Hello everyone, I hope you are having a terrific week so far, I know mine has been pretty mediocre. Today I wanted to address a topic which, while not really in my field of interest, I am oftentimes asked about. That topic is the sensitive issue of foreplay. For those who do not know, foreplay is a romantic activity. An activity popularized by Mr. James Bond. I know I’m typing to a diverse crowd. There are some people who are very open with their sexuality. Then there are other, less whorish, less sinful, people who are preserving the sanctity of their loins for holy matrimony. Today I won’t be addressing either one because I’ve invented something new; it’s called fore-foreplay.
Let’s break down the etymology. Fore-play means before play (in this case play means some kind of stimulation of an erogenous part of the human body). Now fore-fore-play is anything you do before the time before you begin to play. Easy, right?
Let’s look at an example. Meet Gabriel (meet him in your imagination). He’s your average American bachelor: charming, twenty-nine years old, dark brown hair, green eyes, wearing a business casual linen suit, canary yellow silk shirt, clear plastic tie, sipping a vodka-tonic, about six feet tall and three-hundred and forty-five pounds. Obviously, Gabriel can get any lady who walks in the room, but why jump the gun? Do all men really need to be so animalistic? Is going out to a club a time for relaxation and entertainment? Or are all the alpha males supposed to jockey for who can steal a kiss first? Am I right, ladies?
No, Gabriel isn’t concerned with intercourse. He’s not even thinking about the sensual time directly before intercourse. No way. Gabriel has his mind right where it needs to be: focused on the time before he considers to consider intercourse. Follow me? Gabriel is in the middle of fore-foreplay. How far in advance is he bothering to foresee? Who knows? Five hours? Five months? It’s not even on his mind. Gabriel is just enjoying his fore-foreplay.
Now what does fore-foreplay consist of? Well that’s an easy question, anything that comes prior to the next step in the process: foreplay. Any of that stuff is fore-foreplay!
Let’s check back with how Gabriel’s fore-foreplay is working out: Gabriel just got home from work. He’s a little sweaty so he has decided to take a shower (Fore-foreplay 101), after the shower he puts some clothes on and these clothes are a little bit nicer than his usual work clothes. After that Gabriel heats up an Elio’s Frozen Pizza and a can of kidney beans. Now, with his stomach full, Gabriel starts playing with the pinball machine in his basement. He keeps doing this for two hours while he listens through The Who’s Quadrophrenia. All the while he’s considering whether or not he should go grab some beers downtown with his work buddy, O’Neill. In the end he decides against it because he wants to try to go to the gym early the next morning; he hits the sack around 11:45 with Jay Leno on in the background.
That, my friends, is how you fore-foreplay. Taking a shower, wearing nicer clothes, eating food, relaxing, considering leaving your house, going to the gym, sleeping….these are all things that need to get done before foreplay. In other words, fore-foreplay.
What obviously arises at this point is the question: what would be considered fore-fore-foreplay. Logically, the term would be defined as the time before an individual begins to subconsciously consider the possibility of maybe beginning to consider to make any kind of move that could potentially under the right circumstances result in a romantic endeavor.
Fore-fore-foreplay is the psychological state most people are usually invested in. A list of activities considered fore-fore-foreplay is as follows:
-sleeping in a sleeping bag alone in a cold forest
-banging one’s head against a wall saying “dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit”
-writing humor blog posts three-days in advance for a single digit audience
-holding something that is too hot
-burping and farting as the same time
-opening a virus scanning on your personal computer while Q-tipping your ears.
-getting beat up in fourth grade
To illustrate my well-theorized point, let’s consider the sun to be sexual intercourse. Earth would be foreplay, nourished by the glow of the sun and the warmth of the sun’s ever present rays of blinding light. Fore-foreplay would be the moon. It is always revolving around the earth, but it never makes a physical connection (except for manned rocket (penis) adventures (sex) every seven years or so). Fore-fore-foreplay? I guess that would be a black hole. Even if sex (the sun) presented itself it would vanished.
And that, my friends, is how science works.