We don’t have much to be proud of at smartassradio.com: we have a horrendously designed site, no motivation to update it, and I’ve done nothing but lose money over the course of it’s lifetime on the Internet. Most disappointingly, no one looks at smartassradio.com. But today we finally have some site statistics that make me smile. Is my SEO work paying off? No. Did I finally get that long lost AdSense check? Nope. Are more people listening to the podcast? A resounding ‘fuck no’. Nay, today isn’t about accomplishing goals. It’s about the absurd search terms that brought a handful of people to the site this morning.

Behold:

This is a list of search terms that brought people to the site today.

best looking pussy – 4 views
fighting irish – 3 views
carmen electra no clothes – 2 views
best looking vagina – 2 views
urkel – 2 views
egyptian girls – 2 views
cheddar – 2 views
fighting – 2 views
irish – 2 views

That’s a hell of a list.

Missed Connections are the most desperate, pathetic form of making contact with a potential sexual partner. “I saw you on the L train last Monday around 10 AM. I know you noticed me too, but I was too shy chickenshit to go up to you and strike up a conversation. So, here I am writing, more or less, to the idea of you, hoping that you’re as pathetic as I am. If you’re interested in meeting up reply to this anonymous email.”

There’s no way these ever work. MAYBE on a campus newspaper, but certainly not on the craigslist from a major city. I’m sure none of you remember Joel C. Marquette or even knew who he was to begin with. Click this link to refresh your memory and then follow me while I explore his trials and tribulations through the world of Missed Connections.

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I’m back.

For everyone not in the room: I said that over 15 annoying seconds. DJ and I have been bitching to ourselves while doing impressions of californians for a long time, “Hey dude, let’s get down to business and write some fucking blogs, right?” We never did. For like a year. That’s tremendously unimpressive. But, look we’re back. Let me see those hands. Let bygones be bygones. DJ has a bunch of posts planned out. I just read through them- funny shit.  I’m ready to write one of my own. I’ve been inspired.

I might as well start this like this, “You know what really grinds my gears?!” Pretty much the stupidest way to start something: with a complain. Something I complain about all the time. But, I won’t beat myself over it. After all, you do it to.  Hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!

Wouldn’t it be funny, I thought, if I went back to Smartass Radio dot com as if I had actually gone to college for English and Creative Writing? I mean I always write these blogs with one audience in mind: myself when I’m drunk off European wine and patting myself on the back . But, from the outside world, not really knowing me, wouldn’t I seem, I don’t know, oafish? Self-centered? Blogs that come to mind involve fake relations with Rihanna, Doritos and James Bond having a twitter. You don’t need links; it’s there if you want it.

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Hello dear readers,

I’m so sorry I have been gone so long. I just checked the stats and I have not updated since April 22nd, exactly one month ago. Why have I not updated in such a very long time? Well, there are several reasons, one of which is true: 1) I have been busy helping DJ design our new site layout, which should be released within the coming weeks 2) I have not had an internet connection or a working computer for several weeks and 3) It was the end of the semester and blogging will not take priority over school until DJ can start paying me.
But just because I haven’t been blogging doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about blogging. I have! Quite a bit actually. Look no further than my hilarious twitter account for proof of the wacky ideas I’ve been thinking. I’m such a loopy lad!

Well, on May 11th at precisely 7:50PM I let @SmartassRadio know that I would be writing a blog about Electabuzz and when I make a promise I keep it. So, after much ado, here is a blog entry that could possibly interest a very bored twelve year old a decade ago:

Hello, my name is Electabuzz and I’m an alcoholic.

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So, the first African American President of the Harvard Law Review caused quite a stir the other day. What the fuck was this asshat thinking? You don’t fly a 747 over a city which had its two biggest towers destroyed by passenger planes just seven and a half years ago. Apparently, Air Force One was out of commission and government officials needed to take pics of lower Manhattan. The plane was escorted by a pair of F-16s. The question isn’t why Barack Obama needed to be there instead of just letting the F-16s do all the work and not upset idiots in the city. No, the question here is do the British actually use the word “areoplane” over airplane?

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Dear Reader,

I’m still back on Long Island. I’m not going to lie, it has been a pretty nice time. The only trouble is the night life, for which there is none. The main reason for that is that all my friends are up in New Paltz and I’m down here. So, while my days are packed with delicious food and drum playing, my nights are left watching movies and updating the site while DJ drinks and ignores it. Below are five potential blog posts I could write. I’ve provided the first paragraph and then a brief mission statement for where I would go  with the post.  At the end of the post there is a poll. Read through the possibilities and then vote on your favorite. I’ll check the stats tomorrow night and complete the most popular selection.

Your Lonely Blog Writer,

Roy

Writing about how much I like this picture is a sixth blog possibility.

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Here’s a headline you would never click on: Nickelback Dominates Canada’s Juno Awards. Apparently, the Canadian Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences is completely void of anyone possessing taste or self respect. In doing research about the awards (here, here, and here), I have found absolutely no information about how these winners are determined, whether anyone cares, or if this finally means Nickelback will stop.

Really.

By the way, they also induct someone into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame every year. Let me give you an idea of what kind of company you’ll join if you can prove you live in Canada and write a mediocre album once:

• Bob Ezrin: the genius behind KISS’s Music From “The Elder”.
• Bob Rock: another producer named Bob. Also, produced the travesty that was Metallica’s St. Anger.
• Loverboy: “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend”
• Not Bachman-Turner Overdrive: They have to be the third most famous classic rock band from the land of Rush (inducted in 1994… 16 years after the Hall started) and The Guess Who (inducted in 1987… 7 years before Rush, easily the most deserving of any Canadian band).
• No One: That’s who was inducted in 1988.

Instead of really looking into these silly little awards, I’ll just make up a meeting held by the C.A.R.A.S., because I like doing that.

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