Michael Phelps and 4 Other Olympians I Would Love to Party With
I’m sure by now you’ve seen the following picture. If you haven’t, it’s 14 time gold medal winner Michael Phelps taking a rip from a really nice looking bong. Of course, instead of crucifying the 23 year old party animal, maybe Americans should take a look at how apparently NOT bad for you smoking pot is. Clearly, this guy is no amateur. But that’s besides the point. I’m not gonna sit here and preach my drug-related politics. I’m here to bring the funny. So I present a list of five Olympians I would love to party with.
One can only imagine the monstrous rip those Olympian lungs can take. Fuck yeah.
Some of the most notorious partiers have been Olympic atheletes. Actually, I made that up. The following dudes and dudettes can surely tie one on though.
5. Michael Phelps
All accounts point to him being a total asshole, but it’s always fun to go toe to toe with someone bigger and in better physical shape than me (which is clearly something that doesn’t happen too often). Phelps, if you’re reading this – I hereby challenge you to a chugging contest. I’m the second best beer drinker in New Paltz, which means I rank about third all-time (I’ve got my eye on you, Danny Devito). Then we can get high and see who can take in the most calories. If the conditions are right and I have enough money, I’m willing to bet I can easily knock off your 12,000 calorie milestone. In one sitting. At Burger King.
4. Peekaboo Street
I actually referenced her a few days ago after wasting my time seeing Slumdog Millionaire. The reference was almost completely lost on my entire group of six. I don’t know why, but I feel like she was on the cover of every Sports Illustrated for Kids issue from 1994-1996 (her prime years). She only won two golds, two silvers and a bronze during her Olympic career, but she was everywhere – Chap Stick commercials, X games promos, you name it – she was there. And she was (and hopefully still is) really cute.
3. Ryan Lochte
This guy’s had to put up with so much. I’m sure he’s not exactly crying over his three gold medals, one bronze and one silver, but fuckin’ a swimming alongside a dolphin must really take the wind out of your sails. Plus, I bet he’s a way cooler guy than Michael Phelps. With a nickname like “The Lochtenator” (was “Lochte Ness Monster” taken?), I bet he can throw back a few. Also, that curly surfer hair tells me he’s not the only one who knows how to operate a “pot pipe”
2. Ben Roethlisberger
You show me someone who can drunkenly crash their motorcycle into the side of an 18 wheeler without a helmet and win two Super Bowls and I’ll show you potentially the greatest Olympian ever.
1. Mark Spitz
I remember this guy being angry as hell the entire time Michael Phelps was tearing ass this summer. In my book (which is actually a collection of assumptions based on movie cliches), washed up = alcoholic. I bet Mark Spitz can drink a bottle of Jack and, if he doesn’t drown, still be competitive in the water. Seven gold medals at a single Olympics is nothing to laugh at. Unless you’re really high and have won eight.
