complimenting me on the brilliant literary devices I have been adding to my Facebook pictures.

Let me make myself clear: I am NOT purposefully posting photographs with figurative meanings, symbolic readings or any sort of metaphoric level.

Again:  Any pictures of me that are floating around the web are just that, floating pictures. Please stop reading into these pictures and coming up with absurd conclusions about my personal life.

I understand that some of you A) have not been assuming all pictures of me have metaphoric meanings, B) are not even friends with me on Facebook, or C) are not even 100% sure who I am, but I still want to make things crystal clear for those of you who have been berating me with these slanderous e-mails.

Here are some of the pictures that have been garnering the most poppycock:

The Precipice

People see this picture and seem to think I am trying to represent some type of interior conflict. My figure stands looking off into the distance longingly, balanced precariously between a higher and lower body of water.  Yes, I understand this picture was taken in the Spring (a time of rebirth) and that there were many new changes on my horizon. Just for example, DJ would be moving out of New Paltz and we would no longer be living together. Sure, that was a big change, but was it something I was mulling over at this point? No, it wasn’t. I was just enjoying a hike in the woods.

The Sojourn

Here’s another picture that has gotten too much uncalled-for interpretation. It’s a picture of DJ and I walking down a path into a distant, dark brush. Now some people have been hassling me; they seem to think this picture is some metaphor for DJ and I traveling down the road of life: spending time together as two good friends, striding side-by-side with feelings of glee and jollity. These same critics will then make some kind of argument like, “the dark woods you’re approaching represent your encroaching separation and the unknown future that you must both now confront.” That is, of course, completely off base. Again, we are just going on a hike here. I think we were talking about cool it would be to stage a sword-fight battle on that open terrain. We were not meditating on what the future held.

The Hermit

People look at this picture and then immediately turn to me and say, “Roy, why are you trying to shield yourself from the truth?” I then turn to these people, wide-eyed, and say, “What in the Lord’s name are you talking about?” To which these people reply, “Roy, the metaphors couldn’t be more easily presented. You have constructed a fairly exact model of DJ’s skull and wore it over your head. The fear of losing DJ has blinded you to the future and you are now stuck in a stagnant pool of indecision. Your life feels void and you don’t know which direction to turn.” I’m usually stunned at this point and can only insist, “No, that’s not it at all…this was just me walking around campus… I found that on top of pile of trash…”

But no one ever wants to here my logical explanations, they just like the flash and glam of their meandering hypotheses.

The Trials

Finally, people have found this picture of me in my new apartment to be quite symbolic. Why do people seem to think that my half-grown moustache, half-lit room and half-drank cream ale are depressing images? Again the metaphoric interpretations abound when people see this picture. The new apartment symbolizes my new life; I feebely attempt to find a comfort as I reassemble the “puzzle” of my exsistence. The loneliness of not living with DJ is slowing eating me alive from the inside out. That’s not it at all!! I’m having tons of fun in this picture, can’t you see that?! I don’t even mind that I won’t be living with DJ this fall!! Knock it off!! Yes, I’m listening to Mastodon right now, but not just because it reminds me of DJ!!

I’m not crying!! Close the door!! Let me work on my puzzle!! I’m not crying!!!

It’s summer, the good broadcast shows are off for a few months and unless you truly get enjoyment out of re-runs of the Simpsons, you’re probably watching cable. Well, lucky for us Spike, the network for men’s men, has lasted as long as it has as a channel. The geniuses who brought you Motor Madness and Striperella have finally come up with a show that doesn’t make you want to gauge out your eyes with that appendage which makes us men (thumbs… I’m using the term “man” classically – apparently 45% of Spike’s viewers are female.)

Deadliest Warrior is a great premise completed with OK production. If you haven’t seen it before, they basically take two historical badasses, test their weapons for effectiveness and simulate a highly improbable fight between them. For instance, during a marathon of carnage last week, I saw a knight fall at the hands of a pirate, a Spartan bend over and rape a ninja and the IRA totally outdrink the Taliban. Obviously, the forum for who can fight who is wide open (William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu? Gimme a break.) So, we here at Smartass Labs have decided to run a few of our own Deadliest Warrior tests based mostly on fictional hardasses. Here are the three worth recounting:

John McClain vs. John Rambo

This one’s going to be a doozy (fuck me). John Rambo is my all-time favorite movie character ever and I still watch First Blood, First Blood Part 2: The Oxymoron and Rambo. III really doesn’t do it for me and I think most fans can agree. However, shortly after my introduction to Sly’s best character – eat my ass Balboa – I was introduced, by way of Frank, to John McClain and his barefoot terrorist bashing. So, let’s take a look at each man’s weapons:

For close combat Rambo’s bringing his signature bowie knife/machete and McClain will be wielding his police-issued Beretta. Right off the bat, I’m gonna give this one to Rambo. A handgun’s nice, but we’ve all seen Rambo and we all know a 9 mm gun cannot chop someone’s fucking head off. Plus, the gun has one use – the knife can be used in a hundred different ways. It is to Rambo what the whip is to Indiana Jones (who might be fighting Han Solo later on…).

