Hey guys! Last time we busted out a “Dear SmartassRadio” we explained how to stay fit and healthy. It was a huge success and the letters have been pouring in ever since. This time we decided it would be more fun to answer some of the sexier letters we’ve gotten in recent months. Check ‘em out after the jump.
At the start of a new year everyone likes to make resolutions. It is very easy to say you are going to accomplish something when you know you still have 365 days left to put it off. I don’t know what kind of time you put into the whole resolution process. Some people take it pretty seriously; they really want to buckle down and get some shit down, which is fine. Other people make up some bull-shit thing and then don’t follow through on it. Actually, pretty much everyone gives up. Anyone remember your resolution from last year? Well, I do. It was to keep rocking constantly. I failed for about 45 minutes overall, but the other 525,555 minutes were no problem. Yeah, I know, what about the 175,184 minutes I spent sleeping? Well, I had rocking dreams and nightmares. But, anyway, it’s still a bull-shit resolution no matter how you slice or dice it.
You want some actual advice? You want to really be inspired? You want to truly change your life? Look no further than the theme song to American educational television program Arthur on PBS.
Prepare to cry your eyes out because you’re about to witness something spectacular:
Let’s break it down in a SmartassRadio lyrical breakdown.
In my previous post I discussed four criteria which make up the ideal romantic partner. Of course, because I was describing an ideal, I was also describing an impossibility. In my eyes a dream girl/guy would be very funny, extremely attractive, have genius-level intelligence and be as loyal as a lark. In reality, candidates are bound to fall short in at least one of those categories, usually at least two. I fall short in all four.
But hold the phone! My goal is not to discourage people! As Built to Spill’s first album’s title told us: There Is Nothing Wrong With Love! What is wrong is having ridiculous expectations. In this second part, I am going to reveal my second system of romantic qualification: S.A.F.E. (again, this took about 4 minutes of development and is undoubtedly flawed). The S.A.F.E system outlines my qualifications for what constitutes an appropriate partner to pursue romantically. While the F.A.I.L standards will only end in disaster, the S.A.F.E criteria should lead you to a happy and healthy relationship. Let’s begin:
Well after much debate, I have decided that, ultimately, my posts are better written in regular ink. These past few months, following the advice of friends, I experimented with writing in invisible ink. The obvious benefits being, a) hey, it saves money and 2) it’s easy on the hand. The drawback: eye straining. Hold on, Charlie’s calling me…
Hey Charlie, how’s it going you douche?
Haha, yeah, I hear THAT.
No, no, I’m ME. That was just something Ricky was spouting. But, yeah, everything’s good here.
No dude, I’m actually writing a blog post right now.
No, it’s just music blogs now, but, yeah, Rihanna’s fine.
Well that’s because I stopped writing them for months. I don’t think I’ve written since September or something.
No, I just told everyone I had been using invisible ink, it’s fine.
No, it worked, they bought it.
Charlie, they bought it, OK?
Dude, I don’t know why you’re trying to argue this with me. I told everyone I had been writing with invisible ink. That explains the hiatus.
How should I know how that’s possible? It’s just some digital invisible ink.
Yes, I know there are no lemons.
Thank you Charlie, I understand the situation.
Listen you douche I have to go.
It’s going to be about Kanye fucking West, happy?
Kanye West. The rapper.
No, it’s not about “the Taylor Swift shit,” no one is still talking about “the Taylor Swift shit”?
No, they’re not Charlie.
Charlie, you moron, if anyone is still making jokes about Kanye West yelling at Taylor Swift they are fucking out of the loop.
What loop? You really are dumb Charlie. The metaphoric loop of high society.
No, I speak in metaphors all the time.
Yeah, I’m a rocket science at it.
I know that was the joke.
Anyway, I have to go.
No, I can’t.
OK, you have two seconds.
That was like seven minutes Charlie, I said two seconds.
No, I understand point though. It is a sick album.
This week I’ve been listening to this new album. It’s a collaboration between The Black Keys and all these different rappers called Blakroc.
Like Mos Def, Jim Jones, RZA. Ludacris is actually on the first track.
It’s funny, but the track kind of sucks.
No, the rest of the album is really good. I liked it.
So, yeah, that. I think me and my friend Felix are actually going to review it later. So that will probably get up on the site.
Other than that? The new Animal Collective EP is really good, but I wouldn’t really review that for the site.
I don’t know, it’s just not something I would do.
I don’t know, I don’t really want to write an actual review of an album I think is great.
Well the Blakroc thing is going to be fun and funny too. I don’t usually write seriously for the site.
