Hello everyone,

I have to say that I am very happy to be back writing for SmartassRadio. Writing these blogs is like keeping a diary and in a few weeks I’ll have a time capsule of my past couple weeks on the internet. Today I am going to try something that the late, great poet Frank O’Hara used to try. Frank O’Hara’s poems are pretty good in my opinion. He was a gay guy and would take the ferry over to Fire Island a lot. He would do things like write poems for a poetry reading on his ferry ride TO THAT VERY READING. In fact, the ferries that cross the Great South Bay aren’t very long. Pretty much like fourteen minutes only. Not a lot of time to get the creative juices pumping.

What I am striving for at the moment is something that is similar. I want to write a blog post in fourteen minutes. That is all the time I have right now, and frankly it is now or never. I’ll tell you right now that it is 4:49. Do you consider that fast marksmanship?

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How could I possibly follow up a title like that?

I can’t.

5 out of 5 randomly chosen symbols to denote excellence.

After leaving the job that actually pays for this site to exist last Thursday, I headed directly to Sayreville, NJ. When I parked my car I noticed two things: a dude with a mullet playing football with a dude wearing a leather vest and a massive pickup truck spray painted black and white camo. I had accidentally set the clock in my DeLorean to 1988. No biggie, though – I always pack extra plutonium. When the locals were finished asking me about the weird clothes I was wearing (a plastic bag and a massive sombrero) and the strange music I was listening to (Lady GaGa), the primative natives showed me the way to the nearest place of worship. It just so happened that at Starland Ballroom, guest reverend Nuno Bettencourt would be performing exorcisms and fretboard masturbation for all in a spectacular display of oxymoronicism.

So with the swagger of a pre-cancer Swayze, I made my way in to the venue. I made it just in time, too. I got a spot right next to a drunk version of this and on the opposite side of the stage from Nuno. Oh well, at least Pat Badger knows how to kick it on stage right. They opened with Decadence Dance and played four songs in all before getting all acoustic on us – the just-mentioned-in-this-sentence “Decadence Dance,” It (‘s a Monster),” “Star” (from the latest album), “Rest in Peace” and the technically astounding “Play With Me.” I’m convinced Nuno plays faster live than on record, but I have no desire to go about trying to prove this theory.

I’d hit that.

After physically exhausting everyone in the room, Extreme decided to lull us into a completely false sense of security by pulling out the acoustics and lowering the lights. With a pre-recorded backing track, Pat and new drummer Kevin ‘kFigg’ Figueiredo (Gary Cherone had to go figure out what his next sequence of poses and weird dances would be) Nuno laid down the fucking law with “Midnight Express.” What happened next puzzled, confused and downright pissed me off. They played “More Than Words.” of course. To be honest, Extreme not playing “More than Words” is like Dream Theater not playing “Pull Me Under.” Wait. That’s exactly what happened when I saw Dream Theater, and not only was I not upset that they skipped that dud, but I had a better time because of it.

But, just playing the song is not the part that upset me. What upset me was that the audience, like a collection of retarded automatons who actually didn’t listen to Extreme except for the year and a half they were prominently featured on MTV, pulled out their cameras and recoded videos of the completely and utterly unspectacular performance of the marginally-better-than-awful song. To me, that would be like lighting your friend’s face on fire and only recording your other friends reactions. What’s the point?

Would you rather have this:

Or this:

As a memory of your Extreme Experience?

The rest of the set was of course insanely awesome. The closer is embeded above – I wish they had played all of “He-man Woman Hater”, but I guess I’ll take a Michael Jackson cover instead.

Then Ratt took the stage. Remember a few years ago when they made a huge deal about Stephen Pearcy re-joining the band and kicking the more talented Jizzy Pearl to the curb? No? Well, they did that a few years back and man, let me tell you what a good decision that was… The ravaged old man came out onstage looking like a cross between a washed-up WWE wretsler and a piece of chewed up leather. To say he strutted around would be an over statement. He kinda just walked around semi-singing. Alright, he sounded way better than the first time I saw him at Rocklahoma a few years ago, but he was still a shell of his former self.

Warren DeMartini was hardly in better shape. He really looked like heroin-era Lou Reed. And he was wearing a full flack jacket in a 100+ degree club. He also faked his lip sync-ing. He would walk up to the mic and move his mouth like a puppet instead of forming words. Weird. Also, the playing just wasn’t that great. It seemed that the whole band adhered to the motto of “We’re not as good as Extreme so let’s just play louder and have a bigger lighting rig). Where’s Juan Croucier when you need him?

(Here’s where a video would be, but I couldn’t find one from this particular show, so it would be cheating if I posted something).

Long story short, I stayed for three songs and left. I didn’t want to ruin my Extreme show.

