Categories: Other Posted on December 6, 2010 By: Roy
I’m back.
For everyone not in the room: I said that over 15 annoying seconds. DJ and I have been bitching to ourselves while doing impressions of californians for a long time, “Hey dude, let’s get down to business and write some fucking blogs, right?” We never did. For like a year. That’s tremendously unimpressive. But, look we’re back. Let me see those hands. Let bygones be bygones. DJ has a bunch of posts planned out. I just read through them- funny shit. I’m ready to write one of my own. I’ve been inspired.
I might as well start this like this, “You know what really grinds my gears?!” Pretty much the stupidest way to start something: with a complain. Something I complain about all the time. But, I won’t beat myself over it. After all, you do it to. Hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!
Wouldn’t it be funny, I thought, if I went back to Smartass Radio dot com as if I had actually gone to college for English and Creative Writing? I mean I always write these blogs with one audience in mind: myself when I’m drunk off European wine and patting myself on the back . But, from the outside world, not really knowing me, wouldn’t I seem, I don’t know, oafish? Self-centered? Blogs that come to mind involve fake relations with Rihanna, Doritos and James Bond having a twitter. You don’t need links; it’s there if you want it.
Categories: Guest Blog Posted on December 3, 2010 By: DJ
As much as it pains me to say, time travel is fucking impossible. I came to this conclusion at Roy’s parents house recently. I realized that if time travel ever existed, it always existed. Trippy, right? Anyway, the thing that made me realize this is that no one has completely dominated music (or really anything other art) 100%. If I could go back in time, I’d write and record every classic album like three weeks before the artist who actually wrote it.
Then I got to thinking about other things that would be different. Like how someone (probably me) would have shown up in 2005 to beat the living shit out of me before I ever had the chance to write the following LiveJournal update…
Categories: Lists Posted on December 1, 2010 By: DJ
It’s been just about a year since the site was last updated, so I decided to dig down deep and really get back to my roots with my first one back. In classic SmartassRadio.com form, I’m going to waste a few minutes of your day by picking on some people who I will never meet in real life and who will never ever read this. Really daring shit.
The original title was “Eight Douchebags Who Will Never Have TV Careers” but I just don’t have enough time for that, so I cut it down to three and decided not to rule out the possibility that one of these idiots will be the breakout TV star of 2013. Then I also realized Joe Theismann and Matt Millen are here to stay for at least the rest of the football season, so I think that qualifies as a career.
As long as this piece of shit is still on TV, I don’t know why I would assume the next three won’t be.
Categories: Letters Posted on January 9, 2010 By: DJ and Roy
Dear Mr. Bowie,
First off, we are both very big fans. Probably not your biggest fans, but we are American, both of us. Cool, right? We just read the very kind letter you wrote to your other American fan. You wrote it back in 1967, but it was really nice. Are you still a nice guy? Did you ever make it to America? It’s kind of shitty. I’ve been to England. DJ hasn’t. That’s not really relevant I guess.
Anyway, we were just writing you to say we are both very big fans, though we don’t really listen to your albums too much. I think we probably both downloaded a few for free. You know, like the popular ones: Ziggy Stardust and Space Oddity. DJ knows some trivia about your song “Let’s Dance.” I don’t remember it. This is Roy, writing the letter by the way. Well, I’m typing it. DJ is yelling out his comments to me. DJ says “Hey.”
The album we really like is Hunky Dory. It is SO good! We like a lot of the tracks. The first one, “Changes,” is really good. We like how you stutter on the word “changes.” Did you think of that yourself? DJ says you don’t really stutter in real life. That makes it even more creative. The next song, “Oh! You Pretty Things” that one is good too. We like how you say the line, “look out my window what do I see, crack in the sky…” That’s mostly because of the album “Crack the Skye.” It’s by Mastodon and it’s really good too. “Oh! You Pretty Things” has good piano. You have a good voice.
“Eight Line Poem” isn’t as good as the first two songs. Too slow. You probably get that a lot.
“Life on Mars” is another really creative song. Really good job with that, we were impressed. I’ve listen to that song over 10 times. DJ says he probably has to, but he hasn’t been keeping count. What is the song “Kooks” about? We like that one too. It’s good. The songs after that are good too. Sometimes you sing funny.
