Long Division or “Why Roy is A Drunken Idiot”
I’m a genius. Pheew. I’m glad I got that off my chest. It’s true. I’m pretty fantastic at pretty much anything. Unfortunately, one thing that I am not so swell at is mathematics. I know, hard to believe right? Well, it’s true. I really hardly know how to do any math at all. Basic addition maybe, but my skill levels end there. Consequently, I’ve found it necessary to enroll myself in the tutoring program at my college. I met with my tutor for the first time today. Our first lesson? Long division. I don’t know if you have ever heard of this stuff. I’m not sure if its considered calculus or trigonometry, but its pretty tough. Needless to say, being the math-novice that I am, I found it very confusing.
I walked into the tutoring center feeling confident believe it or not. I had just eaten a ton of pulled-pork, worked out at the gym and stepped on a rabbit, so my adrenaline was on overdrive. My tutor was also very gracious and inviting; initially I assumed the session would go off without a hitch. Boy was I wrong!
We started with all the basics. Hello, how are you? Can you sign this form? Blah, blah, blah. My adrenaline levels were plummeting and I was getting more and more anxious. Naturally, I popped a Xanax and excused myself to the bathroom were I was stricken with diarrhea for the next 45 minutes.
With a quarter of an hour left in the meeting my tutor (her name was Oxbarf, btw) began her lesson. We started with what she deemed an “easy problem”:
If you have 64 apples and divide them by 8 people, how many does each person get?
Are you fucking kidding me? This is bonkers. In fact, I said that right to Oxbarf’s face. I said, “Listen Oxbarf, are you bonkers? Because this is bonkers!” She looked puzzled, so I elaborated. When in my life will I ever, ever, EVER have 64 apples. Do you realize how many apples that is? It would take me literally, bare minimum, at least, 64 days to eat that many apples. That is a long time for the doctor to be away! 64 apples?! It’s just insane, Oxbarf! I could make enough apple sauce to feed a small person for 64 days with that many apples. To be honest Oxbarf, 64 apples is just a shit-ton too many apples. Listen. Nobody. I mean no self-respecting human being wants 64 fucking apples. They don’t even want to deal with them. Add, subtract, multiply, divide? None of it. You give me 64 apples and you know what I’ll do? I’ll tell you to get the fuck away, because my temper is boiling and your 64 apples just made things a hell of a lot worse. So, you know what Oxbarf? I don’t care what the fuck you do with those 64 apples. Divide them any which way you want, but don’t come bringing you shitty ass dozens of apples over to my orchard, because, honestly, I don’t give a fuck.
So, the session ending in a bit of a downer, but I don’t really care. Oxbarf was a whore, apples or no apples.
(I wonder if people can realize which entries I write while drinking and which I write sober…)
DJ here (Roy won’t know this is written until he reads it on the site. He’s out at the bar and I’ve hacked into the mainframe of his open, password-free laptop)
Roy, it is not only apparent which posts are written drunk, it’s embarrassing. So, since I can’t post this as is, I’ll finish this thing for you.
A single question contained in your section of the post really struck me. When in your life will you need 64 apples? I’ll tell you, mister. You’re gonna want 64 apples for when your eight kids each have eight teachers in high school (I’m going on the assumption you’ll somehow produce four sets of twins who will all be high school age at the same time). That’s simple long D, dude. Actually, it’s more exponent than anything, since I knew 64 was a perfect square (yeah, off the top of my head, “genius”).
You’re telling me that preparing Melinda, Ronnie, Mike, John, Stacy, Tendercrisp, DJ and Tracy each with enough apples for their teachers on the first day of class isn’t one of the most basic duties you, as a parent, will be prepared for? I should hope not. And when these eight angels are brought to the orchard and pick out 22lbs of average sized apples, you’re going to deny them the right to have them in your immediate possession? (If you’re following along with the long division theme, an average apple is 5.5 oz which, when multiplied by 64 is 352 which, when divided by 16 (oz. in a lb.) gives you 22lbs).
Shame on you, Roy, for lacking the foresight to understand the importance of this lesson Oxbarf was trying to teach you. But, you were too busy getting fucked up on Xanax and throwing up to realize it. Get your shit together, man.
Also, readers, Roy writes everything in WordPerfect, which sucks dick. This has been so difficult. Download OpenOffice, you ass.
01/31/2009
yea. and also, roy “doesn’t like” chocolate. what a douche.