I participated in an Egg Hunt today (not that kind of egg hunt unfortunately) and was very dissatisfied when I found that I had only come away with 14 pounds of jelly beans. I put a lot of elbows into a lot of children’s faces to get those eggs, I was expecting much better loot. There are millions of things that can fit inside the space of a tiny plastic egg. Here are 69 alternatives:

1- A winning raffle ticket
2- A condom
3- A business card for a good masseuse
4- A skittle
5- A piece of hockey puck
6- A lucky penny
7- A stegosaurus sticker
8- A mosquito stuck in sap containing stegosaurus DNA
9- A newfound faith in the resurrected Christ
10- A drum key

The remaining fifty-nine possibilities after the jump…

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So Madonna is planning to adopt another kid from Malawi. Unbelievable! If anyone needs a little TLC it’s Uncle Chachi. I mean Christ, it’s not like these kids are dodging bullets or eating out of dumpsters on a daily basis. If I have my facts straight, their whole life is one huge game of intramural soccer. Anyway, if you’re reading this Madonna, here are the top ten reasons you should select to adopt me, the Baron Von Chachska, instead of another boring Malawi snoozefest:

1. The water in Africa is cleaner than the water in Philadelphia. While Simba erotically washes Nala in majestic jungle streams, I am forced shower in my neighbor’s fecal matter on a daily basis.
2. I’m a way bigger fan of yours than any Malawian child. I rocked “Dress You Up In My Love” so hard that I was voted junior prom queen in the seventh grade.
3. I smell worse than the entire nation of Malawi. I’m sure the African child of your choice doesn’t exactly carry the scent of freshly picked petunias, but I make the homeless smell like freshly squeezed lemon.
4. I only pick my nose sometimes.
5. I appreciate the “Ray of Light” music video in ways they will never understand.
6. My breakfast talents cannot be matched. Go ahead and choose another African kid. Hope you fancy burnt eggs with a side steel toast. Bon Appetite!
7. I don’t eat bugs
8. I’m vaccinated. Wouldn’t want the princess of pop catching polio would we?
9. I hear there’s a promo poster for Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels hanging in the Malawi embassy. Fuck Guy Ritchie!
10. I do a great Jack Nicholson impersonation. Oh and I’m sure your Malawi wonder boy does a kiler Brando…

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Try as I might, I haven’t been able to teach the Chach-meister to write a proper introduction to his posts. So I’m doing it for him:

I’m a die hard Trident guy. Always have been and always will be. You know why? They have three flavors (with a few twists and limited editions) and they all rock – original, peppermint and cinnamon. I know exactly what I’m getting with each one – two cold, one hot and they can all be chewed for the duration of an eight hour shift at whatever dead-end job I’m working.

In recent years the candy market has seen a flood of new gums – 5, Eclipse (in regular and Big E pack form), and perhaps most notoriously, Orbit. Orbit is basically the hipster answer to Trident. It has similarly shaped sticks and the packaging is pretty close in nature (open a flap to reveal gum). Orbit has a problem classic Trident doesn’t have: too many damn flavors. Did you know Sangria Fresca, Strawberry Mint, Maui Melon Mint, Crystal Mint (tastes like Gelfling essence), and fucking Clove are all actual flavors of Orbit? I didn’t, partly because I don’t care and mostly because I’m a man of principle. If I throw a stick of gum in my mouth it better damn well make my breath fresh and cool as a mountain breeze, not give me sugar mouth and cause me to vomit uncontrollably.

For those that don’t know, Chachi lives in a ghetto in Philly. Ghettos and colleges are where all the experiments go down – crack and AIDS in the ghetto, sugar free Redbull and HPV vaccines at colleges. Both are testing grounds for Orbit gum. Chachi grabbed five awful flavors from Philly and I grabbed five awful flavors from New Paltz. I’ll let Chacherino take it from here…

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Nothing has ever made me want to buy a Vanilla Ice album more. Rob Van Winkle, you are really turning this thing around. Please continue to let Virgin Mobile tell you what to do, they clearly have a better idea than you do.

This ad got me thinking about other artists I would like an apology from and why.

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As many of you have probably already heard, Chris Brown has given a whole new meaning to Rihanna’s hit single “S.O.S.” Unfortunately, no one at the scene allowed Rihanna to stand under their umbrella while Brown inflicted a thunderstorm of a beating. Allow me to be clear. I, the Chachanooga, am crestfallen that someone has hindered production of whatever new song will rule my every brainwave for the next 9-12 months. In fact, the track “Please Don’t Stop the Music” was based off a piece of fan-mail composed by mois. However in terms of career moves, Chris Brown has hit the nail on the head. Here are five reasons why Brown’s refusal to “Shut Up and Drive” was the best idea ever:

2009: The year of the Douche (it’s a Ne-Yo joke, get it?)

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I’m a miserable human being. Each day feels a rape by samurai sword. I feel I can no longer express myself fully through ironic black t-shirts. Taproot’s latest CD isn’t selling very well. Chinese Democracy has lost a lot of its appeal for me. My current living situation with Roy is actually a little worse than what I expect hell to be like. My radio show is completely mediocre. I’ve had a cold for like 5 days. Basically, my life is over.

I just can’t take it anymore and have made the ultimate decision – to take my own life. This may come as a shock to some, but I feel it’s really the best course of action for myself and those around me. However, this has proven to be a lot more difficult than I originally planned. Lucky for me, Roy has been there every step of the way taking pictures.

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Wow! Long time, no see! Right? Am I Right? (Rhetorical).
Hope everyone had a great weekend, I know I did. What was particularly fun about my days off was the amount of psychotherapy I was able to fit in. Most weekends I literally get  ZERO psychotherapy done, but this weekend I was able to get a whole bunch. Truth be told, I think I’ve come to a breakthrough. My therapist has diagnosed me with multiple-personality disorder. Boring right? (Rhetorical). I thought the same thing, until she explained further: I don’t just have two or three personalities. I have twelve…and they each correspond to one of the playable characters from the original Super Smash Bros. video game for Nintendo 64.

Which personality to choose…

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