Here at the SmartassRadio offices, we love giving each other advice. Whether it’s about that rash on Roy’s inner thigh or Chachi’s battered liver, we always figure out the right solution to whatever’s ailing us. We decided to extend that courtesy to our readers. It started as medical advice, but clearly a few of our readers missed the point. You can email your own questions to DJ@SmartassRadio.com or Roy@SmartassRadio.com
Dear SmartassRadio,
First off, I love your stuff! I check the site everyday and your blogs really are the shining rainbow over my usual drab workday. I think my favorite post has been “Why Usher Should Be Elected President“, I show it to all my friends. My friend Joey was visiting just the other day, he lives in Ohio, and he was literally cracking up at your “Worst Reality Shows” post. We went out to T.G.I.F afterward, it was really nice. It’s so nice when Joey comes to visit. I live in Michigan by the way. Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your time. My health question was this: my house is currently on fire. I accidentally put a frozen turkey in my deep-frying and it blew up. I’m pretty sure it will burn to the ground, because the kitchen and living room are already engulfed and the fire is showing no signs of stopping. Now my question was this: my wife’s cat is downstairs, a cat not a dog mind you, should I try to safe it? My wife is very hot, keep that in mind also. I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons. Please respond quick, because my house is burning down.
Warmly Yours,
Mitchell Porter
Hey Mitch,
Glad you like the posts, we really try our very best to bring readers like you new, funny content on a daily basis. Also, What do you think of our interviews? I think we’re really developing nicely as interviewers and I find myself actually enjoying listening back to myself, something that used to be an incredibly rare occurrence.
Now, without knowing what type of pussy you’ve got (I understand you have some time limitations here, but detail is really important in such cases), I would first tell you to ask your wife exactly how much she cares about this stupid thing. Then I would bring an old picture to the pet store and try to match it with a new one. I encourage you to watch the Ben Stiller classic “Meet the Parents” for details on this strategy.
Finally, you need to snap some naked pics of this supposed dime piece of yours. Advances in Internet technology make this request more than reasonable. What you’ll need is a digital camera, your naked wife, and an active Internet connection, which I assume you already have.
- SmartassRadio Advice Robot
PS – Pics. Now.
Dear SmartassRadio,
I’m a little embarrassed here, so I hope you don’t mind if I stay anonymous. I think I have a case of the blues. A serious case of the blues. I’m a quarterback for the National Football League, I even won the Superbowl in 2008. This season I didn’t do so good. Today we lost in the playoffs, even though we had a by last week and had home field advantage. The team’s defense also did terrific. But me? I sucked. I threw two interceptions, only fifteen complete passes and didn’t get a single touchdown. Now we’re out of the playoffs and I have a serious case of the blues. Please help.
Loserly yours,
Negative in New York
Eli.Manning@gmail.com,
Listen man, you can’t expect to win em all. You should, however expect yourself to perform in an adequate fashion. You’ve gotta get your shit together. I have a sneeking suspicion your older, more athletic, and funnier brother will be giving you a lot of shit about this one. Just remind him you’re the one playing in a big market and he’s stuck pulling his dick in Indiana. Also, buck up man. Stop writing to (medical) advice columns and start practicing. You think Donovan McNabb sat around last year bitching when they missed the playoffs altogether? Fuck no. He went and worked on those beautiful black pythons of his. You need to do the same. Also, grow a beard, you look like a 7th grader.
- SmartassRadio Advice Robot
Dear SmartassRadio,
I woke up this morning and the top of my head felt very strange. It’s kind of tingly, but not in a good way, it’s very irritating. I showered, but it’s still the same. I looked and there is no change in my hair or anything. It’s still tingly. I can’t think of anything else. I want to rake it lightly with my fingernails, because I think that would soothe it, but I don’t want to hurt myself. What should I do?
Desperately yours,
Anthony Dupree
Mr. Dupree,
To be completely honest with you, I have no idea what should be done about this. The thing is, the scalp is very sensitive and prone to tingles, so this affliction could be caused by any number of issues.
