4 Things I Want To Do By 2011

Apparently New Year’s Eve has come and gone. From all accounts I was in New Paltz for two nights celebrating, but there is absolutely no way I could confirm or deny those statements. My calendar, on the other hand, is about as reliable as any other calendar and it tells me we’re now in the year 2010, which is pretty sweet. Only a few more years till hoverboards, Mastodon is probably gearing up to write another album which will leave my brains all over Roy’s walls, and from what I can gather, we still have two whole years before the planet implodes.

So, I felt it was appropriate to wait until about a week in to make my resolutions. I decided to whittle down the thousands and thousands of character flaws and gimmicks which have been holding me back from achieving massive amounts of success, fame and fortune and focus on five key things I want to be able to accomplish by the end of this year. Let’s get started!

1. I want to be able to play the ukulele better then this kid:

I’ve been putting some serious hours in on the ole’ six string recently, but if I’m going to complete resolution 2, I need to sharpen my uke skillz. This kid has the right idea – just sittin’ around laughin’ and bustin’ out some chords and singing whatever he’s singing. If you double click and read the info, apparently he slipped a “Surfin’ USA” in there somewhere. That’s what ukulele is all about.

2. I want to record an album at least as labor intensive as The Wolf by Andrew W.K.

I was just alerted this morning that every track on Andrew W.K.’s incredibly underrated second album, The Wolf, has between 90 and 200 tracks all recorded by Andrew W.K. That is fucking impressive. Can I write the anthems of a generation as poignantly as Mr. W.K.? Probably not. But can I throw a bunch of shit at the wall and see what sticks? Definitely. Then can I take said sticky shit and overwork it like an even more obsessive Axl Rose? Absolutely.

3. I don’t want to look like this at any point in 2010:

Unless Ralph Macchio just thrashed me in a tournament, there is no reason I should be asleep at a party. Especially if I went so far out of my way to dress up and look presentable. If I were smoking bongs at Roy’s place all night, it’s one thing. But to show up to a kegger dressed to the nine’s just to fall asleep – that’s simply unjustifiable.

4. I want to somehow be able to make whoever accidentally lands on this site a) actually want to read some of the bullshit on it and b) get the jokes.

A lot of people visit the site via random Google Image searches. That rocks. The problem is that once they right click and save their image as (I know Mac users, a two buttoned mouse is so 1998, AMIRITE? Trendy douchebags.). Where was I? These parenthetical asides always knock me for a loop – maybe my fifth resolution should be to make them shorter and funnier. Oh right, no one visits the site or seems to get the jokes. Well I honestly don’t see how I can change either of those things, so let me link you to two comments from 2009 that really really missed the boat. Numer 1. Number 2.

The Internet is a many splendored thing. If I were to try to hunt down a video of a woman doin’ it in an ET costume (link NSFW and probably not safe for 99% of the population – you’ve been warned), it would take literally hours in the real world. If I wanted to know the complete history of hampsterdance.com I would probably have to track down the original owners/operators of the site. If, say, I wanted to hear the ramblings of two boring, under-produced and over-hyped metal nerds, I would actually have to sit around at my nearest Gibson dealer – a fate worse than castration. And, of course if I wanted to see Val Kilmer in 2008, I would have had to actually find him way back then. Luckily for me, none of those scenarios ever has to happen thanks to the Internet.

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Roy and I read a lot of books. In fact, it’s almost all we ever do. Usually we only read top notch masterpieces by the likes of Hemmingway, Riekki, Vonnegut, Shakespeare and Seuss. But, every once in a while a book so bad will make its way into our extensive library, where we are invariably forced to read them cover to cover, that we will actually wretch in our leather easy chairs. These are the worst nine of those books.

Close, but no cigar, Ms. “I’m From Alaska and Refuse to Fix My Teeth”

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Frequently I find myself gazing at this site. This magnificent creation which I and a few co-conspirators have grown from literally nothing to an unstoppable force of comedy and music destroying an Internet filled to the brim with bullshit. However, when I lovingly bear witness to my creation, I oftentimes wonder “why is it called SmartassRadio.com?” Is it because we’re a bunch of smartasses parading around the radio industry and internet with a sword of wit and a shield of good-natured joshing? Is it because we feel that Internet radio needs another batch of smartasses and shock jocks? No, neither of these answers suffices. In fact, the real reason is far greater than I or even the Internet at large can comprehend. The real answer is this: James and I drunkenly bought the domain like two years ago and now we’re stuck with it.

So, here we are: we have the word “radio” in our URL and I find myself looking at a site without a single music related post on the entire front page. So here, for everyone’s enjoyment, is the list everyone’s been waiting for. What do I, DJ Scully, creator and overlord of SmartassRadio.com, think the best albums of the past year are?
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It’s actually happening. Guns n’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy is actually probably potentially coming out maybe. The title track has been released to radio today and you can listen to it and read my reaction after the jump.

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Why do I kiss the ground that Axl Rose walks on? Because he sings like he means it – right down to the “YOWZA!” at the end of “Mr. Brownstone”. I guess there’s something to be said for what everyone’s musician father tells them when their guitar is too loud: “You can’t have loud without quiet.” But fuck that, if you’re making music that you’re passionate about, why don’t you show it? I’m sick of pussy bands and everyone else should be too.

Without further ado, I present my 5 Least Enthusiastic Singers of All Time. See if you can guess which of the following snore-inducing crooners inspired this list.

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This interview really doesn’t need much of an introduction. It was conducted on March 5th, 2008 and I’m really proud of it. I’m not joking when I say that if you like either “Skid Row” or “Slave to the Grind” you’ll love “Angel Down.” Baz is a maniac in all the best ways, as evidenced here. Enjoy!