Last week Radiohead released a new track entitled, “Harry Patch (In Memory of).” Pretty interesting title. As you may or may not know, the namesake of the song is…well Harry Patch. If you don’t know, Harry Patch was the last surviving soldier who fought in World War I. He died on July 25th this year at the age of 111 years and 38 days.  I’m not sure if you’ve listened to the song yet, but, as a tribute, Radiohead tried to make their song sound just as long. Harry Patch was a pretty awesome guy, the third oldest man worldwide, the oldest one in Europe and one of the 70 oldest men who ever lived. Thanks Wikipedia.

Anyway, Harry was British and so is Radiohead, so obviously the band felt the need to crank out a song. And I really mean crank it out, this song came out like the day of his death. Personally, I think that’s a little douchey, clearly they were trying to steal some of Harry’s thunder, but who cares! Radiohead wrote a song for you! That’s pretty sweet right? They used to be one of the most sought after bands and they used to write tons of cool songs, so now this old guy, who didn’t even know what a Radiohead was, gets a rocking song named after him! Awesome!

WRONG.

I’m sure you have noticed, but the indie-community certainly hasn’t: Radiohead have clearly lost their spark. Some people thought they jumped the shark with “Amnesiac” or “Hail To The Thief”…some even stretched it to Thom Yorke’s solo album and let’s not kid ourselves even for a free album  “In Rainbows” wasn’t that good. The best thing Radiohead has done recently is their guitarist Johnny Greenwood’s soundtrack for the movie “There Will Be Blood” which ruled. The second best thing they’ve done is not tour the United States, because if they did I might end up getting nostalgic for High School and purchase some outrageously priced ticket. I think Thom Yorke will only tour the US when we have a president that he feels comfortable mocking.

Harry Patch

Now, if you haven’t played the song yet please do. Let’s try to imagine what Harry Patch would say when he wakes up, turns on the radio and hears this song up in heaven:

A) This blows. Was I really this boring?
B) Why is it only string instruments? I need some guitar!
C) Why is the lead singer falling asleep?
D) Wait, why are they singing MY quotes!

I’ll respond in order:

A) Yes, this song does blow, but, no, Mr. Patch you are not boring. You led one of the craziest lives I’ve ever heard of. You lived over a century, plus you were in the trenches of the first modern war. Your song should have rocked. It should have had the sounds of bombs clobbering Germans and guitar solos clobbering our eardrums. Instead we get the on and off swelling of a quartet? Really? How long did this take to write? It sounds like Thom Yorke fell asleep on an expensive keyboard set to Symphony Tone. And you really have the nerve to take up 5 minutes and 30 seconds of our time? Harry Patch is in heaven! He can do whatever he wants! He doesn’t have 5 minutes to spare! There is tapioca pudding to be swam in and black-and-white television stars to meet! DJ proposed that we each write a commentary as we listened to the song, marking the time and our reactions as we went along. We’ll have to do that for a different song because the transcripts for this little ditty would be identical:

0:00-5:30: Blech.

B) Yes, the song is made up of only string instruments. To review Radiohead has five members: Guitar, Guitar, Guitar, Bass and Drums. Yes, they need three guitars, but to be fair one guy just makes eerie sound effects through a series of delay pedals and Thom Yorke usually just hold his and mopes. So, since obviously none of the band plays on the track, it shouldn’t really be called a Radiohead track. Unless they all circled around a piece of staff paper and played a collective connect-the-dots to compose it. I think this is more likely Thom Yorke’s doing. I’m sure when he read the morning’s headlines his lazy-eye of gloom swirled in a fit of dejection and he rushed into the studio, determined to fulfill his role as the pessimistic Bono. The track was done in minutes and released soon after, putting a damper on all subsequent remembrances and causing the folks over at Pitchfork.com to cream their ironically short shorts at 11:30 in the morning.

C) Yes, Thom Yorke (perhaps more than usual) sounds like he is falling asleep. I think between lines he actually does enter REM. Then he awakens, startled, and says something else before snoozing off again. How does it take him 5:30 to say 8 lines? Bowie did it in under three.

D) Perhaps most inconsiderate, the eight lines sang are all quotes said by Harry Patch. After WWI, Patch was a notable Anti-War voice. Obviously Radiohead are anti-everything, including war, so this was a perfect match up. I guess the idea of using a famous person’s words in a song to commemorate them isn’t totally off the wall, but the way it’s done in this song is just bleak. I’m sure images of devils rising up from the soil and an apocalyptic hell on Earth isn’t really what Patch’s family, friends and admirers want to be thinking about as he’s put in the ground. I’m calling it, Radiohead: Wet Blanket Band of 2009.

