My Ideal Girl
Anyone who knows me knows that I do not settle for anything less than the absolute best. I won’t eat re-heated pizza, I only wear black socks and I would never co-host a radio show unless I knew that my fellow host was an individual of exemplary moral fortitude. Of course, the same goes for my choice in female companions. This is how I envision my dream girl…
Yes, in many ways (actually all ways) my dream girl is similar to this girl from a mid-90′s Doritos commercial. To simplify it down to specific criteria: my dream girl with eat Doritos all the time AND will be so hot that she activates fire alarms when she walks into a room.
The best part about this prospect is I would have free Doritos all the time! I don’t know who is supplying this babe with the latest and greatest in Dorito technology, but it would mean only good things for whoever she is hanging out with. Imagine getting to eat delicioso Doritos morning, noon and night! For breakfast, some Cool Ranch, lunch you get a mix of Bleu Cheese and Chicken Wing flavor, and for dinner Jalapeno with original on the side. A perfect diet and a perfect lady.
And lets not forget the most astonishing attribute of this lovely lady, her ability to activate smoke alarms. How does she do it? I don’t know. Does she smell like smoke? Does she admit some kind of frequency that tampers with the smoke alarms integrity? Or is she just that hot? I’d like to go with the latter. Imagine being so good-looking that wherever you go, you make the smoke alarms go off.
Actually, now that I do think about that, it kind of sucks… You are going to be all wet and/or evacuating buildings all day. How can you ever get anything done? You can drive places sure, but as soon as you get to any location with any type of safety feature you have to skedaddle before all hell breaks lose.
I mean this Doritos chick certainly does not have any kind of college education actually she probably doesn’t have any education post-high school. (I’m guessing in middle school she still wasn’t hot enough to have her current powers). I guess it is possible that she went to some special academy for the very hot.
This now makes me think that maybe she is an X-man, or in this case X-person. Is my ideal girl an X-man? Are my expectations that high? I can’t believe it. Actually, I’m a little ashamed. Here I am, just your average guy, and I have the audacity to believe I can get with an X-man. I have to just look myself in the face and say, “Listen bucko, you are never going to get a girl like that. Ever.” I take it all back, my ideal is definitely not the Doritos mutant supermodel. That is just asking for too much. It would never happen. Jeez, what was I thinking. I guess I’ll just stick with Rihanna.
Have a terrific weekend, I know I am.
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