I get a ton of subscription emails from AdAge.com. I was told it would help in my Advertising Campaign Management class this semester, and gee whiz it has. It’s also opened my eyes to a world of marketing I’ve never known – that of test marketing. Today I opened up an email and quickly read something about a new McDonald’s Big Mac. Now, I don’t know about you, but to me the Mac is one of those rare sandwiches for which I will occasionally actually get an attack. Coincidentally, Roy linked me to the following picture about five days ago:

Take a good long look, my friends. You’re laying eyes not a Big Mac, but Japan’s MEGA MAC.

Needless to say, I was very excited about the prospect of sinking my mildly rotted teeth into not two, but FOUR all beef patties, special sauce, blah blah blah. My mind was flooded with questions: Is McDonald’s open at 9:30? How fast can I ride my bike the mile uphill to get there? Why do I have an erection? Why is Roy looking at me so weird? My God, am I sweating?

And as soon as I clicked on the link about the new Mac I was greeted with the following half assed one liner:

McDonald’s might have to come up with a new “two all-beef patties” jingle for its newest product.

Oh Jesus, “two” is one syllable and so is “four,” what could the writer possibly mean? Why did I stop reading mid-paragraph to ask such things? And it continued:

The chain is testing the Snack Wrap Mac, which puts a new spin on the old classic: half a beef patty, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions — wrapped in a flour tortilla.

What?! Half a beef patty? On a tortilla? You’ve got to be kidding me, Ronald. You put all that effort into making perhaps the pinnacle of fast food garbage, feed it to the Japanese, and yet as the most obese nation on the face of  the earth, you hand us a half a burger on a tortilla? I think I would be more satisfied eating a small earthworm. You guys just are not using your heads.

I’m all for diversity and what have you, but where is your dignity? Tortillas should be filled with any combination of the following things:

• Ground beef
• Refried beans
• Cheese
• Whatever’s left in the fridge
• Tomato products of any kind
• Sour cream
• Maybe some guacamole
• Lettuce
• Not Big Macs

I know what it is. You’re afraid you’ll get crucified by health nuts and diet obsessed assholes all over the country. You know what I say to that? Fuck em! You know what you’re doing. They told Nikola Tesla he was crazy, and you know what he did? He built a machine capable of destroying everything within 200 miles all free hand with no notes or calculations done anywhere but in his head. The only restraint to its awesome power was the actual curvature of the earth. They’re telling you you can’t put four patties on a bun? You need to go apeshit. Hear me out. Double Mega Mac. That’s right. Everything is twice as thick. Add bacon and onion rings on top. Voila! Total cost to you? $.32.

You better act now, guys, because Pizza Hut is about to push you right out of the market with this nipple hardening delight:

This is a real thing called a “Double Roll” – a pizza with four hamburgers on it, some kind of crazyJapanese vegetables, and a crust which is half cocktail wieners and half mozzarella sticks. Take a second to think about that. Then write a letter to Pizza Hut telling them how often you would eat one of these. I said at LEAST once a week.

What’s perhaps most maddening about this entire ordeal is the ludicrous notion that in order to truly experience the full benefit of good old fashioned American ingenuity, I have to go to Japan. Unreal.

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