Catering To The Fun-Loving Typist
Let’s consider the layout of letters on a computer keyboard. Why not alphabetical? I’ll tell you why: because the alphabet isn’t that fun. You know what is fun? The word: QWERTY. Type it out and any drab office turns into a Slip n’ Slide fiasco! Am I writing or stealing home base? I don’t know! Not to mention how fun QWERTY is to pronounce, a ‘Q’, ‘W’ and ‘Y’? Someone call Dr.Seuss, we’ve got a perfect storm of wackiness! The only problem is QWERTY isn’t so much a word as a classification of keyboards.
Regardless, you can still have an outrageously fun time with a keyboard in hand. Try this: type the word typewriter. Notice anything? Your fingers didn’t stray from the first row. There’s no need to spider dance around, all the letters are lined up right there. Let’s try the second row. Any words you can write there? I’ll give you a second…
You got it! The word alfalfa is snuggled right in between the upper and lower keyboard tiers. Unfortunately, the bottom row is more of an island for misfit toys, cold, bitter, unwanted, vowel-less; in the end: utterly forgettable.
These keyboard gags are fun but eventually they do lose their punch. By the time you’ve typed typewriter twenty-two times in a row, almost everyone has had enough. Shouldn’t we have some more words that are fun to type? We have vocabulary for vocabulary, so why not expand the lexicon a bit? It’s about time we got with the times and made some type-ables that really appeal to those left-of-center secretaries:
Lollipop oil: This one really challenges your dexterity. If you can do it fast it feels like you’re getting the high score in a pinball game.
Definition: (noun) corn syrup used to run renewable energy cars.
Usage: “Look at that pansy, I bet his pick-up runs on lollipop-oil.”
Unminimum: This word allows for a lovely little square-dance move to be performed by the middle and index fingers of the right hand.
Definition: (adjective) things that are NOT the minimum.
Usage: “Sorry, I can’t sell you bourbon; being nine years old is unminimum.”
Johigufy (pronounced JO-hi-guff-eee): Try it out. My fingers feel like they’re moon-walking down the keyboard.
Definition: (noun) noise, distractions, a large ruckus.
Usage: “How can I get my work done with all this johigufy?”
Poiuy: (pronounced poy-U-eee) This one works like a reverse QWERTY. Rather than attempting a backwards dash move, I recommend a lily-pad hop from each letter.
Definition (adjective) used to describe foods with too much soy sauce.
Usage: “Delilah, I thought the white rice was a little poiuy, maybe ease up next time.”
Woskal: (pronounced Woz-kel) Two cute little triangles, equal action for both hands- this word is a joy to type.
Definition: 1. (noun) the small tornados that leaves can form on a windy day. 2. (verb) The action of bobbling an item thrown to you, only to drop it.
Usage: 1. “Look a Woskal” 2. “That butterfingers woskaled the ball again.”
Apalamanaba: (pronounced Ap-ah-la-ma-na-bah) While the right hand performs an avalanche move, the left hand keeps the cadence. A great way to impress your friends.
Definition: (conjunction) therefore, ergo.
Usage: “I think, apalamanaba I am.”
And of course the big one:
Q.w.e.r.t.y.u.i.o.p.a.s.d.f.g.h.j.k.l.z.x.c.v.b.n.m. – an acronym for “Quick, witty, educated, reliable, typing, young, unique, illustrious, open-minded, palatable, ambidextrous, savvy, debonair, friendly, gnarly, humble, jocular, keyboarding, luxurious, zany, x-treme, clever, venerable, bodacious, nimble mammal” a synonym for anyone who adopts these keyboard-ready words.
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