For long range, McClain will be dishing out some punishment with any number of automatic weapons stolen from terrorists nearby. Rambo will be packing the exploding bow and arrow which he used in the second movie to avenge the death of his Asian call-girl. That guy blew up. However, McClain actually cut off a motherfucker at the knees with that machine gun in the first movie and he managed to kill the bad guys before they offed his bitch. Point: McClain.

Now, what they never show you in Deadliest Warrior is how they pick the fight scene. John McClain shows his ability to adapt to his environment in every movie. He really does kick ass anywhere he needs to, but they all tend to be in cities. Therefore, I again give the edge to Rambo. He proved in a single movie that he can fight hundreds of police (not unlike McClain) in the woods of Oregon (or Aragon as us LoTR fans like to say) and still go back into town and just blow everything the fuck up.

Our computer tried to run 1,000 simulations of the test, but my copy of Rambo III got angry that I slighted it earlier in the post and my hard-drive exploded. Win: Rambo, John J. Also, I like posting this clip.

Death Row vs. Bad Boy (West Coast, East Coast)

Now that the computers are back up and running (I have a backup this time). Let’s take a look at one of pop culture’s longest non-battles. Sure Tupac and Biggie exchanged words in a couple of songs. And, yeah, maybe both are now dead because of it, but what Deadliest Warrior is about is getting them down on the street slugging it out. I’m going to approach this one in a slightly different way than Rambo v. McClain. Instead of weapons, I want to analyze other factors: taunting ability, actual criminal records and post-1997 success. This is also our first time dealing with two groups instead of individuals. On the West Coast side: 2pac, Suge Knight, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and MC Hammer – the classic Death Row line-up. For the East Coast, we’re going Bad Boy, of course: Diddy, B.I.G., Mase, 112 and Faith Evans.

Taunting Ability:
Well, the East Coast started this whole mess when Tim Dog released “Fuck Compton,” but he’s not in on this fight because of his shitty name. The West Coast response? “Fuck Wit Dre Day” the first real track on Dre’s first real solo album, “The Chronic.” I think it’s safe to say that one of the best parts of this song is Snoop Dogg’s tirade at the end where he just lists people who “can suck a big fat dick.” Many of rap’s detractors cite their inability to understand the lyrics because they’re too fast (I’m looking at you, Alabama), but in his weird southern drawl, Snoop makes it perfectly clear who exactly he wants to suck a big fat dick.

Following that Tupac and Biggie exchanged the following lines:

Who shot me? But ya punks didn’t finish, Now ya ‘bout to feel the wrath of a menace… Nigga, I hit ‘em up. – 2pac

Who shot Ya? Separate the weak from the obsolete, hard to creep them Brooklyn streets. – Biggie

Both equally weak. However, Tupac is technically from NY, so fuck the East Coast – Death Row hands down.

Actual Criminal Record:
West Coast: Snoop was accused and acquitted of murder, 2pac did time for killing someone (right?), Suge Knight is probably in jail right now, and MC Hammer deserves to be.
East Coast: Was Diddy ever late on his taxes?
Winner: West Coast

1989 Steven Seagal vs. 2009 Steven Seagal

This match-up is something I’ve been waiting to see for a long time. Here I’m going to base my analysis purely on the pictures above. I really don’t know much about Mr. Seagal, except that in 1989 he loved kicking ass in horrible movies. It’s recently come to my attention that in 2009 he likes kicking ass by making horrible music.  Frankly, I think 1989 Seagal wouldn’t be able to handle the aural assault brought on by the thumb-strumming blues explosion Steven currently calls his live performances. I mean… look at that – it looks like he awkwardly wandered into a music store and picked up “one that looked like Jimi Hendrix’s” and did little more than fuck around with the open strings:

“Hey, Mike – check it out (Steven continues to play an out of tune, out of time version of “Smoke on the Water”). Fuckin’ Deep Purple! You think I should buy it?”
“No.”
“I think I’m gonna buy it.”

Winner: 2009 Steven Seagal.

