Hello again, Smartass radio’s Michael Jackson correspondent Megan Riebesell here, just checking in to follow up on the status of our dearly beloved. As we all could have predicted, not even MJ’s passage into eternity could ease the controversy that besieged him all his life. Back here on earth, we are still picking away at every morsel of flesh that our ugly beaks can scrape off his bones. People are still making careers out of revealing any kind of sensitive information they can dig up in his wake, so-called “artists” are still depending on his legacy for their own shot at celebrity or capital, and the fat, greedy vultures of the world are still milking his hard-earned masterpieces for every pathetic cent they can steal. However, do not fret, I am here to remind everyone that Michael’s pure soul, which was always too powerful to be contained by a simple human body, has finally reached its proper ranking among the gods, as an immortal presence. Of course, Michael’s kingdom in the great beyond is immune to the commotion of silly, frantic scavengers still chirping his name down here. Rest in assurance, MJ smiles down on all of his children still, giggling at our antics.
That being said, skimming through Jacko’s most recent controversy was actually a pretty hilarious and of course bizarre venture. Where do I even begin?
Well, first off, at a recent auction, a single sequined glove worn by MJ on his Bad tour was sold for $330,000.
And if you visit MichaelJackson.com THE OFFICIAL MICHAEL JACKSON STORE you will find a plethora of similarly ridiculous items being rapidly produced and desperately marketed. For starters, there’s this:
You’ve probably seen commercials for it on your televisions.
“IMMORTAL.” A world tour endorsed by the Jackson Estate and put on by Cirque Du Soleil. There, I said it. Please, anyone who is reading this if you ever see me in person, do not remind me that this exists.
phew, thanks dude.
Hi! Anyyyway where was I? Ahh, Michael Jackson’s much anticipated posthumous album “Michael.”
With beautiful album artwork by Kadir Nelson, who who was commissioned to illustrate the highlights of Michael’s entire career in oil paint. As you can see here, Michael’s apparition appears several times among all walks of life, from bears to butterflies, tigers, monkeys, zombies, etc. Michael’s foreground image is adorned in a regal suit of golden armor, as he touches his own heart with a sparkling three hundred thousand dollar glove. In the background, UFOs float around his head, dark robotic camera formations flash in space behind him, and two naked babies—I mean cherubs, crowning him. All the while, MJ stares directly at the observer with an all knowing Buddha’s expression. I couldn’t have put it better myself, Mr. Nelson.
Unfortunately, this album reeks of fraudulence, and its very existence seems to contradict everything Michael worked for his entire life. Containing some songs that never made it past the demo stages during the Thriller era, several groggy half-made tracks recorded in the later years of his life, and a few less-than-inspiring duets with random big names from today’s top hits, “Michael” is by no means a masterpiece. And in the tradition of MJ, who was a psychotic perfectionist, one can see why it took his death for this shit to hit the public. But don’t worry, it gets weirder.
First of all, the more recently made tracks were recorded in some random family’s basement in Franklin Lakes, NJ. The Cascio family, who just appeared on Oprah today, were apparently MJ’s secret “second family” who he has visited for over 25 years. The family spoke openly for the first time about their relationship with Michael, saying that he mentored their children and taught them music since they were as young as 5 years old. Now, Eddie Cascio, one of these children, is listed as co-writer on 3 of the tracks off of “Michael.” The Oprah episode featured home videos and photos of Michael staying with the family, and of the basement recording studio (no doubt paid for by MJ, if these shenanigans are really true) where select songs off “Michael” were recorded 2007, and where Michael was apparently hiding out for some of 2007. Mrs. Cascio, a not-so-hot Housewives of NJ wannabe, says that Michael even slept there for some time on a mattress in the basement.
Additionally, there are a few tracks where MJ collaborates with artists such as Lenny Kravitz, 50 Cent, and Akon (or was he was born, Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Badara Akon Thiam). All of the aforementioned stars of course claim that MJ approached them for a duet before he died, and they of course had to just add the finishing touches after his passing for the release of this album. Regretfully, some of these tracks leaked out before they were officially released, and all I can say is, boys, this would NEVER have happened if Michael were here.
The first single off the album, “Breaking News,” has aroused MJ’s own immediate family members to furiously TWEET their suspicions that the singer on the track IS NOT EVEN MICHAEL! GASP! What? An imposter? Could it be? Yes, probably. If we consider the lengths to which people went to scam on MJ’s fortune while he was alive, it is only to be expected that mofos are going to go crazy as ever now that he can’t even defend himself in court. SONY, along with the Michael Jackson estate (which is comprised of MJ’s entertainment lawyer and music executive John McClain) hired forensic audiologists to test the a cappella vocal tracks of the songs, and “proved” that the singer is truly Michael Jackson. Convinced? Me niether.
Upon further research, it was brought to my attention that there is someone called Jason Malachi who sings and dances exactly like Michael Jackson. In fact, a few years back in 2007, this white Italian sing-a-like tried releasing his own music, which only sparked rumors that it was actually MJ singing on his material. Critics went so far as to conspire that Jason Malachi actually WAS Michael Jackson singing under an alter-ego, which may as well have been an anagram for his own name. On Jason’s MySpace you will find this video of Malachi singing and dancing exactly like MJ. He even steals the exact glass-breaking sound effects off of MJ’s song “Scream.” Online you can find other songs recorded by Malachi that features vocal stylings sounding stupidly similar to MJ’s.
So my fellow MJ admirers, listen to “Breaking News” for yourself and decide if you really believe it is the real Michael singing.
Personally, I am unable to decide whether this is really him or not. Do I believe that SONY and the MJ estate would conceal an imposter to get their last million dollar record out of the King of Pop (bless his soul)? Obviously. Just like Akon would probably castrate himself if he thought it would land his name next to Michael Jackson’s on a single, I believe that the remaining beneficiaries to the Michael Jackson Goldmine would go to great lengths to make this last album, even if that means they paid Jason Malachi themselves to sing on the album. Is it also a possibility that in his last years of life, while Michael was self-medicating with more prescription drugs than most 50 year old men could even swallow, he might have lost some of the passion that made his voice incomparable to any other? Easily. So what can we make of all of this? Who the fuck knows. Am I horrified? Absolutely. But none of this indecipherable media-babble actually means anything when you have faith in the real Michael Jackson. The gifts he gave us were genuine and authentic; more valuable than anything the MJ estate can sell to us from this point on. He gave humans material that was of a different essence than we had ever heard or felt. He enlightened those of us who lived during his legacy, and as long as you remember to thank him every day like I do, we won’t have to worry about any of this ridiculous other stuff. Cuz seriously this shit is wack. Amen.