How It Will Be When I Graduate College A Semester Late

Really, the only way I plan on graduating a semester late is if I get an internship at a particularly prestigious radio gig. With that in mind, this is all conjecture.

There are certainly a few things in my life that will change when I realize I have to spend another semester in the sleepy town of New Paltz, NY for another 4 months. Surely I’ll be a little jaded and probably a bit sick of drinking my face off every weekend and trying to meet freshman girls I’ll never see naked. Plus, getting financially cut off from my parents would probably suck.

Psych! Spending an extra semester seems like the most reasonable and logical thing I could possibly do. Why on earth would anyone want to leave college? There are a few pussy answers to this:

“My friends are all graduating” – Who gives a shit? Make new ones. It’s really not that hard, I promise. You’re old friends suck anyway… they’re gonna be bitching and moaning about their jobs and how hard the real world is, just like your aunts and uncles do now.
“I want to start my career” – Why? Do you really think you’re ready, after taking 3 Psych classes, Freshman Composition and a few Comm classes, to handle ANYTHING the assholes that make up the American work force is gonna give you? You’re not.
“I have to get started paying off my loans” – WHAT?! This sounds like complete horseshit. It’s gonna take forever, just push it off a little longer. It’ll totally be worth it.

Here’s what a day in the life of DJ Scully, Super Senior, sounds like to me:

10:00 AM – Wake up and give some freshmen wedgies on the way to my class.

11:00 AM – Talk to cutest girl on campus outside of our class.

12:00 PM – Find myself making out with said girl in bathroom. The professor who’s class I’m skipping might walk in and say something like “Nice to see you, Mr. Scully. Plan on attending class today?”

12:14 PM – Sheepishly walk back to class.

12:45 PM – Meet up with another cute girl for lunch where she tells me I really need to get my life on track.

5:00 PM – Go to mixer at a big frat.

Over the next few days I’ll go on a few zany adventures while finding out who I really am and coming to terms with the fact that it may be time to grow up. The Indian freshman I hired as a personal assistant might make a few hilarious faux pas before going on to becoming a stoner movie icon.

Meanwhile, the girl who inspired me to clean up will be dating the quarterback of the nearest private school’s football team. This guy is such an asshole and I just KNOW he’s cheating on Cute Girl… if there were only a way I could tell her.

On graduation day I’ll make my now broke parents proud, Cute Girl love me, my best friends inspired and the teachers glad they got through to me. AND IT ONLY TOOK SEVEN YEARS.

After graduating by the skin of my teeth, I’ll head home to little fanfare outside of my father, Brian Dennihy, congratulating me along with a warehouse full of his minimum wage, but very friendly employees. When pops dies shortly after getting remarried and I find myself in charge of selling 50,000 brake pads, I know it’ll be my time to shine (or at least not fuck things up).

With my smarmy little companion (Roy, I’m looking at you) busting my balls the whole way, I’ll find out what it is to make a sale. It will be discovered along the way that my new step mother and her slick son were actually not mother and son, but were banging on the side. It’ll be a startling revelation to say the least. Eventually, through some improvised terrorism, I’ll save the company and reconcile with the girl I love.

After I wrap up that story, I’ll go off on a few, varyingly better and worse, others. There’s a good chance I’ll be found over 400 lbs and dead of some kind of overdose and a nation of comedy lovers will mourn for weeks on end.

Like I said earlier, this is all based on whether or not I score an internship, but let’s face it graduating (especially any earlier than I have to) will blow, for sure.