Hello dear readers,
I’m so sorry I have been gone so long. I just checked the stats and I have not updated since April 22nd, exactly one month ago. Why have I not updated in such a very long time? Well, there are several reasons, one of which is true: 1) I have been busy helping DJ design our new site layout, which should be released within the coming weeks 2) I have not had an internet connection or a working computer for several weeks and 3) It was the end of the semester and blogging will not take priority over school until DJ can start paying me.
But just because I haven’t been blogging doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about blogging. I have! Quite a bit actually. Look no further than my hilarious twitter account for proof of the wacky ideas I’ve been thinking. I’m such a loopy lad!
Well, on May 11th at precisely 7:50PM I let @SmartassRadio know that I would be writing a blog about Electabuzz and when I make a promise I keep it. So, after much ado, here is a blog entry that could possibly interest a very bored twelve year old a decade ago:
Hello, my name is Electabuzz and I’m an alcoholic.
I write this entry with the assumption that, like me, every member of generation Y has an encyclopedic knowledge of the first 150 pokemon. That being said, I think we can agree that of these 150 there are some very, very noticeable duds. Namely: Mr. Mime, Tangela, Doduo, Slowpoke, that other one and 120 others. However there were some that were particularly cool. What’s interesting is that all the cool pokemon are grouped together. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, but I’m obviously talking about #123 Scyther, #125 Electabuzz, # 126 Magmar and #127 Pinsir. I mean take a look at these guys:
Boom! You don’t want to mess with those guys! What happened to #124 you ask? Well that’s the mysterious girl pokemon Jinx, who sucks a lot* and undoubtedly tried to slut it up with the all-stars she stood next to. Also, in case you didn’t realize, I am now thinking of these four pokemon as a bad-ass crime fighting team.
I want to investigate these guys a bit more. Let’s look at Scyther first. What’s interesting about him is he doesn’t have any arms, which I imagine makes things very difficult for him. Hibachi cooking? Yes, no problem, but tying shoes, playing golf and caressing loved ones is much more troublesome when you have knives for hands. I mean we all know how that turned out for Edward Scissor-hands, am I right!! The reality is that Scyther doesn’t need arms because he’s a fucking cold-blooded killer (admittedly with a dumb voice as we learned in the episode “Showdown at Dark City” for which there a no youtube clips).
Next up in this fantastic four: Magmar. Look at that guy. Look at those hands. It’s as if he’s saying, “Hey, it’s me! Magmar! Forget about it!” HAHA. His tail is on fire, he has spikes all over the place and he shoots lava out of his face. Again, a killing machine. Also, apparently, he evolves into this fat lunatic somewhere down the line:
As far as Pinsir goes, I don’t think I even need to tell you how deadly he is. Look at his mouth. I’ll give you a close-up:
As for Electabuzz, still cool, but obviously the odd man out in the group. First indicator: the gigantic beer gut. I mean he pretty much is a beer gut. Electabuzz, subtitle, the electric beer-gut pokemon. Let me paint a picture for you: You get home from t-ball practice. You’ve got grass stains all over your leggings and you are just exhausted beyond belief. You go to your armoire to grab your bathrobe before heading to the restroom and who should pop out? An Electabuzz!!
Are you terrorized? I should add that, according to my pokedex, Electabuzz stands a formidable 3 feet 7 inches and weighs 66.1 lbs. I mean the other three aren’t too massive, but at least they’ve got some fucking spikes or fire coming at you. What’s electabuzz going to do? Flex embarrassingly? Really, if you’re going to be a fucking pokemon you should at least get in shape. I know I would! If Satoshi Tajiri came up to me and said, “Roy, we’re making you into a pokemon.” My absolute first thought would be to hit the gym. I mean honestly, is Electabuzz even looking in the mirror? He looks awful and you know he’s not doing anything about it. In the gameboy games he doesn’t do shit. For those who don’t remember (everyone?) Electabuzz fucks up the power plant and then…well he doesn’t do much else. Just fucks up the old power plant, maybe takes a nap, maybe gets a little fatter.
While I wasn’t writing blog entries (and I think its debatable to call what I have here a blog, so I guess I should keep trying) I did get some time to travel. In fact I made it all the way to a Lavender City bar. And in that bar who should I see but Scyther, Magmar, Pinsir and Electabuzz sharing a beer! Seeing Electabuzz there is what inspired me to write this entry. Let me retell the situation:
Scene: A local bar in Lavender City, dusk.
(Scyther, Magmar and Pinsir enter the bar followed by an obviously imbibed Electabuzz.)
Scyther: Scyther! Scyther! Scyther!
Magmar: Mag-mar. Mar. Magmar.
(Electabuzz falls to the floor and chips a tooth)
(The sober three drag Electabuzz to a booth and order a round of beers)
Pinsir: (speaking to Electabuzz) Pinsirrrrr. Pin. Pinsirr!
Scyther: (rubbing Electabuzz on the back, creating large gashes) SCYTHER!!!!!! SCYTHER!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jinx comes over and starts making out with Pinsir. She promptly gets her face bitten off)
Magmar: (laughing) Magmarmarmar. Magmar!! Magmarmarmarmar!!!
(Electabuzz throws up all over the table and inadvertently strikes the bartender with lightning. The barkeep immediately dies, of course)
Electabuzz: (covered with vomit) Electabuzz. Buzz. Electabuzzzzz…
(Electabuzz farts and electrocutes Pinsir, who then bites off Electabuzz’s face)
Scyther: (laughing) SCCCYYYYYTHERERRRRRR!!!!!! Scyther. Scyther. Scyther. Scyther.
(Scyther tries to cover his mouth to keep from laughing, but ends up cutting his face in half)
(Magmar farts and lights the booth on fire)
Magmar: (laughing) Magmarrr!!!! Marmarmarmar!!!! MAGMAR!!! (Magmar evolves, farts again and the bar explodes. Pinsir dies. The police arrive and shoot the newly evolved Magmar dead.)
So, yep, that’s what happened. I saw all four of those pokemon die and Electabuzz is a drunk.