In my previous post I discussed four criteria which make up the ideal romantic partner. Of course, because I was describing an ideal, I was also describing an impossibility. In my eyes a dream girl/guy would be very funny, extremely attractive, have genius-level intelligence and be as loyal as a lark. In reality, candidates are bound to fall short in at least one of those categories, usually at least two. I fall short in all four.

But hold the phone! My goal is not to discourage people! As Built to Spill’s first album’s title told us: There Is Nothing Wrong With Love! What is wrong is having ridiculous expectations. In this second part, I am going to reveal my second system of romantic qualification: S.A.F.E. (again, this took about 4 minutes of development and is undoubtedly flawed). The S.A.F.E system outlines my qualifications for what constitutes an appropriate partner to pursue romantically. While the F.A.I.L standards will only end in disaster, the S.A.F.E criteria should lead you to a happy and healthy relationship. Let’s begin:

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I’ve found that making up systems is pretty easy. It must be one of those human impulses, to find a sense of logic in everything. Of course none of it is true. I don’t really buy into many systems of thought used to explain human emotions. For example, maybe you’ve heard of psychological term “displacement,” which is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind redirects affects from an object felt to be dangerous or unacceptable to an object felt to be safe or acceptable. So, when your Mom loses her job she comes home and beats your Dad. OK, I guess we can use a term to describe that emotional reaction- but I’m always a little wary of these things. The same goes for dream interpretation. Yes, I think dreams can tell you things, but sometimes people can be too quick to apply a simple system of logic to the infinitely more complicated processes of the psyche.

Having said that, here’s a system I’ve developed (in about 4 minutes) to describe the intricacies of love (feel free to comment on the variety of flaws and over all under-development in the comments). I’m calling it the F.A.I.L-S.A.F.E system of romantic development. Let me explain:

The system is divided into two parts. The first, F.A.I.L., outlines what I imagine to be the ideal person to start a relationship with and then explains why this person cannot exist. The second, S.A.F.E, offers a more realistic set of qualities to pursue in the opposite (or same) sex.

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Hello everyone. Many people, particularly those who live nearby water, have heard of an animal called the osprey. You may have even been lucky enough to have seen one of these birds of prey in action. Osprey’s are very cool and they are certainly a species that everyone could use more information on. To help inform the masses on these exciting animals I’ve decided to write this post. This is “In The Know” with Roy and this week’s topic is ospreys.

An osprey in a diving position.

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Our Senior-Paleontology Expert Dan Scully recently painted a fairly spine-tingling portrait of the latest prehistoric fiend: Predator X (re: turtleshark). I have been a big dinosaur fan ever since my youth and, like many others, I have always found T-Rex to be a pretty stellar example of what Darwinism was capable of. Still, I am not one of those dinoholics who refuse to take T-Rex off his pearly pedestal. I admit there are carnivores much more vicious and gargantuan (look no further than our senior-paleontology expert Dan “Skull-Crusher” Scully). However, one dinosaur that certainly won’t be usurping anyone, except maybe the giant squid and Nessy, is Predator X. Why? Because he’s a sea monster and sea monsters are only scary to avid swimmers and pussies (often the same people).

As Jurassic Park III showed us there are already more ferocious dinosaurs than the Rex.

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The Internet is a many splendored thing. If I were to try to hunt down a video of a woman doin’ it in an ET costume (link NSFW and probably not safe for 99% of the population – you’ve been warned), it would take literally hours in the real world. If I wanted to know the complete history of hampsterdance.com I would probably have to track down the original owners/operators of the site. If, say, I wanted to hear the ramblings of two boring, under-produced and over-hyped metal nerds, I would actually have to sit around at my nearest Gibson dealer – a fate worse than castration. And, of course if I wanted to see Val Kilmer in 2008, I would have had to actually find him way back then. Luckily for me, none of those scenarios ever has to happen thanks to the Internet.

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Many reputable anthropologists will tell you that many reputable animals were first fish. I’m not going to get into the specifics of the whole thing, frankly I don’t understand it. Suffice it to say that everyone from Rasputin to Walt Disney has evolved from an ancient tadpole in some Triassic shit-pool. Imagining this ancestral progression can lead to a truly cosmic meditation, but I’m not interested in that. What I’m worried about is when evolution goes bad. Sure, humans are on top now, but you don’t need to be a reputable anthropologist to see that our chapter is coming to a close. Which leads me to this terrible possibility: walkin’ crocs.

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The Swiss Government’s “Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology” has recently released a report entitled “The Dignity of Living Begins With Regard to Plants.” The twenty-four page expose proposes the notion that plants have some rights of their own. The committee purports that snipping a road-side wildflower for no reason is actually an immoral decapitation.

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