I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Instead, during the first week of every year I analyze the top things that I am most inept at. Each year it gets harder and harder to come up with even one answer. This year it took some time, but I’ve listed out and explained the seven things I am most inept at. Will I be able to resolute these ineptitudes? I doubt it.
Coming Straight At You, From My Head to Your Face
Making out with Rihanna
When I met Rihanna I knew we would be great for each other. We both love music and we both have a thing for umbrellas. We chatted a bit back in September at a club; I asked her out and was a bit surprised when she jumped at the opportunity. Needless to say I was on cloud nine! I took her to a duck feeding pond and things quickly got hot and heavy. We started making out, but, I don’t know, it didn’t feel right. I felt like we were rushing into things, I mean, we hardly even knew each other! I pushed her back a bit and said, “Listen, Rihanna can’t we just talk or something? Or feed the ducks?” Uggh. I wish I had just shut up because things got pretty awkward pretty quick. And now, wouldn’t you know it, she’s marrying hip-hop star Chris Brown. I should call her.
Joining a Gang
When I went to London for a few months I really wanted to meet people and make friends. But every time I talked to someone with an English accent I laughed in their face. And then I would cough on my beer and make this awful gargling sound, which would only make me laugh more. So embarrassing. I thought I’d just cut out the middle-man and join a gang, ie: making like 25 friends at once. I got up early and parading down the busiest street I could find with a shirt that read “Vagrant Material” and a large sign that said “Ready to Gang Bang a ‘Ho.” Guess how many offers I got? Zippo. All I got was shot in the leg.
Being Good at the “Price is Right”
Drew Carey cracks the garbanzos out of me, but I can’t guess prices for shit. How much does a trend-mill cost? Any answer from $50-$800 makes sense to me. How much is a waffle iron? My guess: $35 A Hockey Stick? $11 Price to fill a bathtub with salsa? $600. A Limousine ride from New York to Toronto? $16,140,000. Probably all wrong. Getting to make out Rihanna again? Priceless. Also, impossible.
Raising my Kids
When I wrote my Top Five Children’s Names I got a little overzealous. So much so that I had some babies. I got kind of tired of those names though, so I scraped them. Now back in my New Paltz apartment Marigold, Benito, Ralph, Djibouti and Adolf Verspoor are just chilling. I guess they’re waiting to be fed or something. Uggggh. What a hassle. If you listen to one speck of advice that I have to offer make it this one: don’t sell sperm at lemonade stands. Trust me.
Writing for National Enquirer Magazine
I like to think that my writing here on Smartass Radio is just barely passable. Surely, most will agree. What you might not realize is that writing for SAR wasn’t my first journalistic endeavor. No, no, no. Quite the contrary. I started out penning articles for the National Enquirer. Sadly, I was promptly fired because, as my boss put it, “I just couldn’t hack it.” To which I would reply a hearty, “debatable.” Here are some of my articles that never got off that ground: “Dead Witch Found in a Wet Ditch”, “Fat Val Kilmer is a Vampire”, “Rihanna is a sucky kisser”, “Kathy Lee Mauled by Fat Val Kilmer’s Vampire Son.” The rejection list goes on…
Playing Lacrosse
Which weighs more a 120lbs bag of feathers or me? Trick question! They weigh the same. Which one could take a punch, swim better and score more goals in lacrosse? Answer: the feathers, the feathers, tie. I played lacrosse throughout 6th and 7th grade. My position was crease attack (in other words, the position most directly in front of the opposing goal). Through TWO YEARS of lacrosse playing this could-be-girl didn’t score a single point and maybe, maybe, maybe caught one pass. I didn’t even score a point in practice, I just got insulted and questioned about why I wasn’t at History League practice. Of course, I never had an answer, I really should have been in History League practice with the other geeks because, unlike most ESPN 3 all-stars, I know that it was Meriweather Lewis and William Clark who crossed America with Sacagawea.
Telling the Truth
I’m really terrible at this, probably because my life is so drab. So to clear things up: Rihanna wants nothing to do with me, I want nothing to do with gang life, and the rest is true.
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