More like joke stuff.
Yeah, they’re like half-music, half-joke blogs usually.
I actually haven’t come up with the jokes for this Kanye shit, I will though.
No, that’s it. I’m going to write it now. Good-bye.
Hey everyone, sorry about that. That was my friend Charlie. He just wanted to know what time I’m going to Courtney’s. Well here’s the answer: never, because Courtney has swine flu and I don’t need to deal with that shit.
Anyway, on a completely unrelated note, I know there have been some rumors about me. Particularly, a set of rumors being circulated by one Mr. Rick Pachachsky. I don’t want to give this issue anymore “air time” than it deserves, which is frankly zero, but let me just wrap up this paragraph by saying, once and for all, I am not a paid actor playing the role of “Roy.” I am just one person. There is not some “idea” of “Roy” that different actors have been playing since 2001. I am not an experimental performance piece. I am just a single individual.
On a second completely unrelated note that has been brought to my attention in a very similar way, I know there have been some rumors about me. Particularly, a set of rumors that I began circulating last Valentine’s Day. I don’t want to give this “issue” anymore air time than it “deserves,” but let me just say: Yes, Rihanna and I are doing fine.
OK, now that we have taken care of that housekeeping, so to speak, let me get down to business: As you undoubtedly glanced by from the title of this music article, I will be discussing some new leaked inside information about Kanye West’s upcoming album. This information, for a series of complicated reasons, is very exclusive and I would imagine this is the only news source that has the dubious scoop:
Kanye’s next album, “Lust,” will contain eleven new tracks and comes out December 25th.
Pretty interesting information. Personally, I’m excited to learn more about this project. Particularly, I would like to know if anyone could possibly verify those facts for me? Let me also take this time to emphasize an important, but completely unrelated point, I am not a music journalist. So, this new Kanye album is going to be awesome.
Virginian Man Sues Friends, Family and Acquaintances For Making Him Feel Bad In Ground Breaking Case
Charlottesville, VA: In a ground breaking court case, Virginian resident Todd Sampson took 36 individuals to court under the charge of “making him feel bad.” What’s more surprising: he won.
The story began two years ago when Sampson, 47, took the Subway sandwich company to court for “making him feel fat.” Sampson, an avid television viewer, felt that recent Subway advertisements “glorified healthy lifestyles” and made less fit individual feel “lesser.” The case was widely publicized, but the verdict was returned in favor of the corporation. Sampson had lost the battle, but not the war.
In early February of this year, Sampson set his sights even higher, taking on many of his closest friends, family and neighbors in one massive law suit.
Sampson was born and raised in a small suburban Virginian town where he works as a substitute teacher. He is the father of two girls and a boy, but is now divorced from his first and only wife, Jean Nibbons, 43. Mrs. Nibbons and the three children have each had charges brought against them during the proceedings.
The frustrations for Sampson began in the summer of 2008, when his mother encouraged him to attend church services to help with feelings of depression which developed following his recent divorce. After attending several Sunday services, Sampson was not impressed. He claimed the sermons were often “too moral” and “made me feel like I wasn’t doing the best I could.”
Sampson’s neighbor, Bob Yunak, had a different story, “Todd is a lazy fat ass. He doesn’t do much at all. He drives a shitty car and he let’s his dog shit on my lawn. Also he’s got a kiddie pool in his backyard, and I think it’s got mosquitos.”
Whether the rainwater collected in the pool has indeed breed mosquitos is yet to be affirmed.
Sampson’s became more fed-up as time went on and conflicts began to arise with many other town members. Accusations included: a $4000 charge against his son for “not really ever looking up to me much,” a $10,000 charge against his old friend Andy “for beating me in bowling and that made me feel like shit” and a joint suit against 22 women in the tri-state area for “not being interesting in what I had to offer.”
Sampson even went as far back as his fourth grade teacher, who once gave him a C- and “made him feel bad.”
After the verdict was reached this passed Tuesday in favor of Sampson, many were outraged and an appeal is almost certain. One town person, who wished to remain nameless for fear of being sued, said, “Todd doesn’t deserve any money from anybody. He’s worthless. I’ve seen him smoke cigarettes he picked out of the dirt. He’s an awful, awful person and I think he’s racist.”
Incidentally Sampson did sue Marques Esposito, a Social studies teacher at the local High School, for “making him feel racist.”
