Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.
Here are the five men and my reason they were included:
Brad Pitt: Whenever you bring up good looking men, it seems he’s the basis from which we need to make our assessment, so it only seems fair we include Randy from Dallas.
Christian Bale: Murderous skydzophrenic in one movie, Batman in another – sounds hot to me.
Andy Samberg: I needed a young funny guy.
James Avery: You may know him best from his days as Phillip Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Anderson Cooper: Guy with grey hair – initially I included him as my “old guy”, however he’s three years younger than Brad Pitt, so that idea is shot to shit.
Like any good researcher, I need a control – in a clinical study this would be the idiot taking the sugar pill expecting his cancer to disappear. So, I went with someone objective, someone who is not (very) attracted to men – Roy. Here are his answers:
- Christian Bale: “After seeing American Psycho I’m a believer. Also, Batman is great.”
- Andy Samberg: “He looks like me.”
- Brad Pitt: “I just assume this should be the correct answer.”
- Uncle Phil: ”I don’t want to appear racist.”
- Anderson Cooper: “Reminds me of Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks.”
So, there’s our control. Everything here makes sense to me. (I didn’t initially see the Simon/Cooper connection, but then he let me borrow the kelidescope glasses he was wearing the only time he watched 360.) Now, instead of boring you with tons of data, I decided to change my technique halfway through this post and instead just ask one girl and one gay guy. The girl is our good friend Hope, who has been mentioned multiple times on the show as one of Roy’s and my top two friends and the gay guy is our friend Andrew, who has promised to appear on the show every semester for four years and has yet to do so. Here are the results. Both interviews were conducted on AIM.
- Christian Bale: ”b/c his computer generated batman voice is fuckin hot and he’s fuckin BATMAN“
- Anderson Cooper: “bc his hair i [sic] so shiny”
- Brad Pitt: “because he is charitable and great in thelma and louis but the moustache he has these days is bad news”
- Any [sic] Samberg: “b/c im assuming he can deliver a funny script moderately well if hes on SNL” [her first response was "who's andy samberg?" - ed.]
- Uncle Phil: “b/c he has to be last since he is a bald straight forward lawyer”
- Anderson Cooper: “incredibly hot, well spoken, the gray hair is such a plus, he’s just fine.”
- Christian Bale: “he was batman, and he was also in Newsies, and his muscles.”
- Brad Pitt: ”still super hot, but the angelina jolie + six kids is definitely a buzzkill.”
- Andy Samberg: ”cute, not the funniest on snl, but definitely hotter than uncle phil“
- Uncle Phil: ”…….. no.”
“So, we now have this valuable data, but what does it all mean DJ?!” Well, it means 5 things:
- Brad Pitt is now the third hottest guy in the world. Sorry, Rusty.
- Lists are easier to read and they fill up more space than a regular post.
- Gay males seem to know more about what they want and are better equipped to express such desires in reasonable terms than heterosexual females. Also, they like old guys.
- Batman costume = pussy/dick/both.
- My friends are latent racists.
There it is – absolutely undeniable proof that the effects of alcohol do NOT impair or change the way women recognize men as attractive or not. In fact, there is no way for anyone to determine who someone else finds attractive. Moreover, why would anyone want to know who or why anyone finds anyone else attracive? Personally, I think these researchers are the smartest people on earth. They managed to get some kind of funding to find out the best way to make themselves more attractive to women. Is it a wacky machine which runs on magical “cool juice?” No. It’s moderate drinking over long periods of time. They must be pretty psyched.