Frequently, I find myself envying the relatively talentless people talking to me on TV. Instead of coming to grips with the fact that the bullshit I mindlessly peruse during timeouts passes as legitimate entertainment, I usually just assume the clown spewing pure garbage and nonentertainment into my brain lucked into the gig, held the producer’s family hostage in exchange for the gig, or must have been a bona fide celebrity in a no longer relevant distant past. One person who actually doesn’t bother me so much is Guy Fieri. His show is pretty decent and he seems like a good enough dude. All in all, Guy Fieri probably doesn’t deserve the mockery I’m about to make of his appearance and personality.

Maybe he does.

I’m a guitar salesman and have been for the better part of a decade. One of my absolute favorite parts of the job are going to guitar shows, which are mostly populated with mom and pop stores and small manufacturers and builders generally doing good for the guitar playing community.There’s actually not really much of an air of competition so much as a pleasant community vibe going on. People just want to play new and better things and we’re all there to give it to them. It’s really fun and incredibly positive.

However, at every one of these events there is a group of guys wearing bowling shirts, Oakley sunglasses, gaudy rings with skulls on them and some sort of facial growth resembling sideburns. These jerks walk around like they own the place and buy what they think is the nicest stuff there (old Les Pauls and other junk that hasn’t been new or improved since 1963) with corporate money. Very few things irritate me more. Very few things would fit Guy Fieri better.

Guitar Center is the absolute antithesis of rock n’ roll. They’re a corporate entity whose sole allegiance is to their shareholders. You can tell me all day that Gibson or Fender only uses the finest rosewood for their fingerboards, but I know better. Same goes for whatever greasy shit is being served on this week’s featured restaurants on “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.” They’re not high end instruments, and it’s not gourmet food. Also, doesn’t having your own TV show automatically disqualify you from rocking? If not, I’m going to go ahead and motion to ban anyone with a TV show from all future rocking. Anyone care to second?

Not even approaching a state of “rocking.”

Really, this post is about how awful Guitar Center (and Gibson) is. I don’t think there’s a better time to bring awareness to this issue than right now, xmas-time. Please, for the love of satan, do not fall prey to the hawks that populate your local GC. You’re doing yourself, or your son (I’d say “or daughter, but c’mon…), a huge disservice. As stated above, their sole objective is to make their shareholders happy, which usually entails selling manufacturers they have exclusivity or beneficial deals with. Gibson.

Let me rant about Gibson for a minute, then I’ll end the post with a joke. Gibson has been cramming antiquated, faulty designs down our throats for years. They do so by sheer force of will and having deeper pockets than almost anybody. They put special instruments in the hands of their artists and then sell you lesser quality instruments that happen to look like the same ones Slash, Jimmy Page, Other Out-of-Date Rockstar, or the Jonas Brothers play. You know what the number one problem with the Les Paul is? If it falls off your stand, the headstock pops of. That’s right, THE FUCKING HEAD STOCK. POPS. OFF. This has been a problem since day one, but because old guys with money want the same piece of shit their hero supposedly played, they refuse to change it. I’ll end this rant with a video of their latest model being played by an old fat guy (their target demo):

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