My Multiple Personality Disorder And How It Relates To The Character Roster of Super Smash Bros. For Nintendo 64
Wow! Long time, no see! Right? Am I Right? (Rhetorical).
Hope everyone had a great weekend, I know I did. What was particularly fun about my days off was the amount of psychotherapy I was able to fit in. Most weekends I literally get ZERO psychotherapy done, but this weekend I was able to get a whole bunch. Truth be told, I think I’ve come to a breakthrough. My therapist has diagnosed me with multiple-personality disorder. Boring right? (Rhetorical). I thought the same thing, until she explained further: I don’t just have two or three personalities. I have twelve…and they each correspond to one of the playable characters from the original Super Smash Bros. video game for Nintendo 64.
Which personality to choose…
Harry Hug (my therapist) filled me in on the entire thing. I’ll try to summarize it the best I can:
Fox McCloud: My typical personality is akin to that of space-pilot Fox McCloud. The initial similarities are convincing enough: both small and fast, both Irish, both gun carriers. The list goes on. Look at how our friends correspond: Fox has the ego-driven, smartass Falco Lombardi, the clumsy dork Slippy Toad and the spaced-out Peppy Hare. I have the ego-driven, smartass DJ Scully, the clumsy dork Patty O’Leary and the spaced-out Frank Lemke.
Personality characteristics: Level-headed, Reserved, Furry
Link: My next personality comes to life when I’m on the job. I’m an English tutor and teacher and when I’m in the classroom I have to make sure my students are making the cut. That’s why I bring a gilded broad-sword to my bi-weekly lessons. If some delinquent acts up I simply fall from sky, crouched in a kneeling position, and land on them sword first. It’s a little move I like to call “Sword-down.”
Personality characteristics: Authoritative, Intense, Mythical
Yoshi: Dinosaurs rock.
Personality characteristics: Stegosaurus, T-Rex, Brontosaurus
Ness: This next personality comes out when I am dropped into a situation where I am immediately emasculated. Possible causes: bench-pressing with DJ, playing basketball with anyone or arm-wrestling freshman on the girl’s diving team. Whenever my physicality is put to the test I usually cave under the pressure (sometimes literally, if that pressure weighs more than 55lbs). I try the best I can with my psychic powers, but nothing ever works.
Personality characteristics: Childish, Meek, Baseball Bat
Pikachu: This personality is one of the rarer ones. Here’s the basics: when I shower I like to listen to music. Fair enough. Unfortunately, due to the limited amount of outlets in my bathroom, I often have to play the music from outside the bathroom door and at a tremendously loud volume. To solve this problem I have recently tried to bringing a portable CD player into the shower with me. I hang the player from the showerhead and allow myself to listen to music, cleanse myself and get electrocuted all at the same time.
Personality characteristics: Melodious, Burnt, Screaming
Jigglypuff: I like to record songs here and there on my very basic USB microphone. I can’t sing, so I never do. Most of my songs are short instrumental pieces of pretty fuzzy quality. While I could listen to them all day, I’ve found they put most other people to sleep.
Personality characteristics: Sing-songy, Boring, Underappreciated
Samus: On a typical weekend I like to relax, write a blog entry or maybe go for a nice long walk with my buds. That’s a typical weekend. There are also those atypical weekends when I go on intergalactic killing sprees destroying everything in my path with enormous wrecking balls of plasma and clusterbombs. I like to keep my options open.
Personality characteristics: Introverted, To-The-Point, Metallic.
Mario: When I eat a calzone or pizza, I’m like Mario.
Personality characteristics: Mustachioed, Overalls, Mediterranean
Luigi: When I eat a calzone or pizza and I’m drunk, I’m like Luigi.
Personality characteristics: Foolish, Scapegoat, Bumbling
Donkey Kong: My personality associated with Donkey Kong is not overly aggressive. I am a more domesticated Donkey Kong, like the one found in Donkey Kong 64. I am family oriented, responsible and have opposable thumbs. The only time my aggressive Donkey Kong personality flares up is on mornings when I insist on making banana-pancakes “my way.”
Personality characteristics: Culinary, Ruckus-Bringing, Floor-Smashing
Captain Falcon: When I light my arm on fire and make out with a dude in a puddle under an overpass, I’m like Captain Falcon.
Personality characteristics: Hot-Rod, Hot-Bod, Hot-Arm
Kirby: My Kirby personality stage springs up in between my normal state (Fox) and my drunken pizza state (Luigi). The Kirby state involves me floating from bar to bar in New Paltz sucking down drinks and doing rude impersonations of new people I meet. Ultimately, my body will seemingly turn into a rock or a 1-ton anvil and I will fall to the floor a mushy mess.
Personality characteristics: Insatiable, Light-weight, Plummeting