People I Want At My Funeral: Chester Cheetah
Chester Cheetah has been making quite a comeback recently. The current Cheeto Ad Campaign is called “Orange Underground” and it takes Chester out of his usual element of extreme (but well-padded) sports. Now, he’s pulling pranks involving the messiness of Cheetos. In my opinion, pointing out the fact that you could ruin your clothes, end up with shit all over your fingers and generally that only assholes eat your snack isn’t the best way to get your product out there, but the commercials are actually pretty funny. In accordance with the new campaign which, to the dismay of many, marks the end of the “Dangerously Cheesy” era of Cheetos advertising, Chester has gotten revamped as well. No longer is he a cartoon badass; now he’s a CGI badass with a weird European accent. Cartoon or CGI, Chester is not someone you want at your funeral. Unless you want the best funeral ever.
From Brazil – those guys are nuts!
Nick Swardson (Terry from Reno 911!) has a hilarious bit about how he wants John Stamos to just show up at his funeral, kneel beside the casket, maybe shed a tear and then just leave. It’s hilarious and I just butchered it, but you get the picture. Having someone just absolutely bizarre at your funeral is funny as hell. If there’s an afterlife and you can somehow observe what’s still going on here, I assure you the looks on your friends’ faces when some drunk in a Chester Cheetah walks in will be absolutely priceless. I’ve even taken the liberty to write a eulogy for this wonderful man to read at the ceremony in place of my brother/Frank/Slyvester Stallone – all will get their turn, but Chester has to start this thing off.
“DJ rocked as hard as he could. No one can deny that or ever take that away from him. Of course, his rocking took a toll on his fragile 32 year old body and he just couldn’t keep up any more. When he flipped his Hummer H2 into a boarding school for legless children, it was harmless fun, but when he took it too far one last time – when he picked a fight with Tito Ortiz at the AVN Awards, it was a nightmare. I loved DJ for a few reasons – his warm, yellow smile. His lucious, flowing, but always falling out locks. His drunk, lifeless eyes rolling around in the back of his head. But most of all, what I loved about DJ Scully was that he avoided processed cheese products like the plague. On more than one occasion he would wake up to me trying to slip a baked Cheeto or two into his dry, crusted over mouth. I also remember trying to get him to play Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool on SNES. He always insisted that if we were going to play a video game with a horrible gimmick it should be Revolution X featuring Aerosmith. Man, if I had a nickel for every time we had that fight…
What I’m trying to say is DJ was a special friend for me. Whether we were stealing Cheetos for me to eat, soliciting questionably aged street walkers, or convincing timid people to use them for something dubious, yet innocent pranks against those around them, we had a blast. Normally someone would say something like ‘His time here was too short’, but that motherfucker packed about 14 lifetimes into his time here. (Cue honest-to-goodness sobs).”
After he finishes his piece, I want the costumed man to take his mask off, revealing his true identity: cartoon Chester Cheetah.
