My Top 4 Failed Suicide Attempts
I’m a miserable human being. Each day feels a rape by samurai sword. I feel I can no longer express myself fully through ironic black t-shirts. Taproot’s latest CD isn’t selling very well. Chinese Democracy has lost a lot of its appeal for me. My current living situation with Roy is actually a little worse than what I expect hell to be like. My radio show is completely mediocre. I’ve had a cold for like 5 days. Basically, my life is over.
I just can’t take it anymore and have made the ultimate decision – to take my own life. This may come as a shock to some, but I feel it’s really the best course of action for myself and those around me. However, this has proven to be a lot more difficult than I originally planned. Lucky for me, Roy has been there every step of the way taking pictures.
Head in microwave:
I figured I would put a modern twist on the ‘ole Sylvia Plath method of death-by-head-in-hot-things. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get it to start without getting the door closed. Fucking shame.
Head under car:
Lying down in traffic seems like a sure-fire way to get it done, but I guess waiting till 3 AM on a side street was a bit of a reach. Apparently, this car isn’t even what the owner drives to work. I would have been there for weeks.
Dumpster death:
You ever see Saw II? When that chick jumps in the pit full of needles? Seemed like a totally brutal way to go. Of course, this dumpster was full of construction materials instead of used drug paraphernalia. Then I thought “babies die in the dumpster for no reason other than it’s a dumpster”, waited three hours and got bored.
Ongoing alcoholism:
This is taking forever.
[ad]
02/11/2009
hah at last photo and the blurred faces….im glad youre protecting the identity of the innocent.
01/01/2011
[...] wear black socks and I would never co-host a radio show unless I knew that my fellow host was an individual of exemplary moral fortitude. Of course, the same goes for my choice in female companions. This is [...]