If Food Network Were Sold to a Tacky Porn Site
In today’s economy, I find it hard to believe that a TV channel like Food Network is able to keep all of its current programming and exist as a channel (although if there are even a thousand bored college students like me, they should have no trouble through January). Once January’s over, though, they’ll have to trim some fat (shoot me on-sight if you see me). Hopefully that fat will land itself in a place where it can grow into something immoral and mostly devoid of cooking advice. A tacky porn site. These are my ideas for the big switch:
Good Eats
The perfect show for oral-sex enthusiasts. Host Alton Brown will deliver overacted, overly wordy and out-of-breath directions to the cast and crew from behind the hand-held camera. Not only will this be better for the viewer (not seeing him), but it will be better for his self image. Now, dressing like a closeted gay serial killer will make perfect sense.
Big Daddy’s House
Unfortunately, Aaron McCargo, Jr. (my favorite host) will have to play down even further to his new, even more racist, white audience. Fortunately for him, it will be in the form of banging young, desperate-for-cash women and not making pseudo-ethnic “man meals”.
Barefoot CUNTessa (formerly Barefoot Contessa)
The best thing about this series is that Ina Garten already possess the on-screen emotional range of an 18 year old dyslexic high school drop out, which is just perfect for cheap porn! The only real difference is it will totally watchable now. Maybe.
Giada’s Weekend Getaways
The only soft-core set in the new format. This writer is willing to bet the big-headed network “hottie” probably looks better with her clothes still on for most of the show. Giada is kind of like the hot girl at work. She wouldn’t be that hot if it weren’t for the context (Paula Dean and Ina Garten). Surely, someone else could be found who doesn’t over pronounce Italian words and whose head would actually fit in ‘Lil John’s baseball cap.
Ask Aida
Nothing will change except Aida will be naked in an apron.
Whore Houses, Strip Clubs and Adult Bookstores (formerly Diners, Drive-ins and Dives)
Guy Fieri gets the chance to show his true colors. The downside – Friday’s will want nothing to do with him anymore. The upside – he’ll be forced to change his “Steve Harwell in the mid-nineties” look to something that won’t get his ass kicked. I hope you own something other than bowling shirts, asshole.
01/10/2009
man, i cant believe you left out that tiny girl with huge boobs from everyday italian
01/10/2009
isnt that giada?
01/28/2010
What’s up with Guy Fieri and Diners, Drive-ins and Dives not visiting Colorado yet? He’s
been to Alaska and Hawaii so maybe he’s got a beef with Colorado or something. Either way,
the show keeps small business going so keep up the good work my man.
01/02/2011
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