- SmartassRadio Advice Robot
Dear SmartassRadio,
I think I’m allergic to Krytonite and it is cutting in on my crime fighting abilities. What can I do?
Superly yours,
Clark
Hey Clark,
Are you the same Clark who works at the Daily Planet? If you are, I think your political cartoons are absolutely hysterical. Barack Obama? Eating a watermelon? How you come up with this stuff is beyond me.
OK, enough fawning. Sounds like your allergy is pretty acute. What I would recommend is sitting down with your doctor and discussing a plan which involves regular injections of Kryptoprene and some orally taken steroids. In fact, I know a great guy who could help you with exactly this. Dr. Luthor can be reached at his office on the 23rd floor of the LexCorp building. I must warn you, he has incredibly cold hands, but he simply cannot be topped when it comes to killing… err… I mean curing superheroes.. err.. I mean staff writers for newspapers of their fatal flaws… err… I mean allergies.
-SmartassRadio Advice Robot
Dear SmartassRadio,
When you make love with an animal, are there any negative medical side-effects? If not, what animals are most doable?
Bestially yours,
Petri Kosnovic
Petri,
I can’t decide if that name is male or female. I’m going to assume male, as this is an area I actually have some limited experience with. Firstly, you’re in a great position as the one doing the loving. As anyone who has ever operated a hypodermic needle can tell you, the thing that goes in and releases the juice is what does the damage. Now, about which animals are most doable, that’s not what you want. What you want is the animal that will give you the most pleasure. People have this idea that sheep are the best because anatomically most like human females. To this I say, what’s the point? If you’re going to bang an animal, why don’t you bang the least human animal there is. The easy answer would be an amphibian – croc, komono dragon, etc. However, I say the most extreme way to go is with the most majestic type of animal there is. Aves. (Birds). If you could bag an emu, I’d be astonished and you’d be insanely pleased. Trust me.
-DJ
Dear SmartassRadio,
I just turned 21 and now I want to get drunk with my buddies. I’ve tried everything, water, apple juice, breast milk, even urine. Nothing works. What should I do?
Soberly yours,
Brian Kennedy
Bricycle,
I’ll begin my answer with a few questions of my own. First, where do you live? Second, how much money is in your wallet/bank account right now? Third, Do you have any even mildly attractive female friends?
Now, I’ll impart knowledge with the most insane, tasty and exotic drink you’ll ever run over those little inexperienced taste buds of yours. It’s a little thing I like to call “Whiskey Beer”. You’re gonna want to get as much Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager you can get your hands on. Then, what I need you to do is get all that money together and bring it in a large sack with dollar signs on it to the scary part of town and locate a liquor store. You need to get the largest quantity of Old Grandad Kentucky Straight Burbon Whiskey. You want to mix four parts lager to every one part whiskey in a comically oversized glass. You’re gonna want to write this down, because after two of these bad boys, you’re going to forget everything you’ve ever known.
Let me know how this goes for you, and please don’t say I didn’t warn you about having the best time of your life.
-DJ
Dear SmartassRadio,
I am working to find American POWs in Vietnam. While in combat a piece of shrapnel got lodged in my lower right abdomen. I don’t have any medical supplies. All I have is a knife, a bullet and a small fire. How can I seal the wound and prevent infection? Please don’t sugar coat it.
Bleedingly yours,
John R.
You sound like a relatively reasonable and intelligent man, so I think I’ll let you figure it out yourself.
UPDATE:
John found the perfect way to solve his problem and decided to video-tape it. So, here it is, from our VCR, to your computer monitor:
I am the Grand Imperial Wizard of SmartassRadio.com. If you have any issues with the site - web issues, content complaints, requests of any sort email me: DJ[at]SmartassRadio.com
for John Rambo,
I have an infected eye, should i put gun powder in it and then light it on fire???