Some Practical Advice For Rocking In 2010, Followed By My Eleven Easy Steps To Writing and Recording an Album
Hello everyone, happy two thousand and fucking ten. In case you didn’t get the MEMO let me give you the low down on what two thousand and fucking ten is all about: A) Never Giving Up, B) Keeping it Lively, C) Bringing Your A-Game and D) DJ Is Going To Write An Album.
With those pointers in mind, let me now let you in on what this blog post is going to be all about. In this blog post, my first of two thousand and fucking ten, I am going to: 1) Refute Some Ongoing Rumors About My Identity, 2) Convince You To Never Give Up, 3) Illustrate How You Can Best Keep It Lively, 4) Explain What Bringing Your A-Game Is All About and 5) Inform You on How To Write and Record an Album Through Eleven Difficult Steps.
And BREAK!
That’s what people say in football once they have highlighted the main points of their next move and are now ready to execute the plan, right?
OK, LET’S GO!
First thing is first:
Tangent: “First thing is first” is a great expression. You know why it’s so great? Because it is pretty fucking stupid. I have found that I love words that are completely self-explanatory and phrases which sound like they should be proverbs, but they are really just definitions. Examples: Words like “oatmeal” and “extension cord.” Perfect. What you see is what you get. Second example: The Neil Young song “Only Love Can Break Your Heart.” Great song, but Neil, come on, it’s like saying “Only Stupidity Can Ruin Your Brain,” “Only Alcohol Can Fuck Up Your Liver” or “Only No-Oxygen Can Shrivel Your Lungs.” End of tangent.
Only Neil Young Can Be Neil Young
First thing is first (duh): Let me dispel some rumors. I mentioned this in my last blog post, circa November. I would link to that particular post, but there really is no need. It wasn’t very good. To summarize: There have been some accusations darting around that squawk that I am not an actual person, but, rather, a “concept” being “played” by “several” different “authors.” In other words: while you think you have been reading the posts of a single, well-phrased nobody, you have actually been reading the words of a collective of interns working for a corporate think-tank. Well, let me assure you: I AM A REAL PERSON. The blog writer who started writing on this site back in 2000 WAS ME. You can take a look at the writing style then and compare it to my style now. Listen to the podcasts; it’s the same timid and un-enthused voice. Yes, I have changed since then, and not just mentally, emotionally, philosophically, and conceptually, but also physically, actually and definitely. Yes, I have changed. And, yes, initially I was “created” by a couple of bigwig corporate executives. But don’t let the rumors get to you. I’M STILL JUST ME (but, no, I’m not).
Second thing is second: It’s 2010. You have two more years to live. TOPS. Don’t fuck it up, moron. You only have two lives to live (assuming you change you image, and thus life, every year like I do). You have to get to it! What is it? What is it?! Are you a fucking idiot. If so, you need to become an IT-iot, if you catch my drift. IT is what YOU are after! All the stuff that is blocking YOU from IT is just farts. YOU NEED TO NEVER GIVE UP. If something ever stands between YOU and IT, remember that obstacle isn’t an obstacle at all. It’s just a fart.
Third thing is third: I said I was going to “illustrate how to keep it lively” as my third point. Wrong, I lied to you. I’m not going to illustrate shit, mostly because all my crayons are upstate at the moment. Instead I’ll just bullet-point how to keep it lively:
GUN FIRE: Lie all the time (like I just didn’t). Lies keep people guessing. Uncertainty = lively.
GUN FIRE: Fire more guns and use more bullets. Shooting things keeps people lively and crime under control.
GUN FIRE (get it, bulletpoints): Be less predictable. When people think you are going to say one thing you say can you help me find a summer job. When you count uno-dos-tres, quartro-cinco. Don’t say seis. Be Unprediculous.
GUN FIRE: Stay moving. Don’t be on your couch all day. Don’t look at one type of screen all day (be it computer or television, smoke or silk). Don’t stay either in or outdoors all day. Don’t stay in the same town all day. Don’t dwell on the same thought all day. Don’t talk to the same people all day. Stay moving.
That should do it.
Fourth thing is fourth: The American School System affirms that A is the best and idiots get less than that. Hence: your A-GAME is your optimal game. Now the question is: how can you make sure your game is A? The answer can be discovered using the American Alphabet as a template.
A: Game
B: All that you can be.
