Hey guys! Last time we busted out a “Dear SmartassRadio” we explained how to stay fit and healthy. It was a huge success and the letters have been pouring in ever since. This time we decided it would be more fun to answer some of the sexier letters we’ve gotten in recent months. Check ‘em out after the jump.
I have been worried sick for the past two weeks and I have no idea what to do and I need your help pronto before I worry my self sick. It’s the winter I know and I know lots of people can be down in the dumps, not the most romantic time. I don’t really have much trouble meeting and talking to girls, but something is really starting to scare me. Here’s the deal: two weeks ago I invited my friend Tobias over my house. He lives about five blocks from my condominium. It’s not a far walk, but two weeks ago it was really cold outside. Tobias got to my house with some sad news. It was so cold he said he had frozen his dick off. Is this possible?! Obviously I didn’t dwell on the topic with him because how rude would that be? We hung out but all I could think about was Tobias’ frozen dick left somewhere outside on the street. Are there any other ways your dick can fall off? Does Tobias have any chance of romance in the future? I need to know- really stressing me out.
You guys have hilarious posts by the way,
Richard N. Danger
Dear Mr. Danger,
It’s entirely possible his dick did in fact freeze off, but you shouldn’t really worry too much about it. Much like an iguana’s tail, your buddy’s dick will grow back in a couple weeks. And here’s the kicker – it’ll be even bigger this time around! Just like the iguana, all men have the subtle defense mechanism to grow our dicks back.
More often than not, a man will experience his dick falling off during a phone call with his wife/husband about how much money he’s allowed to spend on strings for his son’s bass. When he realizes the absolute mediocrity that has been his life up to this point, the overwhelming sadness will cause the arteries in his dick and balls to constrict, ultimately resulting in the same situation your friend is in.
-SmartassRadio Advice Robot
Hey guys, love the posts. Really love the posts actually. We don’t know how you come up with this stuff. Are you going to start interviewing people again soon? We only ask because you guys really know how to interview people. You end up being more interesting than your guests! And the podcasts! We need to have more of those. Your voices, oh my god! We each play your old radio shows every night- it’s the only thing that helps us fall asleep (it’s really stressful doing modeling work internationally). We can’t tell you how sad we were when you went on hiatus, but you’re back now and that’s what matters. You are our heroes, can’t think of anyone smarter, funnier or real. You guys are living life- total all-stars. Anyway, look us blabbing on, our questions was: are you guys single?
You’re a dream,
Ashley and Svetlana
Hate to break it to ya, but we’re both taken. Here’s a shot of our lovely ladies hanging out at a movie premier (we couldn’t go because we were on a Tracy Morgan’s yacht helping him write his most recent stand-up special):
If anything changes, we’ll let you know.
Nude photos might help make changes happen.
-SmartassRadio Answer Bot (Not DJ)
Dudes I am ugly, boring and mean and I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life. When I say ugly, I mean despicably ugly. Contemptible. Little girls turn away. Because of my face I don’t go out much because I don’t want to get insulted. I don’t do much but stay indoors playing my pipe organ. Obviously, as a 26 year old, I’m pretty jaded with life; hence, I am judgmental and a perfectionist. How can I meet the girl of my dreams?
Why the long face? Haha, I’m only kidding. Wait… you don’t have to do this. Put the samurai sword down. I will not let you commit harikari on this rug! I mean, c’mon dude you’re not that… No, you’re completely right, you’re downright hideous.
Look: if you want to kill yourself, fine. But, in the event you pussy out (which is pretty likely given how grotesque and incompetent you are) I’ll give you a little advice. Check this place out. There are two upsides to this particular school for blind girls. The first one should be pretty apparent to a guy who probably near blinds himself every time he looks in the mirror. The second is that it’s in Tanzania. Not only is putting you on the other side of the globe a bonus for me, but these poor girls speak Swahili, so they won’t have to listen to you whine about your stupid ugly face.
-the Smartass Radio love droid
Dear Smartass Radio,
How can I best pleasure my woman this upcoming Valentine’s Day? I tried to pull out all the stops last year, but I want to make this year even better! She is my sweetie.
Who are you kidding? You don’t have a woman and you probably never will. Really guy, stop sending these stupid emails. We all know your “girlfriend” in “Jersey” is really a euphemism for your right hand. You’re fooling no one but yourself.
If you really want to make a woman happy this V day how about you take your mother out to a nice dinner. You know it hasn’t been easy for her since dad left and it wouldn’t kill you to spend some quality time with the only woman you’ll ever live with (yeah, I know you lost your job and have to move back home. Everyone does.) I’d say a nice night at Olive Garden followed by watching a VHS copy of E.T. and playing Kerplunk! is just the ticket.
- SmartassRadio Truth Telling Robot
Did you get the pics? xoxox
Ashley and Svetlana
We did, but if you want to get with these guys…
You’ll have to try a little harder. Thanks for nothing.
- A very disappointed DJ & Roy.
If you’d like to send a letter to be answered by the Smartass Radio Emailtron 8000, send a self addressed stamped envelope to:
P.O. Box 963
New York, NY 10108