Sampson’s father lost $140,000 to his son after being charged with “never taking me fishing or anything, which sucks”
Still some people stand behind Sampson, in particular his mother who, it is estimated, will lose a quarter million dollars in the case. Though upset with her son’s actions she claims that “had [she] known that the advice [she] was giving [Sampson] on the phone was hurting his feelings, [she] never would have said it.” She added that she regrets encouraging her son to meet new people, mow his lawn and maybe take some time off to travel.
Still many feel that had Sampson taken the initiative to meet new people, mow his lawn and travel he “may not have been such a dick” and “rereading the Harry Potter books again and again isn’t going to help anything and he should know that.”
The case is sure to be a watermark in the American judicial system. Already there have been reports of similar instances cropping up in courtrooms across the country.
Nevada couple Nikki and Samuel Dwarf have recently filed a case against Caesar’s Palace casinos for “lowering the morale of their livelihoods, hampering their financial ability to raise a traditional family and ultimately making them feel bad” after losing several hundred dollars gambling on their honeymoon.
Ty Sandler, a college student at Rhode Island’s School of Design, has gone to court against the Anehuser-Busch Brewing Company whose products, he claims, have only helped to exacerbate his “bad feelings on multiple occasions.”
In total Sampson will be coming away with $1.2 million in compensation. When asked about his feelings post-trial, Sampson claimed that he was “actually feeling a little better.”
This has been a SmartassRadio news report.
Hi there Kim Jong Un! I’m so glad you were able to find this blog post. I’m sure your father, Kim Jong Il, a self-proclaimed master of the internet, was the one who turned you on to this post. I hope this reaches you in good health. Now, the reason I’m writing this post is because I’ve just recently heard that it looks like you will be your father’s successor as the ruler of North Korea. Imagine that! So, weird that first your grandfather, then your dad and now you all get to be the rulers of your country. Wacky stuff! Anyway, I just thought I’d give you a few pointers before you were officially made into a god among men.
KIM JONG UN AND KIM JONG IL DO NOT READ THIS PARAGRAPH, SKIP AHEAD TO THE NEXT ONE PLEASE. THANK YOU.
Hello everyone else, listen you are probably a little confused about what I’m doing here. To put it simply: I’m saving your ass. You’ve all heard about North Korean and how they have all those nuclear weapons and all. Not the best news. Well listen, what you might not know is that Kim Jong Il is a certified nutcase. I mean like, perhaps the most outrageous crazy person on the planet. I’m hoping that he’s so crazy that he would never even be able to use these nuclear killing machines. But in order to insure that, I have to make sure his son is just as crazy, preferably even crazier. I want Kim Jong Un to be such a lunatic that he won’t be able to do diddly-squat.
OK KIM JONG UN AND IL YOU CAN START READING AGAIN.
Hi there Kim Jong Un! Glad to have you back. So anyway, one day you are going to be the leader of your country, but are you sure you can fill your dad’s shoes? I think you have what it takes, but just to be safe I’ve outlined a few tips here to make sure you get everything just right! Yay!
1) You need great ideas.
Kim Jr your dad had some great ideas. For example, your old man wanted to solve Korea’s famines by breeding giant bunny rabbits. Giant bunny rabbits don’t exist you say? Oh, Kim Jr…Kim Jr…you are so naive. Of course they do! Some guy in Germany breeds them and they are way, way bigger than normal bunny rabbits! And you know what that means: more meat! And you know what that means: more bunny meat food! That’s right. One of these giant bunny rabbits provides 15 POUNDS of edible product!!! You read that correct: 15 POUNDS!!! Compare that to the meager 725 pounds of meat you get from a standard cattle cow and I think you can see just how smart your daddy is. Also, it only takes much, much more vegetables and rabbit food to grow these giant bunnies, so no problem. When you are leader of North Korea make sure you devote a lot of time to coming up with terrific ideas like this. Definitely focus on doing that and not blowing up California with nuclear weapons.
2) Get really good at one sport.
Kim Jr I’m sure you have heard this over a Thanksgiving dinner many a time, but your father is the greatest golfer in world history. That’s right! In fact the first time your Dad ever played golf, the very first time when he went out on a North Korean golf course with only his closest bodyguards and no cameras or outsiders, that very first time he golfed he scored 38 below par AND got a hole-in-one 11 times!!! That is a world record score!!! Can you believe it! Well you better because every single one of your dad’s bodyguards said it was truth and just to prove that he is the best, your dad has promised to never play another game of golf in his life.
Now Kim Jr you are clearly never going to be better than your dad at golf, but how about you just pick another sport. Let’s say…darts. Do you think you can 300 bull’s eyes in a row? I bet your Dad could. How about you try to do that when you get “elected” leader of North Korea. You should focus on doing that for sure, much cooler than blowing up California with nuclear weapons.