Hello everyone, welcome to my website SmartassRadio.com. I don’t really care for the name, but now that DJ has moved on to his real job and left me to manage the entire site by myself, I guess I have to stick with it. So, as the banner above promises, we (me) here at SmartassRadio provide you readers with a new blog everyday. Now today DJ was going to put one up, but low and behold it is 10:23PM, there is no new blog and DJ is almost certainly asleep. Well DJ you know what they say, YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE. Thankfully, I am here to put up a blog myself (hooray!!!). Right now I only have an hour and 35 minutes before the deadline. Can I do it? Of course I can!!! Will it be worth reading? Better than nothing!!!

Now what can I write about in such a rush. My instinct is telling me Megan Fox. No, no, she deserves better than an hour and 34 minutes worth of minimal workmanship. Let’s see what is going on around me…the Stanley Cup finals are on…what could I write about that. I guess I could talk about how little I care about the Stanley Cup finals….not very funny. I applied to Toys R Us the other day. That’s really a joke in itself. Unfortunately for all our future blogs, I won’t be taking the job, even if I get it. I found a much better job: babysitting. I know, I know, hold your tongues. Babysitting does sound like a pretty lame/gay/not real job. But listen to this: $10/hour off the books, 5+ hour stints, 4+ days a week. I’ve got some money saved up from the semester and that will more than cover my expenses for the summer. Plus all I have to do is play board games, watch television and get beat up by children and a dog (hooray!!!).

Wow, sorry for turning this blog in a “Dear Diary” for a moment. Again I’ll remind you that I was not planning on writing a blog today. I was going to read a bit and work on writing an abstract for a conference paper, but someone (DJ) dropped the ball. Alright, so what can I write about. Oh, I know I’ll write about how hot Megan F–no, no I already went through that. What else is around the room….my laptop…the rug….Sun Chips….that’s it!!! Sun Chips!!! Now I just need to find something interesting or funny or noteworthy about these Sun Chips. *Crunch* Hmm, they taste delicious. How long could I write about how good Sun Chips taste. Maybe two paragraphs. Eleven if I’m drunk….but I’m not drunk. What else can I say. OK, these are called “Harvest Chedder” flavor. Mhmm…that’s not an actual thing….Perfect!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, with an hour and 26 minutes to go, here are four Sun Chip’s flavors that don’t make sense:

1) Harvest Cheddar
If Doritos were made out of edible materials they would be Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips. An absolutely delicious chip, but one that is not based on anything real. I’m not going to drag you through my meandering thoughts; let’s fast-forward to the conclusion: Sun Chips are trying to be the new “Healthy,” “Organic,” “Green” chip and, consequently, they have added unnecessary words to their flavors. What is this chip’s flavor: Cheddar. C-H-E-double D-A-R..  Just cheddar. People do not only harvest cheese in the autumn. It is a year around product, that’s why you can eat Cheddar Sun Chips on Christmas Eve or Memorial Day. What is the difference between Cheddar and Harvest Cheddar? Why don’t we let Google Images decide:

Here’s the first image for “Cheddar”:

Here’s the first image for “Harvest Cheddar”:

Case closed.

2) Garden Salsa
Same story. What is salsa? A disgusting junk food eaten by illegal immigrants most likely, either that or stoner losers who wet the bed. Standard stereotyping. What is garden salsa? Well, that is a delightful treat that environmentalists sustainably snack on while planting cherry tomatoes and baby corn. Of course, when I do another google image search, this time for “Garden Salsa,” the first picture is of a bag of Sun Chips. That’s because “Garden Salsa” doesn’t actually exist. What could it mean? More vegetables than typical Salsa? Or does it mean they include dirt, mud and earthworms in the recipe? Salsa is made from three things: tomatoes, peppers and onions. Why would you ever want to add more than that? Three vegetables and you’ve got it covered. I’ve never had the “Garden Salsa” Sun Chips, but I assume there are chunks of lettuce and bugs inside each bag.

3) French Onion
OK, clearly Sun Chips are not the only chip brand that produces a “French Onion” flavor, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to think about what that means. French Onion is a soup. Everyone can agree on that right? I’ve had some French Onion soup and I understand what it tastes like. It tastes like liquid onion, dissolving bread and a chunky, hot cheese lid.  French Onion chips do not taste like that. Furthermore, France does not produce a lot of onions. BOOM, SCIENCE:

You can’t see, but all the onions are made in China and India…not France

4) Peppercorn Ranch
What the fuck does “Peppercorn Ranch” mean? I guess first you need to know what Peppercorn means. I figured it must be some exotic spice. Some kind of Dr.Seuss-like dreamy fern. Nope. Peppercorn is another name for Pepper. Just typical pepper. So, these are just normal Ranch flavored chips with a dash of pepper? Is adding Pepper to a chip such a weird thing? I would imagine several chips include pepper in their list of ingredients. Here are some acceptable uses of the term “Peppercorn Ranch”:

www.peppercornranch.com (real)

As for Sun Chips, just another clever advertising name change.

