How to Succeed in College Without Really Trying (part one)
In my case, university life has been a breeze, a carefree, leisurely jaunt, a brief sojourn into the academic, a soiree of sorts. I pulled off a major and minor, spent last Spring in London (for no reason other than to be in Europe) and I’ll be graduating with honors a semester early this December. How did I do it? Well, because I’m a fucking pro. Still, you might have hit some snags along the way. To help out all those who are still trudging through the collegiate mire, I have compiled a how-to guide. All this week I’ll be releasing helpful tips to ensure that you will be able to succeed in college without really trying.
TIP #1: CATER TO YOUR PROFESSOR’S PERSONALITY REGARDLESS OF YOUR PERSONAL BELIEFS.
Some may look at this tip and say, “Hey, there is no way I am going to curtail my own ideology just to get a better grade. Then I would just be whoring myself around. It’s hypocritical and it hampers the learning experience by reducing it to mere mimicry!!!” A fair, well-articulated argument, I admit, but do you want to prove yourself noble or just get your A+ and move on? I suggest the latter. To avoid guilt you can always convince yourself that you are “pulling one over” on your teacher or that you are learning to be more tolerant.
Regardless of what you think, this works. Ever have trouble getting into a class? Do a little research. Is the professor a neo-con? Maybe, you can wear your American flag vest when you visit his office hours. Are they still stuck in the Beatnik generation? A spritz of pachouli isn’t going to kill you. Or maybe it’s a class on Indian philosophy? All I’m saying is this: face-paint.
See you can have fun with this. Think of yourself as a secret undercover agent in the world of academia! Yay!
Once you gain access to the class the real trickery can begin. Fastest way to get an F: disagree with your teacher during a class discussion. This is doubly true if they are over 50 years old. I don’t want to generalize too much here, a little in-class debate is all good, but everyone has seen the kid who just wants to prove the teacher wrong. Sometimes they’re right. Sometimes they’re an asshole who just wants to undermind their professor and prove themselves “above” their fellow peers. Listen, if you are reading this site you are obviously a smart person. Everyone can prove a professor wrong at some point. This is doubly true if they are an associate/adjunct. But, what is the purpose of doing so? Best case scenario: the professor agrees with you and you can give yourself a little, insignificant pat on the back. Still, the next time they’re grading your paper they might take it upon themselves to prove you wrong. People don’t forget.
No matter what the subject, the professor is always trying to instill some idea on the student. Let’s say you are in basic “History of Jazz” class. For the past two months your teacher has been telling you about how Nat King Cole (coolest name ever) revolutionized music as we know it. Now maybe you disagree, maybe you favor Benny Goodman or Coltrane. Well, who gives a fuck what you think. Just accept it- in the context of this class Nat King Cole is on top. Now what I have never understood is this: the final exam comes and you get this essay question, “Some say Nat King Cole revolutionized jazz music. Do you agree or disagree? Why or why not?” I cannot stress enough how important it is to please, please, please, please, please just agree. You are not going to change your professor’s opinion in a double-sided sheet of spiral notebook looseleaf.
My advice: do what’s best. And if you are in the classroom whatever your professor beliefs is best…at least for that hour and fifteen minutes, after that you can turn your brain back on.
[ad]