3) Support the arts.
Kim Jr do you know how much your papa liked the arts? Answer: a ton. Kim Jong Il likes movies so much that he has actually written books on it. He claims to own over 20,000 movies (some of his favorites being James Bond, Rambo and anything with Elizabeth Taylor). At some point he decided he liked movies so much that he wanted to make one in North Korean, but as luck would have it he didn’t have a good director or actress. No problem! He just kidnapped two from South Korea. Really. In the late 70′s he kidnapped Shin Sang-ok, a director; and Shin’s ex-wife, Choi Eun-hee a popular actress. He made them help produce a pro-communist, Godzilla-esque movie called “Pulgasari.” Eventually the two escaped and sought political asylum in America. Shin did go on to make some films in the United States too. One of which you may have heard of: “3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain” starring Hulk Hogan. Again, that is true.
So, Kim Jr once again you have some pretty tremendous shoes to fill. Are you ready and willing to be so dedicating to bettering the arts in your country? I hope so. I heard there are tons of great experimental musicals hanging around Union square and Williamsburg in NYC. Maybe you can kidnap some of them and have them make a rock opera for you. It’s a tad bit illegal, but still a much better task to focus on when compared to blowing up California with nuclear weapons.
4) Have some standards.
Kim Jr if you are going to be like your pop you are going to need to set some standards for yourself. You are going to be the ruler of a Communist country and you know what that means: you need to live much more extravagantly than the starving proletariat. Your dad has a team of women inspect his rice to make sure every grain is of uniform size, color and plumpness*. He has $20 million dollars worth of Mercedes shipped in, drinks $200,000 worth of Hennessy a year and imports the finest Swedish prostitutes**. Again Kim Jr, I ask you….are you ready to live that kind of lifestyle? I sure hope so, because I imagine keeping up with that lifestyle takes a lot of time and energy. I need you focusing all your time and energy on living like Lux Luther and not blowing up California with nuclear weapons.
*Also your father refuses to fly on planes so instead he takes an armored train everywhere he goes and when he gets hungry on said train he has fresh lobsters flown into the moving locomotive. I figured I would throw that in there.
**Oh, also your dad injects himself with the blood of virgins to stay young. Clearly a reasonable idea.
Teamwork,. Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork. Remember that word Kim Jr, because it is a value you need to learn. You know your Dad knew how to be a team-player! Example number one: Kim Jong Il hates short people (and is 5’3′’), so he has filled the government with only tall people and in the past has exported short North Koreans to inhabitable islands so they can no longer infest the gene pool. TEAMWORK!. Kim Jong Il was once addicted to cigarettes. His doctor told him he would have to stop, so Mr. Il made the entire country stop too. If you were caught smoking the government would kill your family. TEAMWORK! Mr. Jong once had to take painkillers for an injury. He didn’t want to get addicted to them, so he made a bunch of his staff members also take the painkillers. He figured if he was going to get addicted, all his friends would too. TEAMWORK! Mr. Kim had his former elementary school blown up because the school had begun teaching ordinary children, not just the children of high-up government officials. He thought that would give the simpletons too much of a competitive edge. So he blew up the entire building. TEAMWORK!
As for you Kim Jong Un, do not blow up California with nuclear weapons.
6) Always tell the truth.
Most importantly Kim Jr, you need to remember to always tell the truth. If your dad didn’t always tell the truth how would the world have ever found out he was the greatest golfer who ever lived? It is so especially important for your daddio to tell the truth because pretty much all the textbooks in North Korean are focused on him. If you really want to learn about your daddy maybe you should pick up one of these textbooks and read through it a bit. I bet you will learn things that you would have never known by actually observing what your dad does. For example: did you know that when your father was born (in February) it suddenly became Spring and several rainbows appeared in the sky? Totally true. Also, did you know that your father does not produce urine or shit? That’s right, your old-man does not defecate at all. Pretty cool stuff. So, I guess, along with learning to always tell the truth, you should figure out how to no longer take a dump. More specifically, learn how to never take a nuclear dump on California.
Roy and I get a few magazines delivered to our house that neither of us has a subscription for: Us Weekly, OK! Weekly, Vibe, Entrepreneur and the occasional J&R Cigar catalog. We’ve been living in our current place for almost two months and I had thought I’d seen it all. I was so fucking wrong. Last week I opened the mailbox to discover the following visual travesty:
I don’t know if it’s more shocking that we will now receive this magazine for god knows how
long or that someone who once lived in our relatively shitty apartment had a job AND kids.