Now would you believe that is all the flavors of Sun Chips? It is! The only other one is “Original.” Sun Chips have been around since 1991 and I’m sure they’ve changed a part of the recipe since then, so I will assume that the term “Original” is also a misnomer.

Hi there Kim Jong Un! I’m so glad you were able to find this blog post. I’m sure your father, Kim Jong Il, a self-proclaimed master of the internet, was the one who turned you on to this post. I hope this reaches you in good health. Now, the reason I’m writing this post is because I’ve just recently heard that it looks like you will be your father’s successor as the ruler of North Korea. Imagine that! So, weird that first your grandfather, then your dad and now you all get to be the rulers of your country. Wacky stuff! Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a few pointers before you were officially made into a god among men.

KIM JONG UN AND KIM JONG IL DO NOT READ THIS PARAGRAPH, SKIP AHEAD TO THE NEXT ONE PLEASE. THANK YOU.
Hello everyone else, listen you are probably a little confused about what I’m doing here. To put it simply: I’m saving your ass. You’ve all heard about North Korean and how they have all those nuclear weapons and all. Not the best news. Well listen, what you might not know is that Kim Jong Il is a certified nutcase. I mean like, perhaps the most outrageous crazy person on the planet. I’m hoping that he’s so crazy that he would never even be able to use these nuclear killing machines. But in order to insure that, I have to make sure his son is just as crazy, preferably even crazier. I want Kim Jong Un to be such a lunatic that he won’t be able to do diddly-squat.

OK KIM JONG UN AND IL YOU CAN START READING AGAIN.
Hi there Kim Jong Un! Glad to have you back. So anyway, one day you are going to be the leader of your country, but are you sure you can fill your dad’s shoes? I think you have what it takes, but just to be safe I’ve outlined a few tips here to make sure you get everything just right! Yay!

1) You need great ideas.
Kim Jr your dad had some great ideas. For example, your old man wanted to solve Korea’s famines by breeding giant bunny rabbits. Giant bunny rabbits don’t exist you say? Oh, Kim Jr…Kim Jr…you are so naive. Of course they do! Some guy in Germany breeds them and they are way, way bigger than normal bunny rabbits! And you know what that means: more meat! And you know what that means: more bunny meat food! That’s right. One of these giant bunny rabbits provides 15 POUNDS of edible product!!! You read that correct: 15 POUNDS!!! Compare that to the meager 725 pounds of meat you get from a standard cattle cow and I think you can see just how smart your daddy is. Also, it only takes much, much more vegetables and rabbit food to grow these giant bunnies, so no problem. When you are leader of North Korea make sure you devote a lot of time to coming up with terrific ideas like this. Definitely focus on doing that and not blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

2) Get really good at one sport.
Kim Jr I’m sure you have heard this over a Thanksgiving dinner many a time, but your father is the greatest golfer in world history. That’s right! In fact the first time your Dad ever played golf, the very first time when he went out on a North Korean golf course with only his closest bodyguards and no cameras or outsiders, that very first time he golfed he scored 38 below par AND got a hole-in-one 11 times!!! That is a world record score!!! Can you believe it! Well you better because every single one of your dad’s bodyguards said it was truth and just to prove that he is the best, your dad has promised to never play another game of golf in his life.
Now Kim Jr you are clearly never going to be better than your dad at golf, but how about you just pick another sport. Let’s say…darts. Do you think you can 300 bull’s eyes in a row? I bet your Dad could. How about you try to do that when you get “elected” leader of North Korea. You should focus on doing that for sure, much cooler than blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

3) Support the arts.
Kim Jr do you know how much your papa liked the arts? Answer: a ton. Kim Jong Il likes movies so much that he has actually written books on it. He claims to own over 20,000 movies (some of his favorites being James Bond, Rambo and anything with Elizabeth Taylor). At some point he decided he liked movies so much that he wanted to make one in North Korean, but as luck would have it he didn’t have a good director or actress. No problem! He just kidnapped two from South Korea. Really. In the late 70′s he kidnapped Shin Sang-ok, a director; and Shin’s ex-wife, Choi Eun-hee a popular actress. He made them help produce a pro-communist, Godzilla-esque movie called “Pulgasari.” Eventually the two escaped and sought political asylum in America. Shin did go on to make some films in the United States too. One of which you may have heard of: “3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain” starring Hulk Hogan. Again, that is true.
So, Kim Jr once again you have some pretty tremendous shoes to fill. Are you ready and willing to be so dedicating to bettering the arts in your country? I hope so. I heard there are tons of great experimental musicals hanging around Union square and Williamsburg in NYC. Maybe you can kidnap some of them and have them make a rock opera for you. It’s a tad bit illegal, but still a much better task to focus on when compared to blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