C: Everything you can see.
D: eliver the goods.
E: vil: conquer it.
F: the man.
G: Unit
H: IV: avoid it.
I: deas: have them.
J:’s.
K: bosh: don’t say that.
L: evate your attitude.
M: blems: design your own.
N: yone’s invited.
O: OOOOOOOOOOHHHH!
P:’s and Q’s: mind them.
Q:-ties: do them.
R: you ready? Yes. Always.
S: martassradio.com
T: time. No good, drink coffee instead.
U: rock.
V: Golden Rings.
W: money and make a stack.
X: ceed expectations.
Y: not?
Z: ebra.
So, there you go.
Fifth things fifth: So, you are thinking of making your own album? Good for you. As you might have been able to predict, the previous three steps are going to be EXTREMELY important when it comes to writing and recording this album. In fact, they are so necessary for your success that they are the first three steps.
Step #1 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
NEVER GIVE UP (on the album)!
Step #2 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
KEEP IT (in this case, the album) LIVELY!
Step #3 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
BRING YOUR (musical) A-GAME!
Step #4 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
LEARN SOME CHORDS!
From my experience this is really very helpful. I used to try to write songs with like, one chord. You can do it, don’t get me wrong, but the songs are better when you can have at least two chords in there.
Step #5 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
GET THE RIGHT GEAR!
I’m not saying get the best gear. You probably don’t need the absolute BEST gear, unless you actually are pursuing some sort of music career. But, if you just want to be a little creative, have some fun and actually make something…you can do that without dropping thousands of dollars. Having said that, you do need some instrument(s). Don’t bang on a pot. Don’t stretch and pluck a rubber band. Don’t go a’ccapella (without a pal).
Step #6 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
DON’T WRITE SHITTY LYRICS!
Writing lyrics actually isn’t that hard, but writing bad lyrics is really easy. The best way I’ve found to write lyrics is to just start saying stuff as you are strumming. Don’t try to pen things in a notebook and then walk over to your keyboard. Let the music write the words. Man.
Step #7 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
DECIDE ON THE TONE OF YOUR ALBUM FROM THE BEGINNING!
This may mean picking a particular genre (metal, jazz, male). Or it may involve songs written around a common topic (dragons, magnums, root beer). Or it may just be a particular mood you want to capture (bad-ass, kid-friendly, special). Just have some kind of common thread between songs. It will make your album more solid.
Step #8 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
THE MORE YOU PUT INTO THE SONGS THE BETTER!
The only exception to this rule would be if you were aiming for lo-fi, living-room recorded indie. Having said that, don’t aim for lo-fi-, living-room recorded indie. Ironically, yes, I write a truckload of songs in this style, but my best songs (and I use the word “best” here as in, “look this is the best looking leaf in the gutter”) have a few instruments playing. As far as tracks per song you want to aim for more than 8 and less than 200. Unless you are Andrew W.K, who is still ridiculously impressive to me.
Step #9 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
KEYWORD: DREAM!
Have some kind of artistic vision and/or some kind of powerful ambition. I think The Beats said it best when they said, THINK BIG. Strive for the arts, don’t settle for the farts (Trademark Pending).
Step #10 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
BE MORE INTERESTING OR UNDERGO SOME KIND OF LIFE-CHANGING EXPERIENCE, IDEALLY A TRAGEDY!
Sorry to say it folks, but this is a fact of the artistic world. The best artists come out of tragedies. Hemingway got blown up. Van Gogh cut his ear off. Go read Mastodon’s wikipedia. If you are not an interesting person, you will not write an interesting album. Interesting people don’t abide by boundaries. They don’t even believe in boundaries. That’s why referees, principals and priests never make good art.
Step #11 to writing and recording the album of your dreams:
START WRITING AND RECORDING THE ALBUM OF YOUR DREAMS!
You can call the rest of these tips bullshit, but this tip is undeniable. As mentioned, if there is one thing I like it is expressions that sounds like proverbs, but they are really definitions. So here’s one for you: “You can’t finish anything you don’t start.” Only 359 days left to write and record (and most of the best albums come out before summer, keep that in mind).
Good luck, let me know how it goes. And if you need any guest ukelele, you can e-mail DJ, at DJ@Smartassradio.com. He’s trying to learn and I’m sure he would appreciate the motivation.