This whole fiasco also got me thinking. When I die is Radiohead going to write a song about me? At the rate they’re going, I hope not. If anyone does feel the need to sing my quotes after I’m gone I want those quotes to rock. So, to make sure I don’t get stuck with a five and a half minute dud, I’m now declaring the following criteria:

Should You Feel The Need To Commemorate My Life Through Song:
-The song must be less than 3 minutes or, if it must run longer, should rock the entire time.
-The song should be at tempo higher than 125.
-Electric guitar and drums must be included. Also ripping solos.
-The song MAY NOT be accompanied by a music video slideshow of sepia-toned pictures of me.
-If you are going to use my quotes as lyrics you have to select from the quote list below:

“I never stopped rocking.”
“My life was a party and I really enjoyed it.”
“I don’t really regret anything”
“I was a Grade-A person in general and I had a great sense of fashion for a straight guy.”
“My blogs were hilarious and everyone laughed at them.”
“My hair was big, just like my heart.”
“I was too skinny and looked too young, but no one ever cared because I was just that terrific.”
“Everyone liked me because I was miraculous.”
“You can be awesome too, you’re pretty awesome right now.”
“Just be happy, you’re not living in a distopian society. George Orwell is just one author. There are others. Sunshine still exists. Go outside.”
“I hope this song doesn’t suck like the one Radiohead wrote about Harry Patch.”

It’s a little difficult to think of the holiday season during the hot summer season, but we all know that Christmas will one day come again. Every Christmas without fail a new collection of Christmas songs is released, performed slightly differently then they usually are, but still not as good as they first were. These Christmas albums are usually stamped out by music giants like Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosie O’Donnell and Twisted Sister.

Well guess who’s next to bite off a chunk of the money-making yule log? That’s right! Bob Dylan.

I mean when you think of Christmas doesn’t the image of an old Jew come to mind?

Now I’m as big a Bob Dylan fan as the next guy (provided the next guy isn’t DJ), but this idea seems the tiniest bit horrible to me.  Story has it that Bob’s already got four songs in the bag, including “Here Comes Santa Claus” and “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” Again, I’d like to emphasize that Dylan is a Jew and, thus, will still be getting a sack of coal this December 25th, record or no record.

Dylan did go through a born-again-Christian “phase” from 1979-1981. Up until now I had passed that off as a bad joke, but it looks like Dylan is getting in touch with his non-existent Christian roots again. Maybe all these celebrity deaths are getting him worried. Is recording a Christmas album a free ticket to heaven? It’s a possibility.

I could support this album if Dylan had changed things up a little.  Couldn’t he have added that vintage Zimmerman flair? I would consider picking up a Christmas album with this track list:

1- The Empty Stocking Blues
2- Snowy Day Women #12 and #25
3- Stuck inside the Chimney with the X-Mas Blues Again
4- These Presents They Are A-Wrappin’
5- Subterranean Homesick Elf
6- It’s Alright Mama (It’s Only Hanukkah)
7- All Along the Rooftop
8- I Dreamed I Saw St. Nicholas
9- 34th Street Revisited
10- Ballad of a Snow Man

But, no, I do not need to hear Bob’s rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.”

However, I will be the first to snag his cover of “Dradle, Dradle, Dradle.”

HELLO VIETNAM!!!

I hope you all have been enjoying this gorgeous sunny, summer weather. I know that, at least here on Long Island, it is really starting to warm up. Finally that comfortable outdoor weather that everyone longs for all year!! Anyway, if you’re like me, warm weather means it’s beach time!! It’s time to load up the woody with inner tubes, shave the snow cone ice and oil up those biceps… we’re going to the beach!!!

Sun, Sun, Sun!!!

Now while at the beach it’s imperative that you have everything set up so you are ready to relax to the max. That means proper attire: wet suit, flippers, goggles, snorkel, swimmies and peg-leg. It also means proper snacks: hot pretzels, fondu, fresca, grape twizzler pull-n-peels, a bottle of ether and a rag. But most importantly it means having the right music to listen to while you relax to the max.

And if you still haven’t found the right songs for the summer, you have come to the right place. I have always been ahead of the curve when it comes to music and I have found the perfect beach album for the summer: Mastodon’s 2004 release “Leviathan.” I picked up this vinyl last week and did not hesitate to put it on during my ride to the shore this past weekend. It was the most fun I’ve had next to the ocean in years, let me tell you why:

If your day at the beach isn’t this exciting you are fucking it up.

