Red Meat Gives You Cancer? Horseshit.
Who is Barry Popkin? You mean you don’t know! He’s the director of the obesity center at the University of Carolina (which means he probably looks like the offspring of Roseanne Barr and a skyscraper). Papa Popkin recently preformed a study (no, not breakfast) that yielded startling results. Hold onto your hats kids, because the Chach-nooka and he who loves it when you call him big Popkin are about to rock your world.
I’m not convinced. Here’s a picture of my breakfast. – DJ
NPR.org, March 23, 2009 · “Eating large amounts of red meat may increase the likelihood of dying from heart disease and cancer, according to a large federal study of AARP members.” Stop. Hold the fucking phone, hang it up, and hold it again. Red meat isn’t healthy? It gets worse. “People whose diets included large amounts of white meat, like chicken and fish, had a lower risk of death.” Does Popkin smurf mean to indicate that eating shellfish is better for me than drinking warm cattle blood of out of my skull-shaped chalice? Bollocks.
For those who aren’t hip to this cutting-edge new research, don’t panic. This public lashing of beloved red meats is a brand new concept. I mean what will they discover next, granny smith apples cause small pox? Fear not good citizen! Due to Chacho’s steadfast loyalty to the Smartass readers, I’ve come up with a few ideas to help all of you live healthier lives.
- Instead of bacon-wrapped sausages for breakfast, try a couple of scrambled eggs. It is my very unprofessional opinion this does not qualify as white meat because the egg-encapsulated chicken is only in its second trimester. (Somewhere Eddie Vedder is supporting me on this.)
- Give the “raw hamburger meat salad” a rest. There’s a new sheriff in lunch-town, and his name is tuna.
- Lay off the Jamaican beef patties. Not only will this tack a decade on your life, but it will guarantee you an extra couple rolls of toilet paper every month.
- Stop snacking on fried bologna sandwiches. While frighteningly addictive and always satisfying, this timeless midnight treat will transforms your insides into what looks most like the bottom of the Hudson River. Gross.