4) Have some standards.
Kim Jr if you are going to be like your pop you are going to need to set some standards for yourself. You are going to be the ruler of a Communist country and you know what that means: you need to live much more extravagantly than the starving proletariat. Your dad has a team of women inspect his rice to make sure every grain is of uniform size, color and plumpness*. He has $20 million dollars worth of Mercedes shipped in, drinks $200,000 worth of Hennessy a year and imports the finest Swedish prostitutes**. Again Kim Jr, I ask you….are you ready to live that kind of lifestyle? I sure hope so, because I imagine keeping up with that lifestyle takes a lot of time and energy. I need you focusing all your time and energy on living like Lux Luther and not blowing up California with nuclear weapons.

*Also your father refuses to fly on planes so instead he takes an armored train everywhere he goes and when he gets hungry on said train he has fresh lobsters flown into the moving locomotive. I figured I would throw that in there.

**Oh, also your dad injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young. Clearly a reasonable idea.

5) Teamwork.
Teamwork,. Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Remember that word Kim Jr, because it is a value you need to learn. You know your Dad knew how to be a team-player! Example number one: Kim Jong Il hates short people (and is 5’3′’), so he has filled the government with only tall people and in the past has exported short North Koreans to inhabitable islands so they can no longer infest the gene pool. TEAMWORK!. Kim Jong Il was once addicted to cigarettes. His doctor told him he would have to stop, so Mr. Il made the entire country stop too. If you were caught smoking the government would kill your family. TEAMWORK! Mr. Jong once had to take painkillers for an injury. He didn’t want to get addicted to them, so he made a bunch of his staff members also take the painkillers. He figured if he was going to get addicted, all his friends would too. TEAMWORK! Mr. Kim had his former elementary school blown up because the school had begun teaching ordinary children, not just the children of high-up government officials. He thought that would give the simpletons too much of a competitive edge. So he blew up the entire building. TEAMWORK!
As for you Kim Jong Un, do not blow up California with nuclear weapons.

6) Always tell the truth.
Most importantly Kim Jr, you need to remember to always tell the truth. If your dad didn’t always tell the truth how would the world have ever found out he was the greatest golfer who ever lived? It is so especially important for your daddio to tell the truth because pretty much all the textbooks in North Korean are focused on him. If you really want to learn about your daddy maybe you should pick up one of these textbooks and read through it a bit. I bet you will learn things that you would have never known by actually observing what your dad does. For example: did you know that when your father was born (in February) it suddenly became Spring and several rainbows appeared in the sky? Totally true. Also, did you know that your father does not produce urine or shit? That’s right, your old-man does not defecate at all. Pretty cool stuff. So, I guess, along with learning to always tell the truth, you should figure out how to no longer take a dump. More specifically, learn how to never take a nuclear dump on California.

There is a ton of evidence finally being associated with me and it’s high time we acknowledge it. I’m finally being accepted as a straight twenty-something guy. In the four years since I’ve left High School, I have  let H&M, my fragile bones and my love for colors allow me to appear like a homosexual. While, I don’t have anything against gay men, I think it’s important for people to realize I am not one.

Let’s take a look at my progression from “fashion forward” to “don’t touch me or I’ll have DJ knock your teeth out.”

Here’s the earliest picture of me on Facebook:

Look at this guy! Just in some typical lounge wear, you know straightened hair, a painted American Apparel track jacket, patched jeans. I’m not trying at all! What? You want to make out and listen to some indie British bands? Well OK!

See the rest of the fellas on the runaway after the jump…

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There is a ton of evidence stacking up against me and it’s high time I acknowledge it. I’m becoming a piece of white trash human garbage. In the four years since I’ve left High School, I have absolutely let the semi-freedom of college destroy me as a person. While, I’m very comfortable with the latest incarnation of me, I think it’s important to look back at where I came from.

Here’s the earliest picture of me on Facebook:

Look at this sweet boy with his girlfriend enjoying a delicious lollipop after a day at the mall. Oh, look he has a Metallica cap on. You bought it where? Hot Topic? Precious.

I dare you to follow the jump and keep reading.

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