I woke up early Saturday morning (I wanted to beat the beach rush). The cooler was loaded to the brim with Bud Light Red Onion and, of course, grape Twizzler Pull-n-Peels. I unwrapped the “Leviathan” vinyl, the sun shining on my skin, and set it gently on my car’s record player. I did a quick preliminary squirt of sun-screen, stepped into my flip-flops, set the needle on the record and listened to the happy-go-lucky sounds of the first track ring out as I drove off for a day of fun in the sun:

I think that someone is trying to kill me
Infecting my blood and destroying my mind

Now I realize this is not your typical beach music (let’s say that Jack Johnson or Red Hot Chili Pepper singles are typical beach music), but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. I mean if you really listen to the album you’ll see that it’s about fishing, and what is more nautical than fishing? Answer: nothing. Better answer: the ocean. I know that “Leviathan” and Mastodon in general can be a little, let’s say…sandy?…but that did not stop them from making a terrific album for metal-heads, surfer dudes and sea critters alike. Also I know whales aren’t fish, but please – I’m just trying to relax here.

It was a little after nine in the morning, but already the sun was glaring. I opted to just roll down the windows, rather than use the A/C. It was totally worth it. The fresh air, the sweet smell of hibiscus in bloom and the sun, the shining glorious sun!! The lyrics, “I am completely immersed in darkness As I turn my body away from the sun” blazed just as brightly from the stereo and my face was all smiles.

I arrived at the beach in exactly three minutes and forty-nine seconds, removed my portable record player and carried it to the beach as the second track of the album came on “I Am Ahab.” Another fishing reference!!! So beachy!!! The first lyrics are so, so true: there is “a magic in the water that attracts all men”…the magic of boogie boarding!!!  Yay!! In a full wet-suit and with a mouth full of grape Twizzler Pull-n-Peel, I grabbed my boogie board and hit the surf.. The water was cool and refreshing and the next song, “Seabeast,” was the perfect soundtrack for when I started to drown.

This is what DJ looks like during the groove in “The Last Baron“

An undertow was pulling me, my boogie board and my purple-colored Twizzler-tongue down to Davy Jones’ locker. I was a little scared, but also kind of just digging the song. The gentle lap of the guitar, the pitter-patter of the kick drum. So beach-y, so aqua-rific. Within inches of my life I started to think about how great the word “aqua-rific” is and made a mental note to include the made-up word in my next blog post. Mission accomplished.

With my last breath extinguishing itself in my lungs, I was somewhat saddened that I would soon be no more, but I was also fairly content that I died after having such a great day at the beach. Also, one of my favorite tracks on the album, “Island,” was coming on next….but wait at these depths the music was fading away?! I needed to hear the next song!! I thought, “Oh well, I guess I should at least try to survive…” And so I did. With the giggling tom-toms a-poundin’ and the wavy screams a-screamin’ I made it to the surface and washed ashore beside an orange Italian eating an orange Italian ice. I raised my head to comment on the hilarity, but then I passed out because I had almost drowned.

I woke up around noon, half buried in the sand, and burnt to a crisp. Not from the sun, but because tracks 5, 6, 7 and 8 had melted my face. I crawled my way over to my blanket just as the summerjam tune “Hearts Alive” came on. Glad to be alive myself, I looked around the now-crowded beach and thought about just how terrific this album was for the sand-swept scene. I started to relax on my towel, but had trouble moving my newly burnt arms. I felt almost as immobile as Brent Hinds did after his brain hemorrhaged. ZING!!! As the song began to soar as high as the seagulls and banner-trailing planes, I looked at the children digging in the sand and thought of drummer Brann Dailor trying to dig up his dead sister while tripping on acid. ZING!!! I looked at the lifeguard stand and could imagine Queequeg climbing it like a crow’s nest. NOT REALLY A JOKE!!! I saw a young lady sucking on a popsicle like it was a harpoon. JOKE?? I saw a young albino boy devour a man’s leg.  LIKE MOBY DICK!!! Yes, I thought, “Leviathan” is the perfect album for the summer.

By the way, I’m just kidding…Twizzler never made a grape flavored pull-n-peel.

STAYED TUNED FOR MY NEXT SUMMER MUSIC REVIEWS:
“Blood Mountain” the Perfect Album for a Day of Family-Hiking!!
AND
“Crack the Skye” the Perfect Album for Your Flight to Disney!!

Sigh…hello everyone. This is Leo, one of SmartassRadio’s many music reviewers. I got recruited here as part of the site’s endangered species awareness and protection program. It’s been fine, I mean good, good. I’m glad to be here. Well, I’m homesick, sure, everyone gets homesick…being so far from home. Hmm…anyway. What was I talking about? I don’t even know…sigh…oh, right….the music review. I’m sorry. You know they asked me to write a review of Dave Matthews Band‘s new album “Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King” weeks ago, they figured, being from Africa and all, I would be the right correspondent for this album, but I haven’t been able to muster up the effort. I’m so out of sorts recently. I don’t have any appetite. My mane is disheveled and, and…I just don’t know what to do…but I promised I would get this done by tomorrow so…here goes nothing, I suppose…

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