As everyone should know, Charles Barkley was arrested for DUI on New Year’s Eve while on his way to an “amorous encounter” (woah! that sounds hot and heavy!). What information what not made readily available (at least not to this member of the celeb-driven blogosphere) was the fact that Sir Charles was leaving a party where he was joined by Michael Strahan and Jaleel White. It should come as no surprise that Jaleel finds himself in the spotlight after years of dormancy, I had, in fact, made a passing reference to Steve Urkel in my last scientific report. With all due respect, Mr. Colbert, you haven’t the slightest clue as to what it means to give people a cultural “bump”. But I digress, what follows is a word for word account of the conversation Jaleel White had with Charles “Not Gnarls” Barkley.

Clearly, this guy knows a thing or two about being responsible while you party.

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Researchers have somehow proven that women who drink, even moderately, have a reduced ability to recognize attractiveness in males. Specifically, it affects their ability to recognize facial symmetry, which supposedly has something to do with attractiveness. To this I politely say, “ohhhh fooey.” It is my experience that women are completely and utterly batshit insane, and there is absolutely no accounting for their taste. So, as a learn-ed man of science and reason, I decided to conduct my own research. I would ask all the girls who wanted to participate to rank five men and give me a quick reason why each is where he is on their list.

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The lovely Natalie Portman began her acting career in1994 starring in the movie Leon (aka the professional), a quirky flick about a professional assassin who begrudgingly befriends the young and spunky Mathilda (Portman). Hilarity, scenes of graphic violence and strong language ensue. I wish I could say that movie was my first, but alas it was not. Leon is rated-R and I was only seven at the time of its release. The title of my first movie goes to the forgettable Rock-a-doodle a 77-minute romp through the life and times of an Elvis-impersonating rooster whose voice causes the sun to rise. Fair enough. But, I’m an older man now; I can grow inklings of a moustache and carry televisions up and down flights of stairs. I have also learned valuable life-lessons, most notably: BE PREPARED. A simple dictum. A timeless truism. In order to be truly prepared you need to be ready for any situation imaginable. For example: What if I miraculously score a date with my prepubescent crush Queen Amidala/ Natalie Portman? You better believe I’ll have a game plan:

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