Mr. Brown,

Listen here, douche bag – Rihanna is an American treasure. You are an absolute scumbag and I’m personally disgusted with your conduct. I’ll begin this letter with some questions regarding the incident. First, who the hell are you receiving booty call texts from? You’re sitting in a fucking car with RIHANNA. Second, how come she’s the one that ended up getting her ass beaten? You jackass, you have to take a dive for that one – no excuses. Third,  what were you thinking? You can’t just go around leaving beautiful girls knocked out in parking lots. You have to be responsible for your actions/messes. What you have done can never be forgiven and I personally hope you spend time getting systematically raped by hundreds of gargantuan lunatics in jail. I also hope for her sake, your mother never crosses my path. The mother of the guy who beat up Rihanna will certainly get her comeuppance from me (probably in the form of unrelenting tickles and the occasional ass-slap – tame, but comeuppance, nevertheless).

The ultimate puss-cake.

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I’m very angry about the fact I have to pay to wash my clothes. It’s an expense I do NOT need and the laundromat is only three steps away from “in front of a gun operated by John Rambo” on my list of places I never want to be. So, I decided if I was going to be a miserable douche for an hour I would write while I did it. Capturing for the world and, more importantly, myself the thoughts of a self-important lunatic.

I fucking HATE the John Tesh radio show. I don’t know or care if this shitbag is in syndication because he blows so hard and I’ve had to endure his show so often that I think everyone should hear what I have to say, regardless of whether you can tune into him in your hometown. (I just did some quick research – according to Wikipedia, he’s on 360 stations AND 250 stations.) Also he looks like a pedophile Greg Hughes, the actor who plays Opie on the Opie and Anthony Show.

Guess which one is my hero.

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Here at the SmartassRadio offices, we love giving each other advice. Whether it’s about that rash on Roy’s inner thigh or Chachi’s battered liver, we always figure out the right solution to whatever’s ailing us. We decided to extend that courtesy to our readers. It started as medical advice, but clearly a few of our readers missed the point. You can email your own questions to DJ@SmartassRadio.com or Roy@SmartassRadio.com

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In today’s economy, I find it hard to believe that a TV channel like Food Network is able to keep all of its current programming and exist as a channel (although if there are even a thousand bored college students like me, they should have no trouble through January). Once January’s over, though, they’ll have to trim some fat (shoot me on-sight if you see me). Hopefully that fat will land itself in a place where it can grow into something immoral and mostly devoid of cooking advice. A tacky porn site. These are my ideas for the big switch:

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Roy and I moved into a new apartment on New Year’s Eve and the previous tenants left an entire month’s worth of coupons, bills and magazines in our mailbox. Among the magazines were two copies of Vibe, two copies of Entrepreneur and four copies OK! Weekly, the lesser and perhaps even more obnoxious version of Us Weekly. As I made my way through these three magazines, I caught myself thoroughly enjoying Entrepreneur, feigning interest in Vibe, and throwing a bigger and bigger fit with each new page of OK! So, I decided to write a letter to the editor pointing out just a few of the most glaring flaws in the publication they so brazenly put their name on. What follows is actually what I emailed susan@okmagazine.com (the editor in chief).

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No one has mastered the art of partying like Andrew W.K. For those who are unaware, he’s just released a compilation of his monthly advice column in Japan, has been featured in the January ’09 Esquire and is basically my new messiah. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, an Andrew W.K. party is truly a religious experience. Click here for tour dates.

What follows is our chat before the show, a photo gallery of winnebago/live shots and a full transcription of the interview (yeah, we’re starting to actually do some work around here). Enjoy!

Click here for .mp3

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If the picture browser is taking too long and you’re dying to see the rest click here for a raw gallery.

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The transcription is after the jump!

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Many reputable anthropologists will tell you that many reputable animals were first fish. I’m not going to get into the specifics of the whole thing, frankly I don’t understand it. Suffice it to say that everyone from Rasputin to Walt Disney has evolved from an ancient tadpole in some Triassic shit-pool. Imagining this ancestral progression can lead to a truly cosmic meditation, but I’m not interested in that. What I’m worried about is when evolution goes bad. Sure, humans are on top now, but you don’t need to be a reputable anthropologist to see that our chapter is coming to a close. Which leads me to this terrible possibility: walkin’ crocs.

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