Poor Newsday. Everyone who’s anyone in the New York metropolitan area thinks of the Long Island newspaper as unnecessary and irrelevant. Until very recently I would have argued the point that, although it’s a cultural wasteland largely made up of privileged assholes who can’t speak even remotely proper English, drive in a responsible manner, or drink a nice relaxing beverage, there’s enough going on on Long Island to justify it’s own reasonably well written newspaper. I would even go so far as to say the sports writing is pretty serviceable and even funny in an “I can’t believe these guys get paid to write blogs” kind of way.

“That guy’s a turd.” – My dad in reference to Neil Best. Well said, pops.

I would have said all that until about three days ago. That’s when Neil Best decided to sit down and write “The Top 10 Best New York Sports Moments of 2010.” They changed the name online to omit the “New York” part, but you’ll notice every moment includes a New York team. Again, this would have amused me any other day. I love lists. I watched a ton of sports in 2010. I definitely would have liked to combine the two. But Neil Fucking Best had to go and take a big dump on what would be great dump-taking reading material.

Read more »

I’m writing this on Monday night about an hour before the New York Giants play the Minnesota Vikings in Detroit. This wacky set of circumstances comes as a direct result of this:

Woah.

Anyway, even more significant than an entire sports stadium collapsing under the weight of what appears to be either cocaine or sudsy bubbles is the fact that Brett Favre won’t be starting. For those of you who a) don’t like to spend 10 hours every Sunday screaming at their TV, b) don’t know the names of the sports they watch, or c) sat out every 2nd week of high school gym because of “menstrual cramps,” Brett Favre has started every single regular season game since 1992. Follow me after the jump for a list of significant events that have happened since Brett started tossing an asymmetrical leather ball to really fast black guys on a professional level.

Read more »

I passed a bowling alley today and noticed that attached to the building was a very interesting looking store. It was called the “Pro Shop.” Now, I consider myself to be a pro in most aspects of life so, naturally, I walked inside to see what was the dealio (pro-talk for ‘situation’). Much to my chagrin (pro-talk for the sudden embarrassment upon realizing I am a bowling ball store ) I found that I was not in a pro store, I was in a bowling ball store. Whoever came up with the audacious idea to start calling bowling ball suppliers “pro” must have been a real marketing genius, but I think its high-time that this practice be ended.

There are only two pro things about this picture

Read more »

Hello everyone.

Here’s a video I made about the Stegosaurus. The Stegosaurus is one of my favorite animals. I hold it very close to my heart and know lots and lots of information about it. Some of this information I would like to pass on to you in this short video:

Read more »

I like to dance, so sue me!!!!!!

Hahaha, I’m sorry, that first line just cracked me up. But seriously folks, I do; I do love to dance. Dancing is my natural passion. In fact, if I were to have my own Vitamin Water it would have only two ingredients: passion fruit and dancing…and water. It wouldn’t taste very good, but it would sum up my feelings on dancing very well. When I hear music, my body naturally wants to move. I wiggle and jiggle, I bop and be. Do I follow many dancing conventions? No, of course not. Do I flail, air-hump and turn my body into a human gyroscope? Yes. Yes, I do. I know I busted a move (or two, LOL) this weekend, but I’m beginning to think my techniques are being subtly mocked. Are those fun-loving party people laughing with me? Or are those ugly, prudish, boneheads laughing at me? Let’s figure it out:

Working at 12% of my dancing potential.

Read more »

I’ve been hanging out with Regis Philbin a lot recently and he has been chatting my ear off incessantly over his favorite college football team the “Notre Dame Fighting Irish.” I happen to be a pretty Irish fellow (50%), and if you need more proof than just genetics consider this: last St. Patrick’s Day I watched a parade in Cork, Ireland, got drunk off Guinness, saw old men with brogues play jigs with fiddles and woke the next morning to kiss the Blarney Stone. I’m sure I ate a potato and got in a enormous brawl somewhere in the middle of that too, so rest assured that I am familiar with Irish stereotypes. But you know who isn’t familiar with mass generalizations? Theodore W. Drake, designer of Notre Dame’s Fighting Irish Leprechaun Mascot.

Who is this schmuck?

Read more »

This winter to get a supplemental income (aside from this cash-factory) I decided to be a Girl’s Winter Track Coach. Of course, Middle School Girls Track teams have to be talked to a certain way. You can’t talk to them like regular people. You can’t directly threaten them or make comments about their physical appearance. My job is to motivate the young ladies; I keep my comments to myself. Here’s a look at how it usually goes down when I cheer on our best mile runner (eight indoor laps).

One of the Ladies I Coach

Read more »