Did you ever get to meet Andy Warhol in real life? What is Andy Warhol like? The beginning to this song is weird. DJ says you were probably high when you made it. I guess that makes sense. Do you remember if you were? Do you have something against Bob Dylan? You seem to. Did you ever meet Bob Dylan? What is his voice like in real life? How old is he now?
“Queen Bitch” is pretty bad ass. It sounds really good. What was your inspiration to write that song? We like it a lot.
Well, anyway. Thanks for reading our letter. Like we said, we’re from America, so you know…hope to hear from you soon. Keep making good music, but try to make some songs like the ones on Hunky Dory because those are our favorite ones.
Categories: How-To Posted on January 7, 2010 By: Roy
Hello everyone, happy two thousand and fucking ten. In case you didn’t get the MEMO let me give you the low down on what two thousand and fucking ten is all about: A) Never Giving Up, B) Keeping it Lively, C) Bringing Your A-Game and D) DJ Is Going To Write An Album.
With those pointers in mind, let me now let you in on what this blog post is going to be all about. In this blog post, my first of two thousand and fucking ten, I am going to: 1) Refute Some Ongoing Rumors About My Identity, 2) Convince You To Never Give Up, 3) Illustrate How You Can Best Keep It Lively, 4) Explain What Bringing Your A-Game Is All About and 5) Inform You on How To Write and Record an Album Through Eleven Difficult Steps.
And BREAK!
That’s what people say in football once they have highlighted the main points of their next move and are now ready to execute the plan, right?
Categories: Lists Posted on January 6, 2010 By: DJ
4 Things I Want To Do By 2011
Apparently New Year’s Eve has come and gone. From all accounts I was in New Paltz for two nights celebrating, but there is absolutely no way I could confirm or deny those statements. My calendar, on the other hand, is about as reliable as any other calendar and it tells me we’re now in the year 2010, which is pretty sweet. Only a few more years till hoverboards, Mastodon is probably gearing up to write another album which will leave my brains all over Roy’s walls, and from what I can gather, we still have two whole years before the planet implodes.
So, I felt it was appropriate to wait until about a week in to make my resolutions. I decided to whittle down the thousands and thousands of character flaws and gimmicks which have been holding me back from achieving massive amounts of success, fame and fortune and focus on five key things I want to be able to accomplish by the end of this year. Let’s get started!
1. I want to be able to play the ukulele better then this kid:
I’ve been putting some serious hours in on the ole’ six string recently, but if I’m going to complete resolution 2, I need to sharpen my uke skillz. This kid has the right idea – just sittin’ around laughin’ and bustin’ out some chords and singing whatever he’s singing. If you double click and read the info, apparently he slipped a “Surfin’ USA” in there somewhere. That’s what ukulele is all about.
2. I want to record an album at least as labor intensive as The Wolf by Andrew W.K.
I was just alerted this morning that every track on Andrew W.K.’s incredibly underrated second album, The Wolf, has between 90 and 200 tracks all recorded by Andrew W.K. That is fucking impressive. Can I write the anthems of a generation as poignantly as Mr. W.K.? Probably not. But can I throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see what sticks? Definitely. Then can I take said sticky shit and overwork it like an even more obsessive Axl Rose? Absolutely.
3. I don’t want to look like this at any point in 2010:
Unless Ralph Macchio just thrashed me in a tournament, there is no reason I should be asleep at a party. Especially if I went so far out of my way to dress up and look presentable. If I were smoking bongs at Roy’s place all night, it’s one thing. But to show up to a kegger dressed to the nine’s just to fall asleep – that’s simply unjustifiable.
4. I want to somehow be able to make whoever accidentally lands on this site a) actually want to read some of the bullshit on it and b) get the jokes.
A lot of people visit the site via random Google Image searches. That rocks. The problem is that once they right click and save their image as (I know Mac users, a two buttoned mouse is so 1998, AMIRITE? Trendy douchebags.). Where was I? These parenthetical asides always knock me for a loop – maybe my fifth resolution should be to make them shorter and funnier. Oh right, no one visits the site or seems to get the jokes. Well I honestly don’t see how I can change either of those things, so let me link you to two comments from 2009 that really really missed the boat. Numer 1. Number 2.
