I’m very angry about the fact I have to pay to wash my clothes. It’s an expense I do NOT need and the laundromat is only three steps away from “in front of a gun operated by John Rambo” on my list of places I never want to be. So, I decided if I was going to be a miserable douche for an hour I would write while I did it. Capturing for the world and, more importantly, myself the thoughts of a self-important lunatic.
I fucking HATE the John Tesh radio show. I don’t know or care if this shitbag is in syndication because he blows so hard and I’ve had to endure his show so often that I think everyone should hear what I have to say, regardless of whether you can tune into him in your hometown. (I just did some quick research – according to Wikipedia, he’s on 360 stations AND 250 stations.) Also he looks like a pedophile Greg Hughes, the actor who plays Opie on the Opie and Anthony Show.
Guess which one is my hero.
Since I’ve been here I’ve heard Smash Mouth’s cover of “I’m a Believer”, “I Wanna Know What Love Is” by Foreigner,“Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, “Forever and For Always” by Shania Twain, and about 5 mic breaks which have less depth than this month’s Cosmo cover. “Here are some simple steps to lose some of those extra pounds – eat about 100 less calories a day, don’t get cheese on your sandwiches, go for a non-fat latte at the coffee shop.” Fucking die. Not only will two of those things actually make matters worse according to clinical studies, but this sounds like the advice of someone who just came to the conclusion that eating has an effect on the way you look. Thanks.
Ugh I’m trying my best to transcribe what’s going on in this brilliant segment: “Being nice is the best way to get what you want in your community and family:
Show you care when it’s not expected. Blah blah blah. Here’s another tip: stick ten pennies in your left pocket and every time you say something nice to someone else move one penny to the other pocket. Do this until you have no pennies left. Nice-guy tip number three: extend invitatio-AHHHHHHHHH FUCKING KILL ME.
Alright. I passed out there for a second. Luckily, my lifeless body was in between a kindly old woman and her laundry, which was still in the bottom row of dryers. Her cane is definitely going to leave a mark. Here’s my next batch of ulcer-bloodied stomach acid.
Besides the glaring inconsistency, the fact that John Tesh is on 250 stations or 360 stations is beyond me. That is between 5 and 7.2 stations per state. I realize this is not the case for every state, as some will have more and some will have less (like representatives in the House), but let me get to my point. There is a possibility that Rhode Island, the state inhabited by just over 1,000,000 people (an eighth of New York City alone) could have 5 channels which feature this boob.
Since that just cannot be the case, there is an even greater possibility that to make up the difference, New York probably has like 10 stations featuring some sort of show with him. Which brings me to my next point. I say “some sort of show” because not every show is the same. Does he do different shows for each of the 250-360 stations? Fuck no. His mic breaks are so universally boring and the music played on the stations on which he’s featured is so mind numbingly bland the stations can literally just ask him for mic breaks and then they play whatever music they want before and after. No one back-sells the songs and his breaks sound even more awful because some suit decided to bumper them with the same Matchbox 20 and Billy Joel song that was played the hour before.
MIX 97.7 is my local John Tesh source. The banner on their site, which, not shockingly, is buily entirely of shitty tables, is always under construction, and doesn’t display properly in Firefox, features the aforementioned ‘20 and Mr. Joel alongside Rod Stewart, Kelly Clarkson and Gwen Stefani. I decided to include that tidbit because I felt it truly represented the utter lack of interest in music shown by Cumulus Broadcasting. I can’t wait to enter the world of radio.
Can you believe I haven’t even been here long enough for my wash to finish? I still have to put it in the dryer. Shit.
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