Movie Reviews with Your American Hero Peter Paul Marsh III: The Outlaw Josey Wales
So the movie begins with Mr. Wales farming the land with his son, when suddenly Mrs. Wales calls for the boy to come into the house. NEXT, all heck breaks lose. The damn Union soldiers come, murder his family and burn his home to the griizzzound. Josey makes a pathetic attempt to save his family that can only be compared to Tony Romo’s last outing against the Eagles and he, Josey, not Romo is cut across the face with a sword leaving him scared for life and he passes out. He wakes up to find his son well-done, having been burnt alive, and his wife dead.
After burying his family, a couple of rebel soldiers roll up on their Chevy horses, one horse power each, and ask Josey to join the gang. Josey had been training a little before joining the rebels, however soon he becomes one of the most feared outlaws of the South. After the war concludes, Josey refuses to surrender and keeps up with his slaughtering of the damn Yankees, sort of like when Pedro Martinez laid the smacketh down upon Don Zimmerman. (just for u DJ, can I get a picture of that for the movie review, lol, f*@# the Yankees!!!!!!!!) However the other outlaws reluctantly surrendered. Right as these proud men are surrendering, comes one of the most badass, or for the sake of smartassradio.com, most METAL things I have ever seen. Their rebel leader has sold them out, Josey sees this and comes out of bushes with his horse to take on 30 or more union soldiers single-handedly. He shots a couple down, dodges bullets and gets into a buggy that has a hand cranked machine gun. Josey unleashes all Heck.
Josey is able to save one of his wounded comrades and they high tale it out of there. Josey continues to run and kills anyone along the way that he doesn’t like, that’s just how Josey rolls son. His friend eventually dies and then Wales heads to an Indian reservation, where he and the Native Americans share a hatred for the American Government. He makes an Indian friend and they decide to move to Mexico, the promise land for outlaws of Americans. This Indian dood is really old but is totally cool, he’ll later go on to nail a hot young Indian girl where Josey walks in on and the old dood says, “I quess I’m not that old”, mad classy.
But as my disclaimer said in my first movie review, I don’t like to give away movies and I have to tell you things in this movie only get better which involve bounty hunters, Josey killing cops, a really hot underage girl, and Josey coming face to face with the man who murdered is family. So I would like to change my rating system. No longer will it be 1 to 10, but from here on out we or ME will rate on a system of Metal. The worse will be Base Metal, followed by Ferrous Metal, followed by Noble Metal, and concluding with the grand Precious Metal, with plus and minuses in-between. IF THAT’S NOT METAL, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS. So The Outlaw Josey Wales receives the honor of Precious Metal +. Alrighty doods I’m gonna go get drunk and pick up some ladies, Payce out crackas!
Your American Hero,
Peter P. Marsh III
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