It’s A Little Outrageous That The Stores Attached To Bowling Alleys Are Called ‘Pro-Shops’
I passed a bowling alley today and noticed that attached to the building was a very interesting looking store. It was called the “Pro Shop.” Now, I consider myself to be a pro in most aspects of life so, naturally, I walked inside to see what was the dealio (pro-talk for ‘situation’). Much to my chagrin (pro-talk for the sudden embarrassment upon realizing I am a bowling ball store ) I found that I was not in a pro store, I was in a bowling ball store. Whoever came up with the audacious idea to start calling bowling ball suppliers “pro” must have been a real marketing genius, but I think its high-time that this practice be ended.
There are only two pro things about this picture
I’ll start off by discussing what it means to be a pro. Actually, let me start by saying what it means to not be a pro. A pro does not play his sport inside a building were you can also purchase chili fries and play an X-Men arcade game. A pro does not have pasty skin adorned with gold chains. A pro does not wear any variation of a bowling shirt. A pro does NOT own his own set of bowling shoes.
So, what is a pro? I’ll give you some situations: Once I came home from teaching and DJ had bought me a roast beef sandwich. DJ was a pro. Once Luke suggested that we go walk around outside and grab some sodas, because it was such a nice day out. Luke was a pro. Once I brought a toilet cleaner and cleaned the toilet in the apartment. I was a pro. Do you see what’s happening here? Pros know how to get things done. They are generous and surprise you with gracious offers. They like to go outside and enjoy things like fresh air, exercise and beautiful vistas. They get shit done, but still know how to enjoy themselves. That’s what a pro does.
I went into this “pro-shop” to take a look at what kind of pro materials they had for sale. To summarize, the pro-shop sold bowling supplies: bowling bags, bowling gloves, bowling shoes, bowling bowl polish, bowling magazines, bowling instructional video cassettes. They also sold more unusual bowling supplies: nacho cheese, moustache combs, divorce papers, pine tree air fresheners, Ruby Tuesday coupons and Xanex. Of course, the main product being sold was bowling balls.
They had every ball you could imagine: One ball, two balls, red balls, blue balls, black balls, blue balls, old balls, new balls, some were red and some were blue, some were old, some were new, some were sad and some were glad, and some balls were very, very bad. Why were the balls sad and glad and bad? I don’t know, go ask your dad. Some balls were thin and some were fat. The fat ball came with a yellow hat. From there to here, from here to there, funny balls were everywhere. Some had two holes and some had four. Some had six holes, some had more. Some were fast and some were slow. Some were high and some were low. Not one of theme was like another. Don’t as me why, go ask your mother.
So, yes, there was a very varied display of bowling balls. Lots of those bowling balls (particularly the very, very bad ones, the thin ones, the six-holed ones and the slow ones), I thought, were bad investments. Still somehow this pro-shop was staying in business. They also sold Cheetos, so I imagine they stayed open thanks to that. The Cheetos sales.
*Side note: if you don’t find this funny, I’m sorry. My dad is watching a Dane Cook special in the same room and I can’t compete with this guy.
Let me talk about what a pro-shop should be like. First off, a pro-shop would always have some kind of special. A nice surprising special too, one that is so nice it catches you off guard. For example, free French onion dip with every purchase. Whoa! This place is pro. How about this: comfy chairs. The bowling pro-shop had no chairs. That’s not a pro, that’s a con. Here’s another one: pink lemonade. Just a small addition, but it would make the shop more pro.
The bowling pro-shop could also use much better lighting. A real pro-shop would have a sun roof, also a beer garden. Maybe some cute cashiers. Oh, also a rock wall. A pro-shop should have a rock wall. As well as a children’s reading nook. The opportunity for civil war era portraits should also be presented.
I like to go on hikes, so inside the pro-shop there should be a wilderness trail. Preferably vanilla scented. Pretty pro. High-fives galore. I think Wayne Brady should work at the pro-shop. I’m not saying that Wayne Brady is pro (he’s not really), but getting to meet Wayne Brady in a shop would be pretty pro. Oh, two for one soft shell tacos (obviously) pro.
You know what? The pro-shop could still sell all that useless bowling stuff, but it should also sell other more pro things, like pink lemonade, beer cozies, rowboats, and soft blankets. The atmosphere is a big part of it. The pro-shop would have some David Bowie playing, some Neil Young…free samples of deep dish pizza, pretty pro. Shag rugs, why not?
That’s how I pictured the pro-shop when I went in. The pro-shop should be an oasis in a world of crud. A wide variety of bowling products is not pro. It’s not anything. It’s just a bowling shop. Call the bowling shop the bowling shop. When they can mix together Chinese food, a barber shop, a record store, the great outdoors, a nap and mini golf, then we’ve got a pro-shop. Until then, let’s stop lying.
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