How It Will Be When I Graduate College a Semester Early
When I graduate college a semester early things are going to be great. The first thing I’m going to do is cover the basics, ie: buy a house. I could probably move to Venice and get a little studio apartment or, maybe, a modest chateau along the French Riviera….but I think instead I’ll stay right where I am in New Paltz.
Well, not right in New Paltz. Once I’m a college graduate I won’t want to deal with the riffraff. My days of renting a room above, below or beside some cheapskate undergraduates are over. No, instead I’ll have a nice three story colonial built just on the outskirts of town. Painted lavender, burrowed right into the foothills of the mountains. The property will be large no doubt (I’ll be a college graduate after all, ha ha) and I’ll ride around it on a quad-bike, that way I don’t have to get tired and sweaty when going from the pool to check on the migrate-workers in my pepper fields. Not the vegetable. I want to harvest the spice. Just something I thought would be interesting. All my migrate-workers will love me though, because as they work I’ll bring them dixie cups of syrup as a special afternoon treat. They’ll respect me too because I’ll be wearing my suit of armor.
When I wake in the morning my maids will dress me. Then I’ll walk down my spiral staircase very slowly accompanied by a certain about of fanfare. As usual I’ll be wearing only my Indian headdress. Since dawn my butlers would have been working on juicing thousands of oranges, so I can enjoy a glass of OJ. I would then go to my lounge to write a short story or something for a couple minutes. Then I’ll mail it off to the publisher. It will get accepted no problem, since it was penned by a college graduate who graduated a semester early. Sometime in the afternoon the mailman will come with a check from Scholastic Books and I’ll kiss him on the cheek and make his day.
When I graduate college everyone is going to want to be my friend. Now I’m still too young to go party at bars, but when I graduate college a semester early, I’ll be throwing the parties and they are going to kick ass. I’m going to hang all sorts of Christmas light around my house and I’ll have tiki-lamps. My backyard (all five acres) will be crowded with my new friends and I’ll ride around on my golf-cart schmoozing with all of them. Some people might ask, “Roy what can we eat at your party”. Well, I’ll have all sorts of pizzas delivered to my house, with all different toppings so everyone is satisfied and they all love me. When I see my best friends I’ll go over to them and say something cool like, “Does anyone want one of these honey-mustard pretzel twists?” They will all laugh and respect me for having graduated early. Then I’ll say something like, “My friends love honey-mustard pretzels.” That way my friends will get insecure and think that now that I have graduated I have more friends (which will be true) and they’ll worry they are not my primary friends anymore, but rather my secondary or even tertiary.
When the party gets really loud, because the big band I hire is doing a particular upbeat number, someone might come over to me and say something like, “Roy, I know you graduated a semester early, but this party is getting a little rowdy. Should we quiet down? What about the cops?” I’ll just smile and gracefully rub there cheek with the back of my fingers. In a reassuring and collegiate voice I’ll say: we don’t need to worry about cops. I graduated a semester early. I fucking own the cops. She’ll smirk at me and let out the tiniest fart.
That’s how it will be when I graduate college a semester early.
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11/30/2008
Nice post u have here
Added to my RSS reader