Chirpper: The New Organic Alternative To Twitter
Recently the world has become all a twitter over the latest internet social-networking site to wow the web. I am of course talking about the Netscape Forum Center Twitter. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the site, you may even be members. If you are a member I would encourage you to follow SmartassRadio (DJ) and myself, if you are so inclined. Twitter is a bit of an enigma for me: I don’t know why I like it, yet I do. I have a problem with most everything on the site, specifically the jargon that it has developed. For example, DJ now tweets more often than he roars and I (someone who I have always thought of as independent) am guilty of being a follower in 27 cases. Also, the idea that anyone is actually “networking,” rather than “self-promoting” is a little suspect. Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that the reason I like twitter is because I like to communicate with the world at large. I enjoy the reassurance I feel knowing that someone can know how I feel. The stain of the whole system is that I have to be inside on a computer procrastinating to really be compelled to tweet.
Well, not anymore. Unlike the webmaster of the Netscape Forum Center, when I am presented with a flawed system I try to fix it. And fix it I have. Today, I would like to introduce the latest venue for social networking: Chirpper ™.
Chirpper is a made up word derived from the real word “chirp.” I could have named the network “Chitter,” which is a real word synonymous with Twitter. However, Chitter sounds too much like Shitter, which is also a real word meaning a) someone who shits, or b) a toilet. I couldn’t use a name that reminded me of shit because, frankly, shit grosses the shit out of me.
Chirpper will be the Internet’s first organic web page. How so? It won’t be on the Internet. It will be more like you are communicating in an alternate reality. The only difference is the reality won’t be alternate; it will be real! That’s right: the Internet’s first organic, wireless, real communicating network.
Here’s how it works: I recently purchased eleven thousand carrier pigeons and I have positioned them strategically in all the media hot-spots of the United States (New Paltz, Philadelphia, San Jose and a Long Island Border’s Books). The network is relatively specialized as of now, but I just found forty-nine hundred more pigeons as a Buy-It-Now on eBay, so expect more locations opening up in the future. By the end of the summer I think I’ll be ready to go nation-wide. By Thanksgiving (providing that people don’t swap turkeys for pigeons under economic stress), the franchise will go global!
Here’ how it works, continued: Say I have a message. For example, “Feel pretty darn good today.” I write the message on a small scroll of papyrus, tie it to my designated pigeon, and say, “Fly Georgia, Fly!” Georgia obviously being the bird’s name. The pigeon will then make regimented visits to all my friends (or followers, as Twitter would have you say). Because this journey will eventually span several nations and oceans, this may take some time. The plus side: it’s organic. The double plus side: it’s also “green” because I am involving animals in a pleasant way (living wages) and not using gasoline.
This system is very similar to the Harry Potter owl-messenger system, except for two distinct differences: 1) Pigeons are probably less competent, 2) Harry Potter is fake.
I did think about buying snowy, barn and lollipop-tasting* owls in bulk, but most species are endangered and this operation is, need I remind you, organic.
*Look forward to my next blog post: “What did the Tootsie Pop Owl Get His Degree In?”
So there it is. Chirpper: soon to revolutionize the way you look at human interaction. You can sign up, conveniently, down in the comment section of this post. Keep in mind, there are currently only 11,000 potential user-slots (soon to be 15,900), so do not delay!
For our richer readers, you might consider these more premium options:
Chatter: From the people who brought you Chirpper…this revolutionary networking phenomenon is sweeping the northeast. Sign up via e-mail, and send us the names and addresses of some of your closest comrades. We will send you back conversation starters curtailed to each person’s specific interests. We will also negotiate “random” meetings between you and your friends (street corners, corridors, the supermarket? You name it!). Once you two “bump” into each other you’ll know just what to say. Conversation has never been easy, thanks to Chatter (patent pending).
Snicker: From the people who brought you Chirpper and Chatter comes Snicker! Insulting people and laughing behind there backs has never been easier. Each Snicker starter-kit comes with two dozen finely manicured throwing darts. Each engraved with a sharp and biting insult. Wait til your antagonist of choice walks by and let the insults fly…literally! You’ll cherish the look on his face when he removes the projectile from his neck only to find that it says, “You really suck at guitar.” Snicker: the perfect way to add insult to injury…literally!
Consider-er: From the people who brought you Chirpper, Chatter and Snicker comes the latest in social networking: Consider-er. Are you the type of person who hates being around other people? At work do you find yourself happily mulling through your work without much thought to those around you? Have you also been pressured by your mother, father, or significant other to start making friends through social networking sites? If you’ve answered “yes” to any of those questions considerer.com may be the place for you. When you join Considerer you can feel proud to be networking sociably, without the burden of human contact. Here how: first you make a personalized and completely, anonymous 16-digit username. No profile information, biography or e-mail address required! Simply sign up and log in. Once you have become a member you will receive by-monthly notices like this one:
7762 8973 9391 0084 has sent you a message:
“With one watch you always know what time it is. With two you can never be sure.”
This thought-provoking message may have come from another user, it may have been randomly generated by a computer. You don’t know, you never need to find out and there’s no way you ever could! It’s just a minor thought for you to consider at your leisure, or for you to totally ignore. Your choice! There is no obligation. Finally, you can feel like you are part of something! Considerer.com, try it today, or don’t, either way is fine with